Complicated Love (Phan)

Thinking About You

Phil's P.O.V.
Dan. Ever since we've taken our relationship to a new level, he's all I can think about. Secretly sweet, not secretly sarcastic (ha ha), caring, "dad-like", Dan. There's so many more words to describe him, that if I continued to list them all, it take me months to finish. Dan. He's my entire world, I don't know what I would do without him. He's the one who got me out of my shell, the one who helped me to start conquering my shyness. Now, as hard as it may seem, I haven't always been shy. Nope. I was more flirty, more confident back then, back in the day, then I am now. I know, you're probably mind blown right now. I hope not, because it would be a bad thing if you lost your mind because of me... Sorry...

Anyways... I don't know what happened, but one day, snap, I was shy. It felt weird, like all of a sudden, I was too exposed to the world. Like people could, somehow, I don't know, see too much of me, of who I am... it's really weird and hard to explain, but that's kinda what happened. So I started building walls around me, distancing myself from the world, hoping this would help me to save my faltering confidence and fading personality. Doing this helped, but it made me immune to the world in ways I hadn't imagined it would. I became too distant, too shy, that I could barely leave the house without wondering what people were thinking of me, or if I was acting strangely, or if I looked like a tall, friendless freak. I didn't realize that people were looking at me and talking about me because they recognized me from YouTube. They tried to come up to me, to talk to me, but whenever they came closer, I started to walk away faster, and faster, till I was practically running away from my fans. I was stupid to believe that hiding myself from the world would help, because it did the opposite. It made me lose more of myself till I barely knew who I was anymore. I even got close to killing myself, but I never actually did, as you can tell, 'cause here I am now! I shouldn't be happy when saying all this, should I? No, probably not... Anyways, I did cut myself a lot though, with sharp things like knifes and sharp scissors. Never too deeply though, because I didn't want to leave any scars. But I never actually managed to kill myself. I tried, yes, but I couldn't bring myself to end my life, no matter how much I wanted to. Thoughts of suicide clouded my head, making me think irrationally and act on instinct. I was a whole different person back then. A depressed, withering away person who felt like he had no purpose in this world... Wow, that was dark...

But then came Dan, my savior angel. He saved me from completely losing myself, and killing myself, back in a time where I felt that the world was against me. Bit by bit, Dan helped me re-piece myself and my life together. After witnessing my walls go up first hand as my best friend, he knew he had to help me. So that's why Dan's my angel, because it wasn't for him, I would be dead, gone to the world, lost and afraid forever. And maybe even actually dead, if I had went as far as killing myself.

Now I know, I'm still shy, but definitely not as shy as I once was. DEFINITELY not. I've  broken down my walls a ton, and went to see a councilor who helped me bring me back to sanity and peace. I wouldn't be better, much better, if Dan hadn't intervened. I'm here today, alive, happy, and healthy... because of Dan. Dan. God, I love him so much. Not to say God's name in vain or anything like that. I wonder if he's thinking about me, because I'm definitely thinking about him. "Dan, if you can hear, which you obviously can't, but still," I say, my head tilted towards the ceiling, "I'm thinking about you. Every single moment of every single day. I hope you know that I...I love you Dan. *sigh* You're the only one for me."
Hey everybody! Thanks for continuing to read my story! Anyways, how do you guys like it so far? Any suggestions on how I can make it better, because if you do, I would love to hear them. I'll try to update this story as soon as possible, but I don't know exactly when 'cause I have school, and homework, and extra after school activities, so. Alright, well, bye guys!