Humannequin (twenty one pilots-RUBY)

13.Bedless

May 2016

The sadness used to come in waves. They crashed into him again and again and made him weaker, exhausted him, made him want to give up. But he always held on.

Now they were more like tsunami tides, which swallowed him whole, hungrily devoured his soul and finally drowned him. Now he just had no choice but to give up.
This sadness was paralytic. It wasn't desperation. That gives you some kind of will to do something, to move. It motivates you. But this sadness, this bitterness had him lie still for hours, doing the only thing he wished he could stop: breathing.

At least Josh never lied. He never said shit like 'Oh we'll be friends forever, Ty, and I'm never ever eeever gonna leave you, mate!' Maybe he never talked about the future because he knew. He knew they had no future. At least, not together.
Maybe not at all.

Madison approached him sometimes. She was the only one that still would. Kids can be pretty stubborn, he thought. Well, let her come if that makes her happy. I don't care either way.

"Are you alright?" she asked once.

'It's not good to bottle up your emotions. It's one of the worst things you can do.'

"Sure, kid, just tired," he had said.

[screw everything he ever said]

Usually she did all the talking, but sometimes Tyler couldn't help but answer her. Especially when she was repeatedly asking him why he had isolated himself in his room for almost a month. She also wondered why he hadn't been eating but he couldn't tell her that he simply wasn't hungry -which was the absolute truth - because then he would have to explain why.

"They all think I'm mad, sis," he confessed that one time she was being particularly stubborn.

Madison opened her mouth but before she could say anything, Tyler cut her off gently.

"Don't even think about it, now is not the time."

"But it's always time for puns!"

"I have taught you well, little one," he smiled proudly. That had been his first -and so far, his only- real smile in 27 days.

He knew he had other things in his life to hold on to.

[You have nothing]

He knew. He knew that it would get easier with time.

[It will keep hurting forever]

He knew it. He had lived so many years without Josh. He could survive the rest of his life without him too. They had been friends for just a small, insignificant year, after all. He knew life would go on, he would meet other people, make new friends. They might even be just like Josh, or better.

He would go to college, study music, maybe pursue a career in the business...And after some years, he would probably be able to hear Josh's name without thinking twice about it. Without feeling his heart being stabbed repeatedly.

He could do all of these things. The problem was, he didn't want to.

He didn't see the Great Point in anything anymore. Everything seemed insignificant. Nothing appeared even remotely interesting or worthwhile. He supposed that would change eventually. He just didn't want to wait. He was sick of it all.

He was sick.

______________________________________________________

[Maybe his 'mission' was to stay and protect you forever. That's what Guardian Angels are supposed to do, right? And after all, it's common sense. What God would allow this torture? Who would send you a Josh just to take him away after a year and leave you like this? God may not exist but Something does and literally nothing could allow this. Not even some Devil. So the only logical conclusion is that he just couldn't stand your pathetic, annoying self. You were such a burden that he preferred to abandon his mission. Maybe he even lost his wings or something because of you. He just couldn't stand dealing with your constant bullshit, your rambling and whining and crying all over the place. You exhaust him. So if even an Angel can't stand you, who will? Who ever could? I'll tell you who. Fucking no one. You'll be alone forever. And then you'll die alone and nobody will ever give a fuck about it. Either because you're just nothing and the world would be a much better place without you or because they will simply have no idea you exist.]