Dan and Phil One shots

7) Phan: Don't Leave Me Alone

Phil's POV
Tw: Self-harm, overdose, and graphic depictions of suicide and suicidal thoughts

It is Dan's birthday, and since we've been together for two years, I want to do something really special for him. Even though I am very nervous, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I know I can't live without him. He's been really depressed the past few months, and I think he's gotten better recently since he's been a lot happier. Hopefully this surprise will cheer him up even more.

I unlock the door to our apartment and notice that Dan's not in his usual browsing position on the couch. I look at the time and realize it's only 8:30, and I figure that he's probably not up yet. As I walk to Dan's room, I make sure I have the ring in my pocket, and I go through the plan in my head again. I know Dan is going to love it, even if he isn't the romantic type. I at least hope he loves it since I spent months planning this very moment.

I knock three times on his door. No answer. I knock again, harder this time, thinking he's sleeping. Still no answer. "Dan, I'm coming in," I say, worry straining my voice.

My mind starts to race with the endless possibilities of what could've happened to him, or even worse, what he could've done to himself. I open the door and find an empty bed. I look around, hoping Dan is just hiding somewhere, waiting to pop out, but nothing. Panic settling in, I frantically search for Dan in every room.

Eventually, I make my way towards the bathroom. My feet start to drag, and my legs feel like lead. I don't want to go in there because I know what's waiting for me. I don't want to open the door. I don't want this horrible nightmare to become real. I don't want this to be real. It can't be real.

My hand hovers over the doorknob, shaking. I know what's waiting for me in that bathroom. Just thinking about it, tears begin to form. I take a shaky breath, and I finally open the door.

I see Dan laying in the bathtub. There's blood everywhere; in the tub, on the ground, on him. I see pills strewn across the floor, tumbling out of the bottle, lying in his cold, lifeless hand. I then notice a razor blade, and it all sinks in. Dan is dead. He's dead, and it's because of me. Water is overflowing from the tub, but I don't care. I run over to Dan, tears pouring down my face. I feel numb. It's finally happening, it finally happened, but I can't accept it. My Dan can't be gone.

The phone rings, but I ignore it. It sounds distorted, like I'm not in reality anymore, like this is some twisted, alternate universe. I can't bear to answer the phone right now, I'm in no state to, and I don't want to deal with telling someone this news. I hear the phone go to voicemail, and I recognize the voice.

"Phil, it's me, Juliet. I know you said we should keep what happened between us, but I...I told Dan a few months ago," she pauses, and I hear her stifle a cry. I wonder if she knew. "Anyway, I just felt so guilty, especially since he was so oblivious about what happened. Once I told him, he seemed fine. Upset, but fine," Damnit Juliet. I knew Dan wasn't okay. He wasn't in a good spot before, but I knew he was getting worse. Then, all of a sudden, he was fine again. It was probably because he'd planned it. He knew it would all be over soon. He knew his pain and suffering was finally over.

"I figured everything was going to be alright, that you two had worked it out. But Dan left me a message this morning. I listened to it around an hour ago, and he...he didn't sound okay, Phil. I've been trying to call you, but you never answered, and I'm worried. I think he's going to harm himself, Phil. Please, if it's not too late, save him. You're the only one who can now." I'm sobbing now, realizing what happened. I curse myself for forgetting my phone while I was out. She probably called me a billion times. I could've saved Dan. I could've made the pain go away, talked him out of killing himself. But I didn't, and I wasn't there when he needed me the most. Now I'll always regret it.

I turn to look at Dan again and see there are still enough pills for me to overdose, but I shake my head. In fact, my whole body begins to shake. I thought I had cried as much as humanly possible, but I begin to uncontrollably sob. I try to ignore what just happened, the hard truth of it all. Dan's dead, and it's all my fault. Everything is my fault. I didn't make him happy. I could always tell that there was something wrong, but I never did anything. I never said anything. I just let him slip right through my fingers. Maybe I deserve this pain. Maybe I'm not worthy enough to live, but maybe I don't deserve to numb the pain forever either.

I look over at the pills again, and I take a slow, shaky breath. Suddenly, I hear someone's footsteps approaching me. I swiftly grab the bottle of pills and part my lips, pouring them into my mouth. My mouth is dry, and it all feels funny and foreign.

I turn to see Juliet hovering above me. "Phil, please," she pleads with me. I stare blankly at the wall, trying to decide. I could die right here, right now, and no one care. There's no one left for me.

I feel a sharp pain in my stomach as I realize that Juliet has spun me around and hit me to make me spit out the pills. She hugs me tightly, and I sob yet again, my tears spilling onto her sweatshirt. Now I know how Dan always felt. All I did was make his pain worse.

A knot forms in my stomach, and I feel very nauseous. The feeling of being alone, of having no place in this world, of killing a loved one, is the worst feeling in the world. And I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life.

A/N: Hi, so I just wanted to comment on this a little bit. I apologize for the graphic and extremity of this, but I felt it was necessary to kind of understand someone's mental state in that situation. Anyway, I decided not to use an "aesthetic" for this one because that felt just wrong and almost like I'm romanticizing suicide. Which I do not intend to do, so let me know if this did, I'd appreciate a notice. Anyway, thank you for reading, I hope you all are okay, and please stay safe. Love you 💖