I Can't Stop [Niam]

Chapter 19

So this chapter sucks, I have no clue what I was doing with it, I don't even know if any of this would be appropriate or accurate, and I really should stop writing chapters at 2 in the morning. But fuck it, here's chapter 19.

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“So, Mr. Horan, this is officially your first session today. This discussion will be as serious as you make it. You can tell me as much as you wish to tell me. I want you to be able to trust me. With that being said, I know things like trust come with time and I happen to be a very patient man. Anyway, any questions before we begin?” Dr. Carter politely asked.

I thought for a second before I came up with something. “Um…is there a way I can continue with my schoolwork while I am staying here?” I asked somewhat nervously. Why I’m nervous I have no freaking idea.

He looked at me in surprise for a second before regaining his composure. “Usually we don’t recommend that for most of the patients here because schoolwork just adds unneeded stress, but for you, I think I can agree to this. Within the past two days you have shown a lot of promise to me and have yet to have any problems with your eating.”

I bit my lip, not knowing really how to respond to that. “Um…thank you sir.”

He nodded his head at me. “Right,” He looked down at his notes real quick and then folded his hands in front of him and stared right at me. “So how are you Mr. Horan?”

“You can call me Niall, you know.” Ok, that came out a lot ruder then I meant it to be.

Luckily, Dr. Carter just gave me a small smile. “Alright Niall, how are you feeling today.”

I bit my lip again and thought over how I could answer. I could tell him the truth or I could give a generic answer like ‘fine’ or ‘ok.’  I want to get out here quickly, so I guess I’ll go with the truth. “I’m pretty miserable to be honest with you.”

Dr. Carter nodded his head and wrote something down in his notes. “That’s perfectly understandable, but can you still please elaborate?”

I sighed. “I don’t really know where to start. I guessed the fact that I’ve managed to make several people hate me and I’ve only been here for two days is pretty upsetting. Not to mention I very much miss my brother and his wife, my friends, and especially my boyfriend. That’s the hardest for me because we didn’t get together that long before I was sent here and I’m just really afraid that he’ll just forget about me or just doesn’t want to be with some fucked up boy like me.” Dr. Carter shot me a warning glare and I sighed and mumbled a sorry out before continuing. “I’m more physically miserable because of all the food I’m consuming. I just constantly feel bloated and just fat in general.”

Dr. Carter again looked mildly surprised at my confession, but just nodded his head and started writing in his notes again. I know it may seem like I’m whining or something like that, but I just really hate it here and I will do anything I can to get out here as quick as possible.

Dr. Carter set down his pencil and glanced back up at me. “You really want to get out of here don’t you?”

I gave him a ‘duh’ kind of look. “Yeah, I mean, no one really wants to be here?” I meant to say that as a statement, but it came out as more of a question.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that Niall. A lot people are willingly here because they want to get better, not because someone else forced them here. I assume that you were one of those people that were forced here?” Dr. Carter asked.

“I wasn’t forced here. I didn’t put up any fight or made it hard on anyone when coming here.” I informed the doctor.

“That may be true, but would you come here on your own? Would you come here if no one had found out about your eating issues?” Dr. Carter asked me.

I bit my lip again, seriously, I need to get rid of this habit. “I suppose not.” I mumbled out.

“If you don’t mind me asking Niall, how do you see yourself compared to how others see you?” Dr. Carter asked.

I let out a shuttering breath. “I guess I don’t really see what others see when they look at me. Others see this small fragile boy, someone who is nothing, but skin and bones. Maybe someone who is just a walking skeleton with skin? But, I just don’t see that. All I see when I look at myself is this monster. I see this big, fat, pudgy monster staring back at me when I look in a mirror. I have grown to hate looking at myself in the mirror. It got so bad that not too long ago I broke my hand for punching Liam’s mirror because of how much I hated the image that was looking back at me. And it’s just so hard to believe other people when that’s all I can see when I look at myself.” I took a few deep breaths at the end of my speech to keep the tears in.

Dr. Carter set his notes and pen down and folded his hands over each other and gave me an encouraging smile. “And that’s why you are here Niall. As long as you are willing, I am going to get rid of those images you see and the images that others have of you. My job isn’t just to make you physically healthy, it’s also to make sure that you are mentally healthy as well. I believe that anyone can get better as long as they want to get better. You can’t just get better for the sake of other people because that could be just as damaging as your disease itself.” He paused for a second before continuing. “I see a lot of potential in you Niall and I fully believe that you can get better, but it is ultimately up to you. Do you want to get better and I mean do you want to get better for yourself and not just for others around you?”

I hesitated before answering. “I want to get better…for myself.”

Dr. Carter smiled a bright smile at me. “And I will make sure that happens Niall.”

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This seems only too easy, do you think that Niall is going to stick to his whole get better thing and not screw up? Why or why not?