Band-Aids On Bruises

Desist

"No matter what Dustin. Just try. No matter what."

I turn off my phone and let it drop from the floor. I had done it. I finally got Fisher to move on and forget about me.

'Why am I crying then?'

I bury my face into my hands, not even trying to stop the tears running down my face. Suddenly, I start laughing. It's the sort of laugh that could be described as maniacal, especially when I'm crying my eyes out at the same time.

"Why am I crying!? This what I wanted! What I've been trying to accomplish for the past two weeks! Fisher hates me now! It's great! We can both move on and he can live life as a happy person who doesn't have to worry about me! I don't want him to worry about me!"

My hands make their way to my hair and begin tugging violently on the strands, occasionally pulling out some.

"Right?"

I grab a pillow and scream into it. 'It wasn't supposed to go like this! I'm not supposed to have any feelings like this! Why am I not relieved that we don't have to worry about each other anymore! I won't ever have to see...him...again...'

I look at my window and gaze at my reflection in the glass. Any emotion that have might been residing in my eyes at one point is gone. My eyes look dead, I look dead, a shell of who I used to be.

I hate myself. I hate everything I've brought upon others. I don't deserve to have any feelings about any of this. Everything is my fault. I hate it. I hate everything.

'I thought...I thought that once I got Fisher to move on, that I would feel better. That without him worrying about me I wouldn't feel bad about anything I might do. I don't though. I feel way worse, terrible, awful.'

I realise something right then.

'I'm not broken anymore. I'm empty. Gone. Fisher was a the only one preventing me from feeling like this. A rock that I was holding onto while hanging above a bottomless pit, jabbing into my hand and causing me to hate it, but saving me from falling into the darkness. And now I'm in the darkness.'

I press my forehead to the window and let the rest of my tears drip down my face. I don't care anymore. I just want everything to end. What's the point anymore? It's not like I matter to anyone anymore, Fisher was the only one who made me feel important, and now he doesn't care about me anymore.

'I can't go on like this. I can try, but I know I'll never change. I'm sorry Fisher, I broke a promise to you once, now I'm breaking another. You might have said that you would always be there for me, but I don't want you here. I don't want you to see me like this. I don't think I'll ever change though.'

I sigh. I know I'm thinking too quickly. I haven't had any sleep. Nightmares have haunted my mind at night, and memories have haunted my every waking hours. I'm numb now.

I walk downstairs, my mind still racing with these thoughts, and get what I need : A pen, paper and a knife.

I twirl the knife in my hands as I walk back to my room. 'I can't do it here. I don't want anyone I know to see... whatever the aftermath might be.'

I put the knife into my bag, and set the papers down on my desk. I begin writing until all the papers are covered in words, and the sun is peaking over the rooftops. I put the papers into my bag along with the knife and hide my bag under my bed.

Nobody is going to know until it is done.

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So, the story took a sorta dark turn. Honestly, I never expected it to go like this. Sorry if at any point the story is making you uncomfortable. Always remember you are never alone, even if you feel like it, someone is always going to be there for you. Thank you so much for reading the book so far.Also sorry for the shorter chapter, I'm not really in the mood for writing, nor was I yesterday. I'm just feeling a little depressed, nothing to worry about though. Luv you. <3 Bye.