Humannequin (twenty one pilots-RUBY)

14.Just One Yesterday

June 2016

Entering the church, he sighed.

It couldn't be. This was all an elaborate joke. Yes, of course, that was it. Josh –if that even were his real name- must be a sociopath, some lunatic that had escaped from an asylum and liked to play with people's lives.

Then how do you explain his normal, friendly behaviour?

No, 'normal' and 'friendly' couldn't really go together when it came to Tyler, could they?

[Of course not, you fool]

He reached the middle of the room.

Right. He should have seen it coming. Every person who actually wanted to -or pretended that they wanted to- spend so much time with Tyler must be a lunatic. No normal person could ever like him. Yes, that was it.

He fell on his knees and looked up.

'You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, Josh.' He groaned, realizing the irony.

[What the hell are you even doing, you fool? Get out of here. What, are you expecting God to reveal Himself to you and tell you that Josh is indeed an angel sent from above?]

Tyler began to laugh hysterically. Yeah, as if...

Nothing made sense so he kept on laughing. He felt like if he stopped, he would start crying instead and then he would never be able to stop.

"What's so funny, son? Are you alright there?"

Pastor Ted.

[Of course he's here, it's not like he actually has a life. That's why he bothers to talk to you.]

Tyler managed to make himself stop and quickly stand up. If he didn't control himself, they surely would send him to a mental hospital as soon as possible.

"Sure, Pastor, I just thought of something really funny. I'm sorry for the disturbance..."

"No problem, son," Pastor Ted smiled kindly.

Tyler made no movement to speak further or leave so Pastor Ted must have been confused.

"Was there anything you need, son, or...?"

"Well, I- I just thought I might, um, pray for a while?"

Pastor Ted was shocked but quickly recovered. "Oh but of course! That's why this place is here anyway, isn't it?" he chuckled. When he saw Tyler had no intention to answer him, he went on. "I'll be on my way, then." After glancing at him one last time, he was gone.

And Tyler was alone. He felt exhausted but mustered the strength to go up the stairs and sit in his usual place. He closed his eyes. The silence was deafening. The air humid. He tried to remember a passage that he had memorised, one Pastor Ted had read during a service ten years ago, something about hope. He struggled to concentrate as hard as he could, grimacing.

But this time, there was no chuckle behind him.
_______________________________________________

As it turned out, what he got back from loving Josh and anyone else didn't outweigh the risk at all.

Josh's personality had always inspired Tyler to be like him. He had always been envious of Josh's trademark peaceful attitude and collected demeanor. But now all that seemed meaningless.

He didn't want to be like Josh anymore. He didn't want to ever cause anyone so much pain, no matter what. But no one can really control that, can they? We all hurt people, without meaning to. Especially those we love. There was a chance Josh didn't actually mean to break him like this, he just did. So if existing and letting people love him and loving them in return could cause so much pain, why would he allow that? Why shouldn't he put a stop to it?

He had realised that a few days ago when he took a random trip around town.

Without exactly realising what he was doing, he had hoped on a bus. He kept looking down, thinking. He didn't want to see anyone, notice anyone. Suddenly, he noticed a deserted field with the corner of his eye. A perfect place to sit.
Once he got there, he felt isolated from everything and everyone. He reckoned there was no one around him in a mile-radius.

"You're an angel..." he whispered.

"You're an angel!" he screamed as loud as he could.

He repeated that same phrase over and over, screaming louder each time. There was almost a melodic sound to it.
_______________________________________________

Tyler felt like he was starting to accept Josh's absence as something permanent and irreversible. He couldn't help holding on to the past though. He missed his best friend.

[does he look at you and laugh ?]

But he dreaded the moment that he would hear Josh's name and feel nothing special. The moment he'd realise that he moved on. Because Josh had been so important. Did he deserve to be forgotten like that? 'I don't want the pain but I'd rather hurt than not care.'

Βut how could he move on if he didn't even know Josh were okay? If Josh had gotten tired of him and left him and went on with his life, Tyler would probably be able to move past that eventually. But he had no idea what condition Josh was in. Where he was.
He just went...over there. Tyler didn't know where 'over there' was, but he believed it was somewhere and he hoped it was beautiful. Believing was all he had left. Because even if his friend had left on purpose, Tyler couldn't really blame him.

He found himself often imagining Josh in Heaven surrounded by...beings like him. Or as an invisible ghost-like guardian.

[does he ever try to come to the other side ?]

But no. Enough time had gone by. It was time to move on. After doing extensive research the first couple of days after Josh's disappearance, Tyler had actually dropped it. He didn't become obsessed with searching for his friend or did research on weird disappearings and angel sightings, nor did he turn to God or Something for help. It hurt like hell but he had accepted it.
Almost as if he had been waiting for it all along.

'...fight for it, Ty. If you don't fight, the pain is even more unbearable.'

They had been discussing about losing things people and missing chances. Letting go without a fight.

Well, thought Tyler. No pain can be more unbearable than this one so that means I didn't fight after all.

Tyler knew he should be trying to focus on college and probably try to get a job or something to raise some money. But he could think about nothing else. Every time he attempted to make some kind of plan he got depressed thinking about how it would be to have Josh there to support him. But Josh was gone. Forever.

[does he ever cry when you waste away your life ?]
_______________________________________________
He wasn't delusional. He knew a handful of people would miss him. He knew some would actually care. But that wasn't enough. He couldn't simply keep existing in this permanent unbearable torture just so a handful of people didn't get upset. The thing is, they would be upset either way .Because being so lost and distant, so fragile, worried his parents to death. He knew they spent every waking minute struggling to find the answer. The magical solution. A cure for...whatever it was that their son had. In fact, he doubted they ever slept at all.