Dan and Phil One shots

10) Phan

Tw: Death and cancer
Ever since they were younger, Dan had always liked Phil. He had even stalked him a bit, but he never went into full stalker mode. But, he had always thought it was hopeless, that he'd never like him back, that he was incapable of loving someone like him. When he even got the courage to talk to Phil, he was never himself and never truly spoke his mind, he just pretended to go with the crowd and blend in. He thought that Phil would like a guy like that, all fake and "manly ". What he didn't know was that Phil secretly liked him, and he even had his friends find out everything about him. His favorite show, his favorite band, everything; he wanted to get to know the true Dan. So when it was time for prom, Phil gathered up all of his courage and asked him out. Of course, Dan was ecstatic, but he couldn't let Phil know that. He didn't want him to get hurt because turns out, he had leukemia. No one knew about this, except for his parents, because the doctors caught it early, and Dan wasn't getting chemotherapy just yet. Dan couldn't bear to tell anyone, especially Phil. He didn't want to have to break anyone's heart just yet, so, as much as it hurt him, he told Phil someone had already asked him to the prom. Heartbroken and defeated, Phil walked away, not knowing the truth about why Dan had turned him down. Afterwards, Dan cried, not being able to turn to anyone, he wrote another fake letter to no one in particular, like usual.
Dear whoever's reading this,
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel broken, and I feel like I've cried all that I can, that there are no more tears left for me. I just, I don't know who I can turn to anymore. Certainly not my parents, they wouldn't understand what I'm going through. I mean, after all, they're not the ones with cancer. But that's beside the point. What really kills me is Phil. I spent years swooning after him, thinking I was too ugly for him, thinking I wasn't good enough, thinking I had to change for him in order for him to love me, for me to love myself even. But turns out, I was already beautiful. I was already perfect, even with all the scars on my arms. I was good enough for him, after all these years, he finally loved me. He was the one thing that made me happy, that gave me hope in life, and now it's all gone. Let me explain. So, today, I was getting my stuff ready for sixth period when I saw Phil walk up to my locker. Thinking he was waiting for someone else or something, I tried to close my locker when I looked up at him again. He smiled his beautiful smile, like a smile from God himself, he was an angel. He was grinning from ear to ear, but I could tell he was nervous. He then looked down at me with his big, sparkling blue eyes and uttered the words, "Will you go to prom with me?" I swear, for a minute, my heart stopped. Time stopped, for God's sake. I looked around to make sure he was talking to me, and every molecule in my body, every part of me wanted to say yes. I wanted him to grab me by the waist and make the space between us non-existent. I wanted to feel his breath against mine, I wanted to feel the warmth of his lips, I wanted him to kiss me like I've never been kissed before. I wanted to feel special, wanted him to make my heart flutter the way it does only when he's around. But I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt him. When I die, which I know I will, I don't want him to mourn me, I don't want him to get hurt even more than he already is. I'm just a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off, waiting to explode any minute. I wanted to make the casualties as minimal as possible. So I politely told him that someone had already asked me to prom. The way he looked at me, I will never forget that face. I will never forget the pain I inflicted upon him, but it was for his own good, right? I was making the right choice, wasn't I? I mean, it's not like there's a guide to this kind of thing, so I was just winging it, making it up as I went. But I knew for sure I didn't want to hurt one person, and that was Phil. So, I mustered up all of my courage and walked to my next class without looking back, for I could never look back, not again.
*Time skip*
Dan's POV
It's now been 20 days since I officially left school. 20 days I've been cut off from the world, and I've surprisingly gotten a lot of visitors. I was happy to see that so many people cared about me, it was reassuring. But, it also reminded me that some of these people only came because they knew how bad I was, they knew I was going to die soon, so they wanted a final goodbye. They wanted closure, the one thing I couldn't have right now. I didn't even get to see the one person that mattered to me, the one I wanted to see the most. Phil. He never visited, never sent a single card. I thought that maybe it was all a cruel joke, or maybe it was just a really sick, twisted dream, but deep down I knew. I knew that he had gotten over me just as fast as he had fallen for me, and now I was left here all alone. Well, not completely alone. I see my dad walk into the room as he tells me I have another visitor and that his name is Phil. My heart races as I struggle to tell him to let him in because I could feel it. I could feel Death's presence, waiting for me to take my last breath so he could take me with him forever, never to look back again. My dad notices me panicking, so he brings in Phil and leaves the room. "Hey," he says.
