If He Ever Cries (manxman / boyxboy)

Chapter 21

Chapter 21





If I ever want proof

I find it in you

Yeah I honestly do

In you I find proof

--Proof, Coldplay

______________________________





Two was the magic number. For the whole of two minutes Adam stared at the space Taylor stood at before the buzz in his ears died down, and he registered that the man had left. It felt like that long, anyway. No one gave him a chronometer.





Taylor's warning bounced off the walls of Adam's head, tumbling and hitting hard--cracking his soul open to wander about things he had chosen not to think about. And in the space of two heart beats, he appeared magically in his shower. Or so it felt.





He couldn't remember the drive home, the race up the stairs, or taking off his clothes. It was all a smudge in his memory. When he came back to the Earth, the stream of water pelted on his head, and his hands supported the weight of his torso as he pressed against the wall.





What serious meant to Taylor was tons clear. Serious as in, well, serious. The man used words for what they were. No bullshit, no hidden meanings. Which reminded Adam so much of Kaiden.





Days were packed with two thousand things to do. Nights amounted to a little over two hours of sleep. Adam had no time to even breathe, and so he didn't return Jessica's calls or cared for whatever shit she was needing him for. He also didn't place the call the two million times he had pressed Kaiden's number onto the keypad, or stopped at the front of Ivy Tower the two hundred times he jogged around that block.





Serious... As in I don't fucking know. The two times he had bumped onto Taylor at work since, the man acted like always, and Adam swore he knew the chaos he had created in Adam's head. It was in Taylor's eyes: the seriousness of a father, telling the punk that his precious son was not one of his conquests, a disposable toy to be fucked and tossed away. Which Adam, as awful as it sounded, and as much as he wanted to ignore it, already did.





Kaiden was the one with the habit of leaving him hanging in some state of confusion--left him with an itch in his arms: the craving for the unconsummated hold. But Adam was well aware he was the ultimate culprit. He put the money in Kaiden's hand, and as if that weren't enough, he also put the blame...of everything. Twice he had tossed the young man away, and he hadn't even intended to.





And a little under two weeks later he worked up the balls to drive here. To where it all started. Warnings and torture in pause, because he needed to at least apologize.





Just to apologize. He was serious about that much.





He walked down the path he had known to dread for the past two nights. He crossed the sea of sweat and lust, alcohol and music.





The people's hype was alien. Something he wasn't able to get absorbed in. Instead, he was vigilant. He was paranoid every eye was on him. And that, at any second, someone would recognize him and make all the wrong questions and all the wrong assumptions. Of course that fear was unfounded--his crowd was that of the semi-bigots; those who "don't have a problem with fags", only "don't want them around". Not even by mistake any of his buddies would be here.





What would they do if they knew...?





The bar received him with the promise of an illusion of peace. Adam sent the text message that would lure his informant out. He had downed a half a screwdriver when the known face greeted him with a nod from not too far away. He shifted on his seat with the throb in his heart as he mentally crossed his fingers.





A hand shake. A pat on his shoulder.





"You are persistent."





That was far from true. Adam had decided that if he didn't see Kaiden tonight, he would put this matter to rest...for his own mental stability. He had a life to carry after all--things to occupy his mind other than the man who could well be all that Adam had thought him to be. How much of a resolve he would put to that effect? No idea. "Did he come tonight?"





"He's here." Eric looked around the bar and Adam craned his neck while his heart did a mortal flip. "He was supposed to be right here." Eric beckoned one of the other bartenders and asked if he knew where Kaiden was.





"You just missed him," said a freckled, smiley bag if muscle. "He's in the back." Evil glint. "Negotiating...if you know what I mean." The guy elbowed Eric and wiggled his eyebrows for effect.





