Poems For Daniel

Thirty-Five

It took me a while to read Daniel's letters by myself without crying. It took about three weeks, to be exact. I thought about giving him my poems in return, but I don't know if I could bring myself to it. I couldn't bring myself to drive all the way to the graveyard. I couldn't bring myself toward Daniel's grave. I couldn't bring myself to set down those flowers that were always his favorite. I couldn't bring myself to set that box down, tell him "I love you too", and leave in one piece. Though, Jeremiah offered various times to tag along with me for moral support and to "meet" Daniel himself, I wanted to do this alone...

Cynthia and Cykeem have kept me company to take my mind off the matter, not like they knew about Daniel, but it did help. Cykeem has been trying to branch out and put himself out there more, and long and behold, he found himself a girlfriend. Though, a itsy bitsy part of me is filled with salt and a bunch of that should be me's, I'm happy for him... Though, his liking toward me shows a bit when his girlfriend's not around, he's happy. And, if he's happy, I'm pretty satisified too...

Summer was approaching... And, soon after that, I'd be a senior, and after that, fucking college. Then the real world. Everything was approaching so fast, and I've been beyond nervous about, well, everything! Cykeem would rub my back and tell me that all would be right with the world if I just chilled. Cynthia would just agree, but that only made me more anxious. So far, I know I've been accepted to a few colleges, and you know what that means... I'll be getting monitored my whole senior year. "I should get involved," I always tell myself. And, I will... Just not this year... I sighed at the thought of being monitored, and at the thought of having a low class ranking, and at the thought of boy trouble, and at the thought of "getting involved."

At the moment, I was over Jeremiah's house. I usually would go over to study, but testing was over and there was no homework to be done so we were just chilling. "You know what to do with that big, fat butt!" he dramatically shouted from the kitchen, freezing exactly where he was. "Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle," he began body rolling and doing the Barney. I smiled broadly while singing the whistling part... "Chilling" was a bit of an understatement... Jeremiah and I haven't really talked about "us" since that one day where we "explored" each other for the fifth or sixth time. We made an agreement that day, and everything's been going well. Sometimes, we do have to keep ourselves from any awkward situations, such as staring longingly at each other as our lips begin to near the presence of one another. We've never kissed that one day, but boy, we've been dangerously close to it... Jeremiah laughed before brushing past me with his soda can in hand and walking into the living room. I followed him into his room, where we were supposed to be watching a movie. The credits were rolling by the time we got resettled in his room. "Damn, we missed the whole thing," he sighed before drinking his soda.

"J... Can I ask you something?" I spoke. He nodded. "You remember when I was telling you about D?" I asked. He nodded again. "Well, I still don't know who he is," I said. "Didn't you tell me a while ago that it was Daniel?" he inquired. "Yeah, but... Daniel's dead," I whispered. "So?" he raised an eyebrow at me. "So?" I questioned him. "Just because he's dead doesn't mean he's not D," Jeremiah replied. "Yes, it does--." "I mean, isn't it a bit weird how you only see him when you're drunk? And, when you're not drunk, you can only see him in your dreams? And, when you see him in your dreams--." "Alright, I get it. I get it," I said. "Do you believe me?" he inquired. I shook my head. "Aight, be that way then," he nodded before sipping soda...

Jeremiah's words rotated in mind for what seemed to be forever. That's all that was on my mind. "Just because he's dead doesn't mean he's not D." "Safaree, are you going to eat?" my mother asked as I stared at my plate of food. I snatched myself away from my ongoing thoughts and looked up at her. "What?" I asked. "Are you going to eat?" she repeated a bit slow. "Yeah, I just--." "Something on your mind?" Serene inquired. "Yeah," I sighed. "You're not pregnant, are you?" my mother asked. "I'm not pregnant," I smiled, almost about to laugh. "What's up then?" Serene asked. "Jeremy said something that's been stuck in my mind all day," I replied. They stared at me, waiting for me to continue. I took a deep breath before reminding them who D was. "Oh, yeah. I remember him," Serene smiled. "Mom, he was the sweetest. He helped her to bed and everything," she told Mom. "Yeah, well, I thought he was Daniel, but Daniel's dead.. Jeremiah was all like 'so what he's dead? That doesn't mean that he isn't D'," I told them. Serene gasped with a smile. "Wouldn't that be cool? You're being reunited with Daniel's spirit," she grinned. "No, that's not cool. That's creepy," I cringed. "Maybe, he's just looking after you or saying the goodbyes he never got to say," my mom suggested. "Daniel can't be D. He just can't," I denied. Serene and my mother sighed. "I'm not hungry anymore," I mumbled before leaving the table..

Later that night, after I showered, I went to bed. I had a dream about D (of course.) I was sitting at the foot of a bed, twiddling my fingers. I looked back to see a guy sitting near the nightstand, sipping from a red cup. I stared at him for a while, trying to make my vision clear, but like always, it was blurred as if I were drunk. "Damn it, D," I let out a frustrated groan. He abruptly looked at me. "What'd I do?" he asked. "I want you to clear my vision and tell me who you are," I demanded. "Whoa, someone's feeling a little bossy," he chuckled a bit. "I'm not playing, D or whatever your name is, okay?" I stood and approached him. "I thought you knew who I was," he looked up at me as I stood in front of him. "I thought you were Daniel, but Daniel's fucking dead. So, who are you?" I asked. He sighed. "Wow, Safaree. You must really be stressing," he shook his head. He turned me around as he stood. He began massaging my shoulders. "D--." "I'm going to miss you, Safaree," he said. "D, I--." "Shh. The only reason I got you here is to tell you that everything's going to be okay, and that I love you. And, that this isn't goodbye," he said. "You're leaving me?" I inquired. "If that's how you want to put it," he replied, leaving a single kiss on the back of my neck. "I only have one request," I told him. "What would that be?" his arms snaked my waist and pulled me close.

"Tell me what your name is," I said. "You know me, Baby," I could tell he was smiling. "I'm serious, Jere..." I sighed at the fact that I began to call him Jeremiah. "God, I've been around him for too long," I thought. I pinched the bridge of my nose as his arms were pulled from around me. "Damn, Safaree... You're callin' me another nigga's name, and we're not even together," he said while I slowly faced him. "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean t--." "You good. I mean, you've moved on, and you're happy. That's all I wanted.. That's all I ever wanted, Safaree," he spoke, caressing my cheek. I looked up at him before hugging him. "See you later, Safaree," he kissed my forehead...

I awakened and looked at the time. It was about two o'clock in the morning. I sighed before sitting up. I reflected on my dream, thinking of the things D said to me. "The only reason I got you here is to tell you that everything's going to be okay, and that I love you. And, that this isn't goodbye." Daniel always hated goodbyes hence the "see you later." I still managed to deny that D was Daniel. I refuse to believe, but even if D is Daniel, why didn't he just tell me he was. Daniel would've told me, but then again... had he told me that he was, I probably would've started freaking out...

I guess I'll never know.