'After that, we moved to were we live now. The memory of Toshiya was too painful, but we still wanted to be able to see some of 'his' places, like this lake. So we moved. That's where you come into the story. You know the rest. But the pain and guilt of loaing Toshiya became too much and you weren't really helping. I could drum and go to this place, but this place doesn't always help and I'm not allowed to drum after six in the evening. So at those moments everything just became too much. That's when and why I started doing... You know... But I always made sure that I didn't go too deep. Well, almost always.' I say I lay my hand on my arm. The wounds from last time, at Die's house, are healing. But they were deeper that usual and I noticed by the amound of blood in the morning. There's a silence. 'You... You did this in my house too, didn't you?' My head shoots up. How does he know? I look at him. 'How did you know?' I ask. 'Your arm was above your sheets one night, when you were sleeping, there was a bandage around it. And when I look back at it, I think I haven't paid much attention to signals you gave. Like... You fliched when I touched your arm a few days ago.' Oh, that's how... I look at the water. It's so calm. Unlike my thoughts. 'You did it after the basketball practise.' He says. 'You looked really depressed after it and I saw your arm that night.' He explains himself. 'Did you hear us talk after practise?' I nod. I guess I forgot about it the last two days. 'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said the things I said, but maybe you'll understand when I explain?' I sigh. 'Sure. Why not?' 'Uhm... So, 3 years ago, I moved here, just like you a year later. That was because I couldn't live where I did anymore. The reason of that is that I...' He takes a deep breath. 'I was bullied.' Well, that's unexpected. Sure, I didn't know what to expect, but this would have been the last thing. If he was bullied and knows what it feels like, why does he do it to me? 'I never had friends in primary school and it started there too, but it wasn't as bad as in secundairy school. Well, the first three years. From the first day of school, the 'popular' guys decided to pick on me. I don't exactly know why. Well, I guess I know, but I'll tell you later. A few days later everyone was ignoring me except for when they were pushing me or trowing insults at me. After a half year the guys who were kind of ruling the school started to beat me up. I told you I broke my foot twice? That was because of them. I told my mum that I fell with my bike, because I didn't want her to worry. She had enough to worry about. My parents were having a lot of fights and ended up getting divorced in that time. It seemed that he had an affair with a girl of 23 years old. He disappeared and I never heared of him again. The bullying went on and got worse. One time one of them pushed me against a wall with his had around my throat. I couldn't breath. Just as I was about to pass out, he released his grip. I fell down and they just started to beat me up. Then I finally passed out and I was happy about it. My body hurt so bad and then when everything was black I felt nothing. It was the best I ever felt. When I woke up I was in the hospital. My mother forced me to tell everything. That's when we moved here. I never saw my bullies again. I don't know why but this time I got popular. The already popular people wanted me to be their friend. So I got popular too. They told me I needed to bully people. They just picked someone. That happened to be you. I didn't want to lose my 'friends' so I did what they asked. The reason those people bullied me was that I was fat, or at least they told me. Now I know that I had a normal weight, but they told me so. I lost weight. I skipped meals and sported a lot. When I was running, I ran until I couldn't breath and then I ran further. I needed to punish myself for being fat. For being not good enough. The bullying didn't stop when I wasn't fat anymore. And when we moved I realised that it didn't matter. They had set their target on me no matter what...
So my friends told me to bully you. It wasn't hard for me to do it, although most of the time I hated myself for doing it. You hadn't done anything wrong. You just happened to be the things I wasn't. You were skinny. Beautiful even though you have some feminine features. I was jealous. I wish I was as skinny as you. Everytime they wanted me to do something to you I thought of that so it became easy for me. In the beginning I didn't need to do a lot, just insult you, but then they wanted me to hurt you. Shove you in the tree you always sit under or even hit you. I know that they use me, but I just don't want to become the target again.' Wow, I never expected this...