Adam stared at the guy with the entire hell in his eyes. If he opened his mouth to speak he was sure he'd spit fire. He stood up so fast at Eric's oh shit, if he hadn't planted a hand on the counter he would have lost balance. Eric shot a hand and grabbed his arm, but he shrugged it off. Adam couldn't hear anything else the guy said and, without a glance back, he went to see this for himself.





* * *





Adam was aware of every fuming step, of every angry breath. No force in this world could throw him off this course. His eyes etched grooves on the black metal door from long before he reached it, as veins of ire pressed to the surface.





This wasn't how he pictured he would come to know what Kaiden was about. After nights of unrest and the wounds from his soul's self-mutilation, the picture was so different. One of a proud young man who spat his true worth to Adam. And even if harsh, Adam would have welcomed it.





Hell, he wanted it.





The picture between his eyes now... Of supple perfection shoved and done things to by a nameless bastard... Adam would never admit that once he saw it, his soul would crumble to dust. But he'd have his answers. With just a peek this uncertainty will be gone, the gaps will be filled, and he'd go home and forget about a certain whore that geared his heart to feel things he wasn't capable of feeling before.





His hand didn't falter when he pushed the door. Though it packed the force of ten lions, he opened it slowly, the hinge protesting from his rage, and he found himself facing a back alley.





He stepped into the damp night, where only a faint light shone from the distance, and he heard it, as a low moan and a whimper. A plead in mumbles that almost made Adam turn and leave. But he pushed forward.





In the vastness of his creative mind, what unfolded before his eyes pushed to the opposite corner of reality.





* * *





Kaiden's body ached with a rooted need to release all of what he had inside. He wasn't himself. He hadn't been for so long...





The ground hurt on his knees, all of his weight pressing down. His body quaked from a scorching heat he didn't know the source of, though the breeze carried a bite that numbed his fingers and nose. But none of that mattered.





Warm drops of blood dripped from his knuckles. If it was his own or the guy's, he didn't know. He was far gone into the red fog, and he couldn't feel anymore when his fist connected for the n-th time with the guy's face.





The guy breathed insults and spat profanities to Kaiden's face. Reminded him of his mother--and insulted her too. Pleaded him to stop, but Kaiden couldn't hear. He was possessed. By something that clung to his insides and channeled through his fists.





He grabbed the guy's collar and slammed his head against the dirty floor. The same floor the man had intended to intrude Kaiden when he didn't know better. "Say it again."





"Fuck you!" The guy snarled at the same time he fought to free himself from Kaiden's demonic straddle.





Kaiden grabbed the guy's face with enough force to twist it into a grimace, and spoke firm, grinding words. "Repeat what you just said."





"You're sick! You're wrong in the head!" Kaiden released his face and punched him again. Droplets of blood splashed on his clothes and face.





"Say it!"





The guy whimpered under Kaiden. "Okay, okay." He lifted a shaky hand as if to appease Kaiden's beast. "I-I'm going to... I'm going to fuck you."





Kaiden didn't feel the force behind his anger. He knew his punches were landing precise because something under him moaned and whimpered in pain. "Finish it!"





"Ugh... To fuck you, l-little whore. Ugh. Please... S-Stop."





But he couldn't. He hit and hit and screamed things he would never again remember. Everything in him, that black substance that came to fill him to the brim, gushed unstoppable and painful, and he just wanted to empty himself of it.





He hit for every night he was stood up, and every one in between when Daniel fucked him and left without a care for what Kaiden wanted. He hit for that thing that grew in Kristina's belly, for that blessing that he would never have for himself--flesh of his flesh, blood of his blood.





He put anger in every punch, and agony in every scream. And when force left his arms, he sucked it back in and continued to butcher the guy's face. Adam's slaps to his dignity, the carnage of any shred of will to go on, it all went to his knuckles and out of him, murderous.





God, take me off him or I'll kill him.





And he cried, inside his broken soul, he cried with sorrow and resignation, with regret and everything he had, but didn't allow himself to shed a single tear.





