Growing up, I always made sure that at the end of the day, I had won my parents' attention. I was the angry kid on day care, and the rebellious student on high school. Though, in my perspective, I was alone, stupid, and miserable. It was fucked up.
Ang naging daan ko kung ano man ako ngayon ay naging malubak at gusot-gusot, but I wouldn't have it any other way. This was me. A weapon that the world created and I was successfully defending myself until that day.
Tumigil ang aking oras at pagtibok ng aking puso. Parang binuhusan ng semento't buhangin ang aking mga lamang loob nang marinig iyon. Up to that day when I was just admiring the hospital's healing garden, I was still struck to the core.
I could take a thousand fights and still get up but that time, I was like a firearm without bullets. Hindi ko iyon laban. That was my father's own battle and only he could save himself.
"Stop worrying, Chrissy. Tito Nick is already fine. Nagpapalakas na lang..." Sean's voice brought me back to Earth.
Sumandal ako sa bench at nilingon ito. Sumisilip ang masiglang sinag ng araw sa gilid ng kaniyang mukha.
"We're in the same field and we both know that he'll be fine. Baka ikaw pa ang magkasakit niyan," he added.
I knew that. I just checked up on Papa awhile ago. He's sleeping like a baby, his face regaining its former shape.
"I was traumatized, Sean. Si Papa na lang ang mayroon ako. I wouldn't know what to do kapag natuluyan iyan."
"I understand. But you have your brother and Tito Nick with you right now. May nangyayari talagang mga ganito but it doesn't mean that you should be stuck at one point. I couldn't imagine the world without someone as bratty as you!" asik niya.
Inirapan ko si Sean. He'd been uplifting my spirits for days without a hint of pity. Alam niyang palalayasin ko lamang siya kapag ganoon ang ginawa niya.
As a medical practitioner, I'd been exposed to life and death situations. Those cases were endless and unstoppable. The hardest part wasn't behind the green curtains, but outside. Going to the family as the harbinger of death. Tried everything we can, God will do the rest. Those things.
Aaminin kong hindi lang sa ulo masakit ang pag-aaral ng medisina, kung hindi sa puso rin. Every person has a heart and emotions whether its a priest, a construction worker, a doctor or a nurse, or a politician. I tried to be encouraging as possible in a professional level whenever I assist rounds, or I myself, do the visits.
But at the end of the day, all of my emotions were mixed up and there was a time or two that I cried. What I didn't knew was that there was a thin line between the roles of a person who does the healing and the person who needs the healing.
Mas naipakita sa akin na kahit sino ay pwedeng mapasok sa ganoon. A friend, a family member, even myself in just a blink of an eye. I viewed life as a precious gift to everyone but there came a time to me that life was something I'd desperately begged for, my knees and heart on the floor, and fingers clasping together towards the heavens.
I understand that what my father went through was one of those cases but he managed to come out alive. Lahat ng naisip kong senaryo na umiikot pa rin ngayon sa aking utak ay maaaring katotohanan man ay malayo pa.
"You know those things that could happen but you're not prepared for it. And when it did, it'll surely leave you scarred." Tumingala ako at pumikit, dinadama ang simoy ng hangin.
"You're an amazing woman and I know, you're gonna do great. Does a vacation sound good?" suhestyon ni Sean.
"Kailangan ni Papa ng pahinga sa bahay, stupid." Tears brimmed my closed eyes just thinking about a certain thought.
