I'm in the car again on that night. 'Toshiya! Don't die, don't die! Don't leave me alone here! You can't leave me and mum. Don't die!' I'm crying. 'Wake up! Toshiya, wake up!!!'I shout to him. Then the people from the ambulance are coming and try to get us out of the car. They scream to me and are shaking me. 'Wake up! Wake up, Shinya! Wake up!'
'Wake up! Wake up!' I hear a voice saying. I scream and shoot into a sitting position on the bed. I can't breath. Sobs leave my mouth and my face face is all wet from tears. Someone pulls me in a hug. 'Shh... Shinya, it's okay.' Then I realise it's Die. Why is he doing this? 'Shh... It was just a dream, it's not real. It's not real.' If this only was a dream. But it isn't, it's a memory. Wait, what am I doing? I'm crying in front of Die and he is hugging me and rubbing his hand on my back to calm me. But why? I don't understand it anymore... I finally calm down a bit.
'You okay?' He asks. 'I guess.' I answer.
Today's task is to teach the other something new. We'll have the same task next week.
Die seems to think about this. He is much nicer than the other days and I'm glad. I wonder if things will be different when we go back to school. 'Do you know how to play the guitar?' He asks suddenly. 'No, but I always wanted to.' I answer. 'Okay, come sit on my bed.' He grabs two acoustic guitars and gives me one. 'I'll try to teach you the intro of Kurenai from X Japan. You know the song?' I nod. 'Place your fingers here and here, like this.' I look at his fingers and place mine on the same strings. Then he strikes the strings so the first sound comes out. I do the same. 'Yeah, now place your index finger on the string below and do the same.' He shows me how to do it.
After a while I can play most of the song. It actually sounds pretty good. I'm surprised. Who would have thought I would ever learn something from Die? 'That sounds pretty good!' he says. 'Thanks.' I say. 'You know, I actually liked doing this!' Die says, he sounds surprised too. 'Yeah, me too.'
We lay in bed for about a quarter. Die breath is beginning to become steady. 'Thank you.' I whisper. Apparently, he is still awake. I thought he slept. 'It was just a task.' he says. 'No, I mean for this morning.' 'Ow, that's okay. You helped me yesterday.'
It's Friday. Die gets the task from his mother. 'Okay, it says we need to help each other with something, but it seems like we've already done that. Well, actually I have a basketball practice in an hour. Wanna come?' 'Uh... okay?' I say a little unsure. There will be a lot of his friends who bully me...And how will Die act when he gets with them? Will he bully me with them or is he just going to ignore me? 'Have you brought your music here?' 'Yes, but the battery is low.' 'Do you want to borrow mine? You won't be so bored then.' He hands me an iPod. 'I have to be there twenty minutes earlier than practice actually begins. And we have to get there. I'm gonna grab my stuff and then we can go.'
When we sit in the bus after about a quarter, I'm really nervous. My hands are shaking and I'm restless. 'Hey, are you okay?' Die asks. 'Y-yeah...' 'It will be okay, all you have to do is sit and watch.' 'They will see me and ask why you brought me here.' I say. 'Look, there is a spot where there is a huge shadow, in the upper left corner. They can hardly see you there. Just go sit there.'
I sit where Die told me to. I put on his music. Die starts playing. I realise that I actually have never seen him play before. I never went to the games. I also figure out that we have the same taste in music. This could be my playlist.
The game is over and I'm waiting for Die. I stand around the corner by the dressing room. There is a window above my head and I hear their voices. 'Why was that freak here? Didn't you guys see him in the corner?' 'Yeah, why was that?' 'Weirdo' 'You know the project I told you about? Well... I have to do that with him.' Die's voice. 'Aw, that's too bad, mate.' 'For how long do you have to do that?' 'Two days here and one week in his house.' 'I wonder how his room looks. Probably really boring and a lot of books.' 'How can you even survive? Make sure you don't become like him or something. We can't miss you in the team, but if you become like him we'll have to kick you out.' 'Well, I'm still here, but how will that be next week? I'm glad when everything is back to normal. It's so boring and I have to take him everywhere I go. Jeez! Why is it just this subject where I really need the good grade? Now I'm forced to be nice to him. By the way, you know how scared he was to go here? He was all shaky. He's so weak!' Die's voice again. He laughs. A tear slides down my face. I should have known this. Why did I think he would just go from hating me to liking me? He couldn't just have been nice to me, why did I believe that? Why do I even care? Did I trust him? I guess I did. After yesterday morning. He did that just for a good grade. He must have thought that I was so stupid, me, the nerd is also a crybaby. 'Well, he's probably waiting. I gotta go, see ya!' Die says. Okay, Shinya, pokerface. 'Hey, there you are! Let's go!' He says. We walk to the bus stop. 'So, how did I do?' 'You play good.' I whisper. I remember his music. 'Here's your iPod.' The whole ride back I don't talk. He even dares to ask me if somethings wrong. He looks kind of worried, actually. Well, probably just a change of his mood. Why does he even bother to ask? It doesn't take long before all I can think about is how bad I wanna cut right now, even though I know it's bad.
We're home and we just ate dinner. 'I'm going to take a shower.' I tell Die. I grab my stuff... and I also take my razor with me. When I'm in the bathroom, I strip from my clothes, clutch the razor in my hand and step in the shower. I turn the water on and make it very warm. It burns a little on my skin. Then I place the little blade on my arm. You shouldn't do it. A voice in my head. Why wouldn't I? I ask myself. I'm sorry. Then I push it through my skin. I'm weak and stupid, I have figured that out by now. I don't need other people to tell me that. I'm crying. I sit crying in the shower for I don't know how long. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door and a voice. 'Shinya, are you okay?' Everything I heared this afternoon replays in my head. Every bad thing they said. Well, I can't even blame him, I realise. Who would like someone like me? A depressed, self-harming, stupid teenager. I make my voice as steady as I can. 'Y-yeah, I'm fine, just give me a second.' Damn, that sounded bad. And now I'm forced to go out of the shower. I quickly wash the blood away. I step out of the shower and grab a piece of toiletpaper to push against my cuts. I dry myself with a towel and get a bandage to put on my arm. I cut a little bit too deep. I put on my clothes. After that, I see a little bit of blood on the towel. I just hope Die or his family won't notice. Then I step out of the bathroom.
I immediately lie down on the mattrass on the floor. If my eyes are bloodshot, I can always say that it is from the shower or that I got soap in my eye. Then I realise that it didn't help, the cutting. Maybe because I feel even weaker than before. How is it possible that I broke down just because Die said something about me, while he always has said things like that? But then, why does he say things like that? What have I ever done to him? Die steps into the room and lies in his bed. 'Shinya? Are you sure you're okay? You look a little, I don't know, down or something?' he asks. 'Yeah, why wouldn't I be?' Jeez, I'm such a bad liar! 'Ow, uhm... okay then. If there is something and you want to talk to someone, you can always come to me, okay?' 'Yeah, sure.' Why would I do that? So he can tell it to all his friends? I hear him sigh. He knows something's wrong.
