Poems For Daniel

Nineteen

It's been a miserable three weeks since Jeremy and I had last spoken to each other. I've either been crying or just plain angry every night. It was either missing Jeremiah or hating him, and majority of the time, I was missing him. Tonight... I was switching between the two emotions. I was strutting and storming around muttering angry words as I tried to keep myself busy. "You walk out that motherfucking door, you don't come back... I swear to God if he calls me, I'm going to drive over there myself and drop-kick him," I muttered, angrily doing my homework. I paused for a minute, looking at my phone. I checked for any missed calls or text messages. Zero. Zero. I groaned in frustration. "How dare he not call me. I give him the best damn times of his life, and he doesn't have the decency to call me or text me," I mumbled. I sighed, the worst coming to mind. "What if he's already moved on? What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he was serious about leaving and never coming back?" I grew extremely somber and gloomy. I felt tears beginning to surface, but before that could even happen, a voice came from the  door frame of my room. "Safaree... go to sleep," my mother spoke. "I can't, Ma," I shook my head. "This Jeremy boy is really messing you up, Sweetheart," she shook her head. "I love him, Mama," I sighed. She sat next to me, on my bed and took me into her arms. She stroked my hair soothingly and spoke to me softly. "Why are you two fighting anyway?" she asked. "We're not fighting; we're just not talking to each other right now," I replied. "And, why is that?" she asked. I would've answered truthfully, but she didn't know about Daniel or how I felt about him. "It's just something petty," I responded. "If it's so petty, why are you two not speaking?" she inquired. "It's petty, but it's more complicated than us just settling it," I sighed, lying on my bed, on my side. My mother stroked my hair again and kissed my forehead. "Get some rest," she said before leaving the room and closing the door behind her. I sighed, soon getting ready to hop in the shower. Once out, I put on underwear and a shirt and slipped in between the bed sheets. I sighed, looking at Daniel's box from across the room.

"No, don't look at it. Don't go in it. Don't read anything in it. You'll just be giving Jeremy what he wants," I thought. I stared at the box for a bit longer before lifting out of bed and grabbing it. I unlocked it and pulled out the envelope that was last in the box and at the bottom, underneath all of them. I opened it and unfolded the paper, reading what was in it.

"Safaree...

Here I am, lying in bed. You've just left me for the last time, leaving behind your favorite beanie. I, personally, want to be buried with it if I die (or when I die), since it means so much to me, but... I figured you'd miss it, so I'm leaving it in the drawer of my nightstand. Hopefully, someone will get it and give it back to you... I love you, Safaree... I love you so so so so much. Words can't describe how deep my love runs for you, Baby... I've always wanted to call you that. You wouldn't mind, would you? Anyways, my heart does triple back flips when I see you, and butterflies fly rancid within me when you smile at me, touch me, or just look at me. I don't understand why I loved you so much besides the fact that you made me feel alive, and every time I was with you, the fact that I have cancer slipped my mind... The only reason why I never told you was because if you felt the same, I wouldn't want you getting attached. Me, having cancer, and you falling in love was a bad mix. If I died, you'd be heartbroken, and I wouldn't be able to live with the fact that I was the reason... Not that I'd be alive to deal with it... But... If you do move on from me, don't look back. I'm not anything you should be worried about. There's a whole world out there, Safaree. There's plenty of fish out in the sea, so why are you wasting your time with this clown fish? I also want you to know that if you move on from me... I don't want you to hold on to me. I don't want to be the reason why you and your boyfriend fight whether it be him finding these letters or you constantly comparing him to me. Just be you and let him be him. Accept him for who he is, for his flaws and all... Just like you did me.