I Can't Stop [Niam]

Chapter 1

I stared at my lunch in front of me, calculating the calories. I was trying to figure out which is ok to eat, which had the most calories, and how to fake eating the rest.

Not like anyone is paying attention to me anyway. I may be surrounded by people, but I feel so alone. I have people that call themselves my friends, but I’m not important to them, I know this. They have more important people on their mind. Liam…Liam’s has Sophia, Louis has Eleanor, and Zayn and Harry have each other.

That’s probably what started it all. I had five friends and I have known them all my life. Four of them got with each other and Liam brought in Sophia. And me? I was left all alone. I mean, they used to invite me to things, but I would have no one of my own when I was with them. The couples would be too wrapped up in each other and forget I was even there.

I eventually stopped going out with any of them, I got tired of it all. I knew they were relieved that I stopped going. They didn’t want me to be there anyway, I was such a chore to invite.

It hurt at first, realizing my friends don’t actually care about me. It nearly destroyed me though when it came to Liam. I’m desperately in love with him and I die a little every time I see him with Sophia. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate her, not at all. She is actually so nice and she’s a very pretty girl, I just wished it was me he loved. He is straight though, therefore he will never love me.

I guess you can say I am depressed, maybe I am. You can also I might have and eating problem. I don’t really think it is a problem. I just don’t feel hungry. I feel disgusting every time I eat food. I get nauseous. I don’t even know why really. I want to eat; I just can’t really bring myself to.

I don’t really know why I can’t eat. Sometimes I do it because of the stress and pressure, sometimes I do it for control, maybe I do to try to be something Liam would want. Maybe it’s a combination of the three. That’s what it probably it.

I don’t have a problem though! I can control it. I can’t stop whenever I want. Therefore I don’t have a problem.

I was still staring at my food, the numbers bouncing around in my head. Apple 95 calories, peanut butter and jelly sandwich 327 calories, ounce of crisps 152 calorie, serving of carrots 25 calories, Hershey bar 210 calories. Total calories 809 calories, entire lunch is out of the question. I had a banana this morning, 105 calories. I can eat the apple and the carrots, totaling up to 120 calories. That would mean I have consumed 225 calories. I can only have 500 a day, leaving 275 calories for dinner.

I ate the apple and the carrots; I may have gagged a little on them. I miss the taste of good food, but I have a calorie limit and I have to be smart about it. I got up and threw the rest of my lunch away. I stopped checking if anyone was watching me anyway, they’re not. I may have been sitting next to Liam, but he was too busy with his girlfriend. Louis and his girlfriend were sitting across from them. Harry next to Louis and Zayn next to Sophia, basically they were sitting across from each other. You know who was sitting across from me? No one.

The bell rang and I let out a sigh of relief. I just had to get through a few more periods and then I am done and it would be the weekend. I’m always so tired and all I planned to do this weekend was sleep.

The whole table got up. Harry and Zayn up in the front, holding hands, then Louis and Eleanor with their arms wrapped around each other, and Liam and Sophia in front of me, whispering as they walked. Then, there was me in the back, slowly trudging along behind them. Silently breaking inside when I saw Liam and Sophia share a kiss.

Unfortunately for me, I had next class with Liam. When he separated from her, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and smiled down at me. I faked one back and luckily he didn’t seem to notice.

“So, Niall, we haven’t had a bros night in a while. We were all thinking that tonight we would do pizza and movie night at my house tonight, you in?” He asked.

I started to shake my head, but he gave me his puppy dog face. Damn Liam, he knows exactly what to do to get my walls crumple for him. I can’t resist the puppy face. I sighed and really regretted what I was going to say next. “I guess.” I mumbled out.

He smiled so wide and it actually made me give a small smile. “Great, we’ll just come over to my house after school.”

I nodded. Tonight was going to be hard, it was going to suck.