Reserved [Book V]

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I knew I shouldn't have let you
seep into my skin.
I never should've let you
see me from within.
You're just another one of those
illusions in dreams,
showing me how much
you're fixed at the seams.
But you aren't fixed
and neither am I.
It just crushed me to death
how you'd ever deny.
If distance is important
to you after all,
don't save me ever
from any more falls.

Untitled (2016) by Jang Ah-reum

***

There was something different about her today and Zitao could feel it a mile away from Areum. He was driving her home as per usual and on the radio was mellow music flowing inside the car, slow and steady like his mind trying to comprehend why she felt too far away even if she was sitting right on the passenger seat.

He knew she likes that kind of sound, a genre that made her relax, but she didn't seem relaxed at all. Areum looked restless although extremely quiet in her spot, watching the town go by the windows and not a single glance thrown at Zitao.

Not one.

"Areum." He said, simultaneously lowering the radio volume. To his disappointment, all he squeezed out of the girl was a low and somewhat impersonal "hmm?"

Areum didn't even spare a look.

"Are you okay?" Zitao asked.

"Never better."

He didn't want to say it was bitter, but it was. Areum responded icy and bitter and all he wanted to do that moment was pull over so they could have at least a decent conversation with eye contact and all that shit. But instead he asked: "How's class?"

There was an underlying disbelief on her passive expression. Zitao never asked about her classes nor did he care what her professor talks about. She was a literature student and he barely reads. But he was pulling his 'last resort' questions out before the atmosphere dies down completely and his brain overloads thinking about why they were both stuck in a situation like this.

"Why do you care? You know nothing about what I study." She said straight up, almost as sharp as the turn of her head as she stared back at the road. It was as if she couldn't stand looking at him and Zitao's fingers gripped the steering wheel tighter at the thought.

"Nothing, I just..." Zitao trailed off, sighing and hoping that Areum didn't hear him sigh over the extremely soft music from the radio. "I just want to know how your day went. You're visibly upset."

"I'm not upset." But her tone was all he needed to know that she was. "And even if I'm upset, I don't think it's any of your business to know the reason behind it."

"It is, actually." He replied in a calm voice to reduce her fire. "What if this is about Gyuri or another asshole for that matter? Your brothers –"

"– want you to keep an eye on me because they think I can't handle myself." Areum spat, cutting him off. She wrapped a hand around her seatbelt and closed it into a fist but Zitao prevented himself from commenting. Her next words were low, like she didn't want him to hear it. "I'm not a coward. I don't need you."

Zitao cleared his throat. "You're not a coward. But your brothers are protective."

"Well then, why don't they just tape a live-feed camera on my face so they know where I'm going all the time?" Her voice was a little raised this time and it alarmed him, so he pulled over and turned the radio off.

"What's wrong? You can tell me." Zitao asked. Normally he'd be kicking Areum off the vehicle but besides the fact that he'll get beat up by Jaehwan if he does that, he didn't really want to. His temper was at level, attempting to understand what was going on inside Areum's mind instead of leveling with her mood. He wanted her to know that he was a listener, someone she could run to.