"Hey," I say. Wow, this is way more awkward then I thought it would be. But, after all, I am dying, and he knows it too, so it's kind of hard to have a conversation, I think to myself. There's an awkward silence for a few minutes until I can't help it anymore. I mean what have I got to lose, I can't waste my time on awkwardness. So, I ask, "Why now? I mean, what took you so long to visit, I-I..." Phil sits down in a chair next to me and grabs my hand.
"I-I'm right here, right now, and I was afraid. Afraid to face the fact that you're, you know, here, and I couldn't help you. The same thing happened to my mom, and I couldn't bear to lose another person I cared about." I smile up at him weakly, struggling to breathe. I then realize I can't breathe, and this time not due to Phil, and I start panicking. I start hyperventilating, and Phil calls for the doctor. He stays by my side as the doctors rush in, and he grabs my hand one last time and says, "Stay alive." I try not to cry as I'm rushed down the hall to God knows where this time.
A few hours later, I wake up and hear my parents talking to Phil. I pretend to be asleep as I hear Phil enter the room. He sits next to me, grabs my hand again, and says, "Dan...listen, I've always loved you. I mean, I still do. I'm just afraid of letting go, and I'm even more afraid to lose you. I know they say if you love someone, you should set them free, let them go, but I can't. You're...I've never felt this way about anyone. Ever. You're different and beautiful and talented and amazing, and I could never compare to you. You're always making others feel better, and you're just so kind. Not to mention you're hilarious, and I mean, what is there not to love about you? You're beautiful inside and out, from your laugh to your eyes to your kindness, I love everything about you. I...I even wanted to be a part of it, go with you on the journey you call life, but I guess it's too late now." I hear Phil's voice break as he tries not to cry.
"I just...I'll miss you, Dan. Like a lot. Like so much, it'll break my heart, and I'm afraid of getting over you. I don't want to ever forget you, but what happens when the memories fade away? I'm just scared, but I mean, who am I to talk? After all, you're the one with cancer, I mean I shouldn't be complaining. Every fiber of my body wants to take away your pain, I want to be the one with cancer, but, since I can't really do anything anymore, I wanted to tell you something."
He clears his throat, and he starts to sing one of my favorite songs. "'You say things with your mouth, cobwebs and flies come out.'" I get lost in the music, and suddenly, he starts singing one of my favorite parts. "'I'll pray that one day you'll see, the only difference between life and dying is one is trying, that's all we're going to do. So, try to love me and I'll try to save you,'" he sings, and I realize how amazing his voice sounds. He's beautiful, peaceful, and just calming, and I can't really describe how he is through words. He's like a perfect sunset, the most beautiful moments and places you could think of, all combined into one person. He's indescribable, and I love every part of that, I love every part of him.
"Won't you stay alive? I'll take you on a ride. I will make you believe you are lovely." It breaks my heart hearing these lyrics, thinking that I'll never see him again, but at that same time, for some reason, I feel kind of content with death. I feel like it would take the pain away. No more worrying about anything, but after all, is ignorance really bliss? What will I do without Phil, I don't think I could go on with knowing that he's not by my side. I just hope I get one more day, one more chance to say I love you. One more chance to say goodbye.
"Don't be gone." With that, Phil breaks down, and I can hear sobs rack his body. I then feel Phil place a kiss on my forehead, and at that moment, I can't stand it anymore. I reach up and hug him, tears streaming down my face as well.
"That was beautiful," I say, speechless.
"You deserve everything and more, Dan. And listen, I want you to know that no matter how far away, or how gone or forgotten you may seem to be to everyone else, I will always love you. For not even death could break apart my love for you." We sit there for a few minutes, just crying and hugging each other. Until, finally, I see him. Death. He's welcoming me to the darkness, and as much as I don't want to go, I know I have to. I have to be strong for Phil, I don't want to hurt him by staying any longer.
So, I grab his hand and whisper in his ear, "'Letting go doesn't mean I don't love you, it just means that I love you so much, I want you to be happy.'" Then, I grab onto Death, not looking back, afraid to see the heartbreak once more. I don't want to see the mess I left behind, I only want to see the quiet emptiness of my mind.

A/N: Hi guys, it's me again! Okay, so originally, I wrote this oneshot for my friend, sadly she's not on Wattpad, and so if it seems a bit strange, that's why. I kind of made some of the parts fit more to her and her crush so it could seem more realistic, but everyone liked it so much, I wanted to turn it into a Phan oneshot. But, regardless, I still hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! I hope you all have a wonderful day, byeeeeee!!!!