Flawed Perception

Chapter 10

Chapter 10

It happened so fast that I didn't have time to comprehend, but I knew what it was. As quickly as it occured, it was over yet the feeling of Nick's lips on mine didn't fade a bit. My lips were on fire from his kiss, yet I didn't understand how I felt about it.  

I knew what my feelings for Nick were, but I hadn't prepared myself for this kind of contact. Hand holding was simple enough, as my hands were limbs, stretched out toward him. My lips were something else. I could not help but be taken aback by the kiss.  

The air was becoming stuffy as Nick and I stood silently in the dark. The tension between us was unwavering yet uncertain. I realized soon that I was shaking. I didn't know if I was ready for this, but I wondered if my thumping heart was a sign of my true feeling. 

As I stood thinking I could sense him coming closer. I felt the heat from his skin, the breath from his mouth as he leaned closer. I closed my eyes.  

*****

"Minnie, this is our secret, okay?" He wrapped one of my curls around his finger. "This is a secret game only we can play, together."

*****

I froze. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. Nick's hands on me felt dirty to me now. The panic and anxiety I had been trying to get over were coming back.

"No!" I exclaimed. I quickly turned my head to the side and pushed him away me. 

"Willa?" he asked. I was too embarrassed to answer. "Did I do something wrong?" 

It was something that I was only remembering now. I knew there was so much I still had locked away in my mind. Before I quit seeing my counselor she told me that the mind only remembers what it thinks it can handle. Those memories were life shattering so I blocked them out. Why was I remembering them, and why now?  

"I don't know. I just..."

I was trembling, but this was something I couldn't fix with confidence. The panic was still present within me. The darkness seemed to make me more anxious. "Can you please turn the light back on?" 

I could no longer feel the intense heat his body gave off. However, the tension was stubborn enough to stay. I heard the click from the light switch. The small room was lit in an instant. He was standing by the door while I maintained my position from earlier, leaning against the wall with my face turned to the side.  

"I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I think I'm just drunk," he began.

I looked at his face. Regret. Embarrassment. Both were present in his expression. He must have been thinking that it was a mistake, that I was a mistake.

"Can we just pretend I didn't do that? I don't want this to ruin our friendship," he asked me.

Even though it was me who stopped the second kiss I couldn't help but feel disappointment. In another life I would have been able to let him kiss me again without a feeling of panic rushing over me. I would have accepted his kiss and maybe our relationship would have progressed, but that wasn't my life.  

"No, I'm sorry. I think I wanted you to kiss me, but I panicked," I confessed. His drunken eyes widened. I buried my face in my hands as I fought the urge to cry. Anger, embarrassment, and panic were tear triggers and I was feeling all at once. In that moment I really hated myself.  

"What do you mean you wanted me to kiss you?" He asked.  

"What do you think I meant?" I replied, my voice muffled through my hands.