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Chapter 34: Knowing

IT NEVER SEEMS to fail.

Life always has a plot twist waiting around the corner at that precise instant you think you have everything sorted out. I got my first and only tattoo the day after winning an Oscar. An over-traced circle on the back of my neck. A simple symbol meant to remind me that life is a cycle, sometimes you're up and sometimes you're certainly down. Ever since that, I touch my nape instinctively every time I'm happy, sad, or worried. That's how aware of life twists I am. 

We all cope really smoothly with the good moments in life, but nothing ever prepares us for a bump in the road ready to shatter our reality. Sometimes I wish someone would develop an algorithm that could calculate the exact second before that happens, just to be prepared or take a pill to prevents us from feeling.

From falling.

Harry and I arrived at St. Thomas Hospital around noon to find a very nervous Kit walking back and forth in front of the door that led to the OR where Amy was undergoing an emergency C-section. I felt his body quivering as I held him trying to provide some comfort, he quietly sobbed and I saw over his shoulder how Harry fidgeted in his seat, concern evident in his deep frown. The truth was, we didn't know what to expect, and even when I repeated over and over that everything was going to be fine, I was scared that Amy may never leave that room. I felt guilty because deep inside I was terrified that the bad feeling I had may have been linked to that.  I couldn't tell anyone. How do you say you are confident that something will go wrong but you don't know what or when without sounding like a complete basket case?

We sat in the waiting room with Kit's family in a tense quietness, only breaking the silence to check our watches and check how long the surgery was taking. There we learned that she was not feeling well the night before and decided to go for a checkup early that morning which led to an emergency admission in the hospital, and the news that she was going into labor as soon as possible. A lot of technical terms followed the explanation but I couldn't stay focused, all I wanted was to see Amy again.

Amy's family was doing the impossible to arrive as soon as they could from the States, but they couldn't make it until past noon the following day. I felt at that moment I was the closest to her family she had. There wasn't a second where my bad feelings didn't cross my mind, I traced my tattoo so hard I swear I was afraid I might be digging a hole in my neck. An hour and fifteen minutes of agony later, the door half opened and a visibly tired physician leaned in to call Kit outside. I really don't know how long the conversation they had was but, as I saw the doctor take off his scrub cap and nervously twist it in his hands as Kit nodded following his words, I held my breath and a million possible scenarios crossed my mind.

Tears were uncontrollably streaming down Kit's face when he came back in, the silence was painful and I understood none of us wanted to ask what had happened. His mom, filled with maternal courage, stood up and held him in his arms as he collapsed exhausted, scared, and sobbing out loud.

"They are alright," He whispered in between sobs and I felt my body melt in my seat.

I grasped Harry's hand as if he was a lifebuoy in the middle of the ocean, pressed my head to his chest, and cried in a mix of angst, relief, and fear. He slowly brushed his hand along my back and pressed his lips to my head peppering endless kisses. It was the closest to calm I felt that day.

Noah was born on December 25th when the night began to settle and the crisp winter air invited everyone to cozy up around a fireplace. It wasn't until past midnight that we finally convinced the stubborn nurse that was taking care of Amy to allow me into her room for a couple of minutes. My legs wobbled as Harry kissed my cheek in reassurance, giving me the strength to walk inside. I found my friend curled up in bed, her whole demeanor speaking on her behalf. She looked tired and broken, it was hard to find my usually cheerful and sassy friend there. I took a deep breath before clearing my throat to announce my presence. Amy slowly raised her head and with quivering lips gave a weak smile.