May 10
I had surgery this day. It wasn't one of my finest moments. With my high anxiety and over-analytical mind, my brain tends to play tricks on me. I had to tell the nurses that morning that I was absolutely certain I wanted this surgery. I've had enough kids and my body couldn't handle another pregnancy. I got my first cavity with my first pregnancy. I continued to have teeth problems with every pregnancy. More cavities, gingivitis, tender gums, sensitive teeth. I couldn't even breathe without my teeth causing pain. As soon as the pregnancy was over, so were the problems with my teeth. The hormonal changes made me feel insane. I couldn't tell if I was crying because I was angry, happy, or sad any of the times I cried. My bones couldn't handle the extra weight, I would tear ligaments in my knees every week climbing the stairs. Never had a chance to heal proper before they tore again. It was chaotic for me. I couldn't handle all of the changes that came with every pregnancy. Maybe I was weak minded or too lazy to deal with it. Maybe it was my immaturity. I don't know and, frankly, I don't care. All I know is I couldn't keep up with the physical damage each baby was causing. Then there's my age. I'm not old. I'm in my early thirties. but I would like all my kids out of the house by the time I'm in my fifties. I'd like a few years of no children before they have to come home again to take care of me.
This morning in particular, I was scared. This would be my third surgery. Should be a breeze. But, this is the first time I had the choice of surgery. That I had, optionally, taken the surgery date given. I was going forward by my own free will. Nobody told me I had to. This wasn't a life-saving situation. This was me. Making a life choice that may or may not haunt me. What mother in their right mind would choose not to have any more children when so many others are struggling. But I've had seven already. That's enough for me. I kept thinking about my choice. The pros and cons, could I still live with myself? Everything seemed to go the way I wanted them to. the pros outweighed the cons and yes, I can still live with myself with this decision. At least, that's what I kept telling myself.
"I have high anxiety." I told the nurses.
"Yes, that's what it says in your file." There were two nurses in the room. One was sitting across from me at this small table with forms in front of her. Jill was her name, she was filling out the form confirming my answers. The other, Mary, was hooking me up to the heart monitor checking my vitals.
"Oh, really? That's good. So you know how to handle me, then." I said with a relief.
"No." Jill giggled. She looked up from the forms and asked, "how do we handle you?
"Well, I am certain of my decision, but I'm having anxiety. I will start to display my anxiety the closer we get to the surgery time. When that happens, I could be antsy and jumpy, talking a lot and even clinging to someone. Or I could shut down. If I do shut down then expect me to cry. But crying doesn't mean I want to stop the surgery. It means that, as long as I do not jump off the table and streak down the hallway, the surgery is a go."
Jill and Mary both laughed. "Would you really streak down the hallway?" Mary asked.
"Yes, I would. You want me to wear this gown. And since the surgical area is my midsection, you're going to ask me to remove my bra and underwear. So I would be naked. And these gowns hide nothing. You would see my pale bare ass fleeing the O R"
Jill and Mary laughed again. "At least you're honest about it. Not a lot of people are aware of themselves when they go into surgery. Either they're too scared to pay attention or they have no problem and they walk in and walk out." Jill explained.
"Yeah, I'm not like that. Everyone needs to know what I'm going through so that they can help me, appropriately, when I need it. If I have an anxiety attack and flip out, what's going to happen? A lot of bullshit that none of us need. I'd rather just go in there, suffer in silence as much as possible, cry when I wake up and leave this place immediately after."
