If I'm Not In Love

10

Sabi nila, once you fall in love it would be very hard to fall out of love. I wonder if it's true. Paano kapag nainlove na 'ko? Magawa ko pa kayang makaahon kung hindi naman mareciprocate yung pagmamahal ko? What will I do then? I think I'm just going to cry. Ano kayang feeling nang umiiyak dahil sa isang lalaki?

"Lala," tawag ni Troy at mahinang hinila ang buhok ko.

I shifted my gaze on him. "Nainlove ka na ba?" I blurted out.

Troy tilted his head and frowned. He didn't answer right away kaya tinitigan ko siya. He then sighed and looked at me. "No" sagot niya.

I don't believed him.

Hinila na naman niya yung buhok ko pero mahina lang naman saka ngumiti. "No," he repeated as if he reads my mind.

"Why took you a minute to answer then?" I conceded.

He diverted his gaze on the field then sighed again. "I had to think of it carefully. You know words that ain't true doesn't come out in my mouth"

"Yeah, your mouth is holy," I shrugged.

Umiling siya but he also chuckled. "And yours aren't?" he countered.

I huffed "No. My mouth spits brutally truth"

He looked at me with amused smile "Where's the brutality there? You can't even cuss," he chuckled again.

"And you do?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Hell yeah," he smirked. Natawa ako bigla at hinampas ko yung braso niya which caused him to laugh as well.

Truthfully, Troy doesn't curse. He's too good to even call a person or a thing stupid. And I swear to my beloved cheezy, he can't even hurt a cockroach and ants. Kinukunsensya pa nga niya ko kapag may tinatapakan akong isa e. He'll say, every life is precious.

"Ano na? Back to my question," sabi ko.

His laughter finally subsided but his smile didn't falter. "Hindi pa nga. We've been together for five years, have you ever seen me wooing or had a girlfriend?" he asked.

I shook my head as an answer. Wala pa nga, ngayon ko lang narealized. I looked at him curiously as if mentally asking him as to why he haven't had a girlfriend.

"Falling for someone is easy but true love takes time. I'm not in a hurry to be in love," he said.

His words sunk in. Point well taken as always. "Muntik na kong malunod," I kidded which made me received a feather light tugged of my hair again.

"Are you in love?" he returned to me my own question.

"What do you think?" I tilted my head and waited for his answer.

Tumingin siya sakin saka ngumiti "You're not," sagot niya.

I looked away then smiled.

There are questions that were easy to answer but hard to explain if the questions were followed by whys and why nots. I knew but I also knew he can explain it clearly kahit gaano pa karaming why ang itanong ko.

"Paano mo nasabi?" I mumbled.

He saw him shrugged his shoulder as he shifted his gaze forward. "You're just infatuated not in love, at least.. not yet,"

I nodded in agreement. Ganun din kasi yung paniniwala ko. Yes, I feel butterflies in my stomach, pero wala pang slow motion at yung parang sasabog ang puso ko kapag nakikita ko siya. Or something magical na mangyayari kapag magtatagpo ang mga mata namin.

"Damn right," I chuckled and he followed with laughter.

I know I'm not there yet, but I'd like to be there. I'm not afraid for it's negative effect as long as I finally felt that in my system. Yung katulad ng napapanood ko sa mga pelikula at nababasa ko sa mga libro. That blissful feeling when you saw the one you love, that heartwarming feeling when you got lost at each others eyes and the contentment of having someone who cares for you. I want to experience the forelsket.

Sabi nila, every love has an equal heartaches, so I'm preparing myself for that as well. Ready na nga kasi ako. I'm well prepared, kumbaga parang sa sundalo, ready na kong sumabak sa gyera, opponent na lang ang hinihintay ko.

My smile widened when I saw Ethon walking alone. Then I felt a hand on top of my head.

"Take care," sabi ni Troy then smiled at me.

I quickly stood up at naglakad papunta kay Ethon. Again, just like the other days, I kept my distance, enough space to stare at his whole back view. It's been weeks since I started this trip and just like any other days, he stopped just near the river and watched the sunset. I've never liked the sunset though, not one bit. Because I've seen it as a pessimistic view dahil sa paglubog nito at pagdilim ng paligid. But maybe Ethon likes it that's why he never fails to watch it.

I stared at Ethon. Straight lang siyang nakatingin sa sunset. This time, it's just the two of us. No Melissa who he was silently watching too.

"Hindi ka pa napapagod?" he suddenly asked without glancing at me.

Napangiti ako nang marinig ko ulit yung boses niya. That manly deep voice of him makes me giggled. I didn't answer though. Hinintay ko siyang tumingin sakin. I knew he's not stupid to not see me walking after him every afternoon. Hindi din naman ako nagpakadiscreet dahil gusto ko ngang mapansin niya ko. Minutes had passed, he still didn't look at me but my hope's still up high. I heard him sighed then slowly, he turned around to face me. I met his deep set of brown orbs but again, it didn't stayed long enough to make me lose myself in it.

"Give up," sabi niya saka muling tumalikod sakin at pinanood ulit ang paglubog ng araw.

Even though he couldn't see me, I still shook my head as if he's looking at me, giving him my answer. My smile didn't waver as I stared at his back.

Those two words were never included in my vocabulary. Giving up, to me, it means giving your life away that also means, the end. But life is a cycle and if you meet the end, it means you're dead. No more next time. So no, I'd never welcome those two words even the consequences of it will be having the most painful feeling a human could ever feel, either physical, mental and emotional.

"Susuko ka ba kay Melissa kapag sinukuan kita?" I asked.

He turned again to face me. His expression was unreadable but his eyes were full of anger. "No," he said firmly. Without any hint of hesitation.

"I won't give up then," I shrugged confidently.

My lips quirked upwards and I stared straight into his eyes. One.. two.. three.. then he looked away pero mas lalo lang lumaki yung ngiti ko dahil finally! Nalagpasan ko na ang two seconds eye contact namin. I'm finally moving forward!

"We do chase because it's the only way we know how to reach our dreams. She's your dream, and you are my dream. If you don't want to stop chasing your dream, why do you think would I either?" I shook my head. "You understand my situation more than anyone else," I said then turned my back on him and started walking away with a huge smile plastered on my lips.

And more than anyone else, you should have seen right through me.