Diary of an Average Nebraskan Christian Teen Girl

February 21st, 2016

11:50 P.M.

Hey God,

I know that I've been avoiding talking to You. You know that I've been avoiding talking to You. Honestly, I wanted to wallow in my sadness, and I knew that You would make me feel better. I wanted to hate him, to hate her. I wanted to make bad decisions and scream and cry, although I did cry. I didn't understand why it hurt so badly, and I still don't understand why it hurts so badly. We live almost 200 miles away from eachother, did I really expect that we would grow up and get married some day? Did I really expect that he would only ever like me? That he'd wait for me? That we would live happily ever after? I don't know why I'm being so dramatic, and I don't know why this is such a big deal to me. It shouldn't be this huge deal. I know that You already know, but I'm going to do my best to tell you what happened on Valentine's Day, one week ago. It makes me feel better when I actually talk to You, rather than just going off the fact that You know already. Anyway, I woke up last Sunday, like any other Sunday, and I went to church. It was Valentine's Day, so I was kind of hoping that I would get a text from Chad or something, but I didn't. After small group that night, at about 9 p.m., I was scrolling through  Instagram, and I saw something that made my heart stop. Chad Daniel Whitman posted a picture in which he was kissing Jennifer Wood. The caption read "Ecstatic to finally have this wonderful girl as my girlfriend."
After I read that, I was just done. I wanted to throw my phone across the room, I wanted to scream at him and then never talk to him again, I wanted to cry until I couldn't cry anymore, I didn't understand, and I still don't understand.
This boy who told me that we could get married someday and that we're too young to date is proudly dating and kissing a girl that he's only known for one month. At first, I tried to make myself think that his account was hacked somehow, but the picture was never deleted, and regular pictures followed, like him with friends. His post took over my life for almost three days. I would go back to it, I would cry more when I saw people genuinely congratulating him, people saying "It was just a matter of time." And "you two are perfect for eachother." It all made me sick to my stomach, and I deleted the app from my phone. I unfollowed him on everything else, and I almost deleted his number from my phone, but I decided against it. I just feel horrible, I really did think that we could grow up and get married. I don't know why I thought that. What makes it even worse was that Emily commented approval on the post too. I've been like a hermit, I haven't been on the internet, I haven't been on my phone. I actually gave my phone to Nolan, my little brother, and told him to hide it. I don't know, I just can't right now. I don't get why he would just throw it in my face either. It's like I never even existed in his life. Why would he say that we're too young to date or do anything (Which I agree with) in August, and then five months later get into a relationship with a girl that he hardly knows. I don't get it. I just need You right now, I know that, I need you. I'm trying now to focus on it, but I just end up thinking about it and crying more. It shouldn't hurt this bad, I'm only 14 years old. I need You right now, I need You. Goodnight Jesus.

~ Chloe E. Almond