Relationship Status. ON HOLD.

Come to Jesus Talk.

I carried Karmen into the house behind Xavier, he still hadn't spoken since we left Tiny's house and I was getting worried. I decided I wasn't going to pressure him into talking when he didn't want to even though I really wanna know what he's thinking. Sigh, I placed Karmen in her bed I watched our baby girl dream peacefully and smiled slightly but soon backed quickly and quietly out of room so that I can get ready for bed and class in the morning. 

I leaned against the door with my back and found my mind drifting back to Tiny's son BJ and how cute and sweet he was. I wonder if Dre knew about the fact that Bryan had a son and if she cared. I wondered what Xavier wrote on that paper to give to BJ, I know I shouldn't but I wonder if Xavier is Karmen's father because she does kinda look like Bryan when she frowns. I'm probably just seeing stuff that isn't there, I mean it's been a long day and I'm tired and am probably just being paranoid.

 When I entered our room Xavier was just sitting in the middle of the bed in his basketball shorts starring at a spot on the wall. I looked at the spot and saw nothing significant or special about the spot he was starring at and sat next to him, he seemed to be taking the BJ thing pretty hard. Or maybe it was the fact that Bryan was always at Tinesha's house, whatever it was it had him all messed up. "You ok babe?" I questioned after a few more moments of silence, he gave me a look that seemed as if he had just noticed my presence in the room.

"Yea I'm all good." He replied, his voice sounded distant and soon he was starring at the wall again. I didn't know what else to do, I mean usually he doesn't keep his feelings a secret from me. If he's having a problem we address it and move on but right now he was all messed up and it was worrying me.

"You sure you're ok because you've been starring at nothing on the wall for quite some time now." Pointed out to him, once again calling my boyfriend from his train of thought and causing him to look at me.

"I'm just thinking is all DD." Then Xavier rubbed his hand over his hair, a clear signal that he was stressed. I had a feeling that he wanted to tell me whatever it was but something was stopping him, he probably thought I would get mad.

"Oh, ok." I didn't have anything else to say so we sat in silence for a little while longer. "Can we try something new?" I asked once I figured out how to get him to open up and feel better.

"Uh, sure DD." Xavier sounded skeptical of of my plan but he agreed regardless.

"It's called a come to Jesus talk." He gave me a weird look and I laughed. "Trust me it helps Xavier, I used to use it all the time with the girls." He looked a little less skeptical as I continued to talk so I took that as progress and smiled lightly at him for reassurance.

"So what exactly do we do, because it seems like we need to pray or something to do with religion." I laughed and he smiled lightly even though I knew he was serious. I only thought it was funny because I asked the same thing when I first heard about this.

"Basically we just talk about everything that bothers us, no holding back or lying. Hence the religious name." I explained chuckling trying to lighten the heavy mood that had fallen over the room.

"Oh, ok well who goes first me?" Xavier asked while pointing to himself. I nodded in reply and he sucked in a deep breath, his eyes began to become more soft and sad as he gathered the words he was about to tell me. "All this time I knew Tiny wasn't the....nicest...girl," he always tried not to speak bad about her since that was Karmen's mom and he didn't want Karmen thinking it was ok to talk bad about her. "But after today and seeing that little boy, he looks exactly like Karmen, and she's been fooling around with a lot of people for a long time."

He paused again, I wasn't  really understanding where he was going with this so I took his big hand in both of my small ones and waited for him to finish. Even though I didn't understand I didn't want him to think I didn't care. "I know I could be wrong and I know it shouldn't matter because I love her like my own regardless, but what if Karmen ain't mine DD?" And with that statement Xavier had just voiced the words I had been thinking the entire car ride home, and it broke my heart that he had to even think that way because we both love her so much. I looked up from our intertwined hands and saw a single tear slip from Xavier's cloudy eyes, this was weighing on him extremely hard.

"I don't know babe, I mean we could keep her or we could give her to Tiny. That would be up to you though." I said my voice cracking as I spoke of the thought of never getting to hold my little girl again. I don't want to have to give her away, she means everything to us so giving her away would be like giving apart of my heart away to someone I knew didn't deserve it and wasn't going to take care of it.

 Just because she isn't biologically mine dont mean it doesn't hurt when someone threatens to take her away from me, I hurt just as much as Xavier does right now. We didn't know what else to say so we just held each other and cried silently not wanting to worry the other about how much we were truly hurting on the inside.