Home H.S

Chapter 40: Family

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Fix You - Coldplay

I FELT LIKE the female main character in a movie directed by Fellini. Or Almodóvar. My eyes slowly traveled around the room. Harry, who had hardly left my side, had his hand wrapped tightly around mine as he followed the conversation going on in front of us.

Adam was patiently explaining the legal implications of my accident to Nick and Matt who nodded knowingly. By the window and under the few rays of sun that filtered inside the room, Lena absentmindedly folded a couple of blankets.

I circled my thumb on the back of Harry's hand over and over again to give him ease, comfort, and reassurance. But I also did it for me, to have a spot to clutch, to rely on, and to feel sure of. It took only a couple of seconds for my life to be upside down, to lose the horizon and the certainties. I felt sure of nothing but him. I didn't want him out of sight, out of touch; as if by the mere graze of my fingers he could become immortal.

It was minutes after Harry arrived back from a quick trip to a nearby coffee store with a chai latte in his hand -in hopes that I would at least give a few sips to it- that Matt walked inside my room. Concern was evident in his body language, his hair disheveled and his gaze lost. His eyebrows were pulled as he idly glanced at everyone before finally looking at me and walking across the room without acknowledging anyone. I could feel Harry's whole body stiffen beside me as he swiftly raised from the chair he had claimed as his home away from home. I was numb and unable to react at a regular pace, so all I could do was lift my gaze and watch as Matt approached my bed. I gently grabbed Harry's hand and he tightened his grip, stating his right to be there.

"Kid," Matt whispered as soon as he reached my side, "I came as soon as I heard. How are you?"

I could see how he fought the urge of touching my arm uncomfortably fiddling with the bed linens, "I've been better," I muttered quietly.

"I can't believe-" his voice wobbled as he fought the tears, "Jill..." He breathed shaking his head.

I felt how my cheeks moistened almost instantly, crying was coming so unexpectedly that I often felt surprised by the wetness of my own tears streaming down my face. Without further ado, Harry's lips were pressed to my temple in a new desperate attempt to calm me. I wished then I could warn him that, sadly and as much as I wished it was different, my feelings couldn't be erased by his kisses.

"Is there something I can do?" Matt asked locking his eyes with mine before raising his head and extending the question to everyone, "Whatever you need, just let me know."

"We have everything covered, thanks," Nick stated politely, the relationship between them still visibly tense.

Matt slowly turned his head and glanced at him briefly before returning his gaze to my bed, where I laid silent. Words were failing me, I didn't have the energy nor the drive to speak at all. Every time I attempted to express any idea, I cried.

"Whatever it is, no matter what, yeah? I'm here." He whispered to me.

Matt and Jill were very close right from the beginning, and I could understand how he might have been feeling too. I nodded in between tears as he finally broke the invisible ice wall and gently squeezed my shoulder. I gazed at his hand and was about to acknowledge Harry's sudden uneasiness when the door opened again.

"Hi everyone," Adam said closing the door behind him, his usual gray suit hanging impeccably from his toned body.

"You gotta be kidding me," Harry muttered, I squeezed his hand once again in a gesture that had already turned into our silent communication code.