He slammed the guy against the floor again. "Why should I stop? You paid for this, no? Or what, you thought when you threw cash at me that I'd bend over and wag my tail?!"





He took out the bills from his pocket and shoved them in the man's face. "I'll give you fucking expensive." He crumpled the greens over the man's face, grabbing and squeezing bloody flesh as he did. "Your money nauseates me, just as much as you do... Use it to reconstruct your ugly face."





He raised the finishing blow, the one that could make him a criminal, but he didn't care. He was someone else entirely. He couldn't stop to think or to measure consequences. And the fist started to go down almost in slow motion, when a foreign force hooked under his arms and pulled him up and off the piece of shit he had been abusing, locking hands behind Kaiden's neck.





He kicked and twisted in the vice hold. At first, he didn't hear it. Then the soft breeze carried a sweet, deep voice into his ear. "Stop. Kaiden, you have to stop." It came from far away. It was the quiet, still air in the center of a hurricane. It was peaceful and safe. And even now, it sent a shock wave of longing down his spine.





For a second he ceased the struggle. For that second the rage stopped, and he almost melted against that hard chest that pressed against his back. Almost let himself just go and lean his head on that shoulder. Almost got tricked to believe it was that easy.





"Get off."





A fresh shot of fury grabbed him as he snaked off, spun his captor, and shoved him against the wall--arm pressed against the man's throat. It was the deep blue in his eyes that snapped Kaiden back from the haze.





He shoved himself off Adam. The action putting a world of distance between them. He passed the back of his hand over his busted lip. His feet were unsteady when he took further steps back. Adam kept his eyes on Kaiden while he got off the wall, closing the distance.





That look...





What about I choke that pity look off your face?





Kaiden's brow knotted in anger. His heart beat a bruise onto his ribcage. His face strained as the wounds that time hadn't healed ripped open again.





And Adam was now only a few inches away. Who was he kidding acting tough? Just kill me. God, just...let me die.





"Kaiden. Are you okay?"





He nodded his lie and jerked away from the hand that tried to touch his blackened cheek. He looked up at Adam without lifting his face. "Why are you here?"





* * *





Adam was so lost. Like the floor was yanked from under his feet and he didn't know where he stood. Kaiden's face was so close to his a moment ago. Those lips. His scent. When did it get so far away from him?





He peeled himself off the wall and walked slowly, with caution toward the man that he didn't know packed so much force in that slender body.





His brain was still spinning when reality started to settle and he noticed that Kaiden's hands were shaking. His eyes were on Adam, but they showed an emptiness that he had only seen in his office on those who were done with life.





"I'm here because I wanted to talk to you. I've been thinking...about a lot of things and...there's something I want to tell you."





"And you came all the way back here? To the alley." Kaiden spurt with sarcasm. Adam frowned, not understanding what Kaiden meant at first. Kaiden looked at Adam, shifting his gaze fast from one eye to the other. He spoke as if pieces of a puzzle were coming together in his head. "Why not wait for me at the bar?" He shifted closer to Adam, defiant. "They told you I left with someone, right? And you came here... You...are so easy to read."





"What? You're wrong."





"In what sense am I wrong?! Unless you like to peep on other people having sex, why are you here?! I didn't tell anyone I was gonna beat the shit out of him. So why are you here if not to catch me in the act? Like it's any if your business anyway!"





That truth punched the air out of Adam's lungs. He started to panic at the danger that was slowly creeping in. He came here to apologize, and ended up treating Kaiden like a whore again, in a way. Instead of fixing, he was screwing things even more. He was no different than the beaten guy now sitting on the floor. "Y-You're right, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about everything. Please, can we... Can we talk? Please, lets talk."





For a long moment Kaiden stared at Adam. Probably digesting Adam's shameful plea. Then he lowered his head, and shook no. "I have no patience for you. Not now, anyway."





Then he was gone, once again. But this time Adam watched him go, and didn't run after him.