farfalla

XXXIII.

I'm falling fast and I hope that it lasts. The fall is hard and I hope Harry is there to catch me.

Night after night I lay in the sheets with him, feel his heartbeat beneath the palm of my hand. His body heat cascading a warmth over me that I wrapped myself in. The way I woke every morning with his arm tightly snaked around my torso brought a smile to my face.

Niall hadn't liked the idea of Harry and I being intimate together but I did my best to ignore him. Always changing the subject the second he tried to take low blows at our relationship. I wasn't about to let someone else ruin the happiness I had. Harry was the only thing holding me together through this entire situation.

He was someone I could lean on when I needed to, I knew he was there for me.

"If the money wasn't a factor, would you still stay?" I asked as we sat in a hammock that swayed in the sunset. I did my best to find the beauty in this desert wasteland we were sent to. The blood-red sunsets brought a whole different beauty to the dry desert we lived in.

"Of course I would." He answered as he played with my hair. Both laying side by side with my head positioned on his chest I felt his fingers graze my hair.

"You know, you have never told me...." I trailed, stumbling a little over my words. This topic was a tough one for me but I wanted to know how Harry felt. We had a very sexual relationship but I wanted to know if it went further then sex alone.

"Told you what?" Harry questioned as I sat in my head not knowing how to say this. I was afraid of the answer I suppose.

"Do you um..." I sputtered regretting that I even brought this up now.

"Mia?"

"Do you love me?" The words tasting a little unnatural as they spilled out. I didn't want to ask him a question like this but it felt necessary.

The silence sat in the air for long uncomfortable seconds. I wanted to shift around in the hammock but stayed put since I was so close in proximity to Harry. My cheeks rose in heat the longer this silence sliced the air between us.

"Harry?" I asked again sitting up in the hammock. This silence was killing me and now without answers clouding doubt into my mind about our relationship. Maybe this feeling was one-sided and I hadn't seen that from the beginning. "Are you going to say anything?"

When Harry gave nothing to me the embarrassment only stabbed my heart further. I felt like his lack of an answer completely gutted me. I had given him my everything and in return, it looks as though he didn't feel the same. I closed my eyes and fought back the tears gathering beneath my lids. I was embarrassed that I had believed he loved me, this was my mistake. I should have listened to Niall when he said that Harry wasn't capable of love.

I got caught up in that magnetic feeling, I was blinded from the thought of us together. I believed that we were something that we weren't. He lead me on to believe that and it hurt to see that in plain sight now.

"I'm going to head inside now," I concluded feeling my nose redden from the tears I was fighting back so fiercely. I was losing my breath just looking at him, taking my wrist as I tried to leave him alone.

"Mia don't go." He pleaded with those eyes that I traced over many times.

"You know, silence is also an answer." My eyesight was blurry as a few hot tears fell down my cheeks. My voice was getting unsteady the longer I was held here. I could feel my heart sinking in my chest quicker than the Titanic.

Loosening his grip I untangled myself away from him and started toward the back door. I was emotional and hearing him say nothing at all when it came to the "L" word hurt me. I felt so much for him and it turned out that he didn't feel an ounce the same about me as I did him.

Entering the house I came upon Niall who casually sipped a beverage on his hand. His icy blue eyes conveying the message of "I told you so".

I took a blow to the face.

"I don't want to have to tell you this Mia but, I told you he wasn't capable of loving you. He doesn't even know what love is. I just hate to see you had to learn it the hard way." Niall said to me as tears streaked down my face. I stood alone feeling like a complete fool. Niall was right and I hated admitting that to myself.

"I guess I tried to see the best in people but maybe there is nothing good about him." I sniffled letting my heart drop dramatically into my chest. The words were more like knives that pierced my chest.

"When you have been through the things he has, it's hard to find anything good under all the bad." Niall shook his head while I let my tears boil in my eyes. I wanted so badly to believe Harry cared for