It was a really good weekend, especially with Die not being there. I'm sitting under a tree. It's lunchbreak. I can see them coming outside.
I was lucky last week, because then it was only Die. Today, his friends are with him, as usual. When he's alone, he is always less violent and less mean.
They walk towards me. I just sit there. Die grabs my shoulders and shoves me into the tree. My feet aren't even touching the ground. 'Hello again, worthless piece of shit.' I don't say anything. Actually, he is right, I am worthless. 'Being impolite, are we? You know, you're so light, I think I could stand like this forever. I would love to try!' I'm struggling to get free, but I fail. Die's grip is to strong and I can't stand. I could try to hit him... 'Aww, does he feel trapped? Well, you kinda are!' I take a deep breath and swing my arm towards his head, but I miss. For a second his grip loosened, but before I can break free, it's just as strong as before again. 'Ow, come on, Shin-chan, did you really think you could hit me? You can't move much and I'm not sure if you have any strenght in your body.' Well, I drum so I have to have some strenght in me, somewhere, but I don't say that out loud. Then I hear the bell for the next class. 'See you tomorrow, Shin-chan!' Then he releases me. I sigh.
Hey Justsomeone,
I hope you're alright.
Funny that we have so much in common! Same here about the colours and dragons.
It must be really nice to not have annoying brothers all around.
Everything is fine here. I'm trying really hard to get good grades, because I don't want to overdo this year once more.
In your first mail you said you had some problems you want to talk about. You can tell me always, I don't know you so I won't judge and I will try to help you where I can.
Well, need to do my homework now.
See ya,
Guitarhero
Hey Guitarhero,
Well, about the brother thing... I actually had brother,but he died in a car accident. And it was my fault! I should have stopped him, I should have tried harder to make him stop driving, to not get in the car. Believe me, I would do anything to get him back on this world. I live in guilt everyday. But I deserve that. I need to live in pain for taking the life of an innocent person.
Yeah, I know I can tell you. I don't know you and we've only wrote two or three letters, but I have the feeling I can trust you. I don't know why.
Good luck with you're homework.
Take care,
Justsomeone
Right now is one of the moments I cut. I can't drum because then the neighbores will complain. I have an agreement with them not to drum after 6 pm.
My hands are shaking when I grab the razor in the bathroom and put it against my arm. A few tears slip from my eyes. I can feel my skin break when I push the razor through. Red lines are appearing next to older, faded ones. There are also a lot of very thin scars. With every stroke of the razor I think about my brother and the mental pain, which is far worse than this, is beginning to fade a little bit. A few times I think of Die too. He must hate me, otherwise he wouldn't bully me, but why does he hate me? For my existence? Well, he told me this afternoon that I was, no am, worthless. He is right, I never do good things for people. I only destroy lifes. I destroyed my mothers life, my families, I took my brothers life, I make Die's life miserable...
My brother appears in my mind again. I sobbing now and I can't even hold the razor in place. I decide it's enough. If I go on now, I might injure myself seriously. But... Why shouldn't I just make an end to it? My life is wortheless, I am worthless. Why not? Who would care? Your mother would... your brother would... They wouldn't want you to. Says a little voice in my head. I sigh and hold my arm in the sink under the water. I look at the red coloured liquid flowing away. The thing that allows me to live is draining away.
