Finally home! I think, when I fall onto my bed. I survived another week with Die saying how skinny, poor and pathetic I am. Actually he is right. I know I'm feminine, I'm pathetic, I don't have friends. I also know that what I do is bad. I cut myself, but that isn't only because of Die. It's also because it's my fault my brother died.
Flashback
'No! You shouldn't drive, you drank way too much.' 'Relax, little one, I got my driver license last week. I still remember all the rules and I still know that I have to drive when the light is green, not red. Now get in or you'll have to walk home. The whole 20 miles.' He gets in and starts the car. I know I should stop him, but what can I do? I can't drive and I can't get home myself. I should have thought of this before we went to this bar. I didn't even drink, although I turned 16 today. I get in the car. I really hope we get home safe. We're half way when my brother takes a piece of gum from his pocket. He tries to get the paper of, but fails and drops the gum. 'O shit!' He ducks to grab it from the floor. 'No don't!' I scream, but it's to late. The car drives of the road, right into a tree. The airbags come out and my brother bumps with his head in the steering wheel. 'Toshiya?' I shake his shoulder. 'Toshiya! TOSHIYA! WAKE UP!' I start panicking. No, no, no, no no, no! He isn't moving! I feel in my pocket and grap my phone. I call the emergency number. 'Hello, what can I do for you?' Says a nice voice. 'Please! You must help us! We crashed into a tree, my brother isn't moving!' I start shaking and a sob leaves my mouth. 'Sir, please, you need to tell me where you are.' I look outside. I tell her the name and place of the road were we are. 'Please calm down, we'll be there in ten minutes.' Then she hung up. I sat in the car, staring in the distance with the phone clamped to my ear. The last thing I remember was about 6 people trying to get me and my brother out of the car before I passed out.
End flashback
The next day, when I woke up they told me my brother was dead. Toshiya died, I survived and I feel guilty everyday. So I started to cut two years ago, after it happened. Sometimes it's worse, but I always make sure it's not too deep. My brother wouldn't want me to be hurt and my mother couldn't bear to lose me, too. Everytime I'm down she assures me it wasn't my fault, but she wasn't there. I should've stoppen him. My mother doesn't know I cut, but she does know that I feel guilty. We moved here, because there were too many memories back home. But we visit the lake where his ash has been scattered a lot and I come there very often myself. The place makes me feel peacefull for a moment. Then I have the feeling that he's still with me .
Die sometimes says that I should be lucky to have no brothers or sisters. I don't know how many older brothers he has, but he has a few. brothers. Well, I should tell him sometime that I would love to swap lifes. Then he would know what it's like to be bullied and to live in guilt everyday.
