Selfish

Chapter 33

Edward's P.O.V

It's been almost twelve hours since I last saw her, since she promised she would come by to talk. I've waited in my apartment waiting. Part of me tried to convince me I stayed here, ignoring my family's calls, especially Lilly's. She is the most impatient of them all, she still has no idea she's back and honestly I don't know how to tell her.

How can I tell her the girl we all thought could be dead was alive after all? This is too much to take, I need to clear my mind but most importantly I need answers and I need answers now. I want her to come, to tell me exactly what happened and why did she do all this. Why have me believing she could be dead? Why have me believing I was never seeing her again?

There was another part of me, a nastier part that wished she didn't come. That part wished she didn't show up, wished that Bella had stayed the way she was: Gone. That part didn't want her to show up and explain herself because I would either end up forgiving her or choking her. There was no way to know.

I spent my day sitting on my couch with the TV off and staring at my reflection for hours and hours, not knowing what to do or think. It wasn't supposed to be this way, it just wasn't. I was supposed to be happy to have her back. I was supposed to grab her and kiss her and make her swear she will never leave me again the moment I entered that room but I didn't. I couldn't. Even when she said she was back for me, I still couldn't.

At some point during the day after seeing her there was a knock on the door. It was a hard knock, it couldn't have been her. It could probably be my father, or my stubborn sister. I'm not sure.

I take a swing from my beer and say, "Come on in!" I don't even look at the person who walks in my apartment, I'm to busy looking at my reflection.

"I'm surprised you let me in," Jacob said from the side of my couch.

I look at him. He's standing there wearing gym clothes, he probably lied to my sister saying he was going to the gym instead of telling her he was coming here. I don't like that he lied to her but I'm not even sure if he did.

"Did Lilly send you?" I asked.

"No."

"Does she know you're here?"

"No."

I chuckle. "Sit down then, since you're already here."

He walks around my couch and takes a seat far from me. I point to the beers on the table and he gladly takes one. We both don't say anything at first, we just sit there drinking beer like we've been friends from years when actually I've been resenting that man after she went missing, or at least when I thought she was missing.

"I think you know why I am here," he said breaking the silence. "Lilly is asking questions and she's worried about you."

I shrug. "Just make something up," I said. "Just don't tell her about Bella, I need to get that figured out first."

Jacob nodded. "I'll try but you know your sister, she's stubborn. She wants information and she wants it now, I can't stand lying to her." He shakes his head with a pained expression as if it did really hurt him. "You're not the only one looking for answers."

I chuckle. "Jacob, you're in no place to compare what you're feeling to what I can possible be feeling."

"I probably don't have the slightest idea of how you're feeling," he said nodding his head. "After all, I didn't spend the last six years of my life wondering where she is, what happened to her or whatever only for her to turn out like this." I don't say anything, I just let him talk. "Edward, I know you loved her and damn, you probably still do but that's not the girl we used to know. That girl doesn't exist."