I Can't Stop [Niam]

Chapter 3

It was so cold, so freaking cold. That’s why I woke up, I was freezing. When I finally opened my eyes I saw Liam had taken all the blankets. Now I know why I am so cold. He took all the blanket and I’m not wrapped up in his arms.

I sighed and looked towards the clock. It was only 5 and it was pitch black outside. It would be at least another two or three hours before anyone else in the damn house would get up.

I got up, careful not to wake Liam, and slowly crept up the steps to Liam’s room. There I pulled out one of his bigger looking sweatshirts, a pair of socks, and one of his beanies. I am that cold. I began hoping against all hope that the sweatshirt would hide the fat as well as warm me up. I put all of the clothing on and then went wondering back down the steps and crawled back onto the air mattress, making sure I didn’t get anywhere close to Liam. I don’t want him to realize how disgusting I am, he probably already does and he’s just being nice by not saying anything.

I laid there for who know how long, I just couldn’t get back to sleep. I don’t know why, I’m so tired, I can’t remember a time when I’m not tired, but sleep just wouldn’t come. I suddenly had a need to do something and since I’m not going to be sleeping any time soon, I got up off the air mattress again. I made sure they were all sound asleep still before making my way down the hallway.

I somehow ended up in the restroom, this isn’t even where I planned on going, but here I am. There is this huge, full length mirror sitting in the corner of the bathroom. That’s probably why I haven’t left yet. I have been staring at my reflection for what felt like hours, but was probably only fifteen minutes.

I hate it. I hate every single thing that I see. My skins too pale, my hair is too greasy, my teeth are too crooked, my eyes are an ugly color of blue, my cheeks are too chubby, my chest is not muscular enough, my stomach looked huge and soft, my thighs touched. The list just keeps going on in my head. I can see every flaw, every single imperfection in that reflection.

My reflection was mocking me, it was laughing at me. It is almost like it was talking back to me. It would be saying everything I felt. It would remind me how worthless I am, how disgusting I am, how stupid I am, how ugly I am. How no one would ever love a disgusting fat ass like me. How Liam will never love a disgusting fat ass like me.

I hated the image in front of me. I hated the image that was me. I hated myself. No matter how hard I try to change, I will stay hate myself. No matter what I do, how much weight I lost, what color I dye my hair, how straight my teeth get, Liam would never love me.

I didn’t realize what I did until it was too late.

I had screamed out in frustration and punched the mirror in front of me. It shattered in a million pieces and fell to the ground, creating a lot of noise. I could hear shouts coming from the other room.

“What the hell was that?!” Louis.

“Is someone breaking in?” Harry.

“Zayn, how could you have slept through that?!” Liam.

“Slept through what?!” Zayn.

“Wait, where is Nialler?” Liam.

Right at that moment I felt excruciating pain in my hand. I let out a very painful yelp. “Fuck!” I cursed out, loudly enough that I heard four steps running down the hallway.

Harry made it to the doorway first. “Niall, what the hell happened?”

Liam pushed past Harry and came up and grabbed my hand, the injured one. I let out another loud yelp and he gave me an apologetic look. He turned towards Zayn. “Go get the car ready. His hand doesn’t look good.”

He nodded and ran off. Louis looked at my hand and then at the shards of mirror on the ground and raised his eyebrow at me. “Did you punch the mirror?” I just stared down at my feet, to ashamed to say anything, but not enough because I flipped him as well. He spoke up again. “Are you stupid or something? Why would you do that?”

I flinched at the word stupid, thankfully no one noticed. “Ok, Louis that’s quite enough. We need to get you to the hospital.”

My head snapped up at that and I started shaking my head. “No, no please. I don’t want to go. I’m fine I swear. There is no need for a hospital.” I think that’s the most I’ve said to any of them in one day. I had a terrible fear of hospitals and sadly Liam knew this.

“Guys, can you leave for a second. We’ll be right behind you.” He said to Louis and Harry. They nodded then left. Liam turned back to me. “Look, I know you hate hospitals, but your hand doesn’t look good. We need to get it fixed. I’ll be in the room the entire time with you and I’ll be holding your hand, now come on.”

I just sighed and followed him out the door.

It took us only about twenty minutes to get to the hospital. I whimpered every time we hit a bump in the road. My hand hurts so badly. Liam would constantly send me a sympathetic look.

It didn’t take long to get in and get X-rays done either. I was now sitting in one of the patient rooms holding on to Liam’s hand. The other boys were in the waiting room. I had insisted that only Liam comes with me, he is the only one who knows about my fear.

The door suddenly opened up and the doctor walked in. I squeezed Liam’s hand tightly when I saw him.

“Well, Mr. Horan, it looks like your hand is indeed broken."

Well that is just fucking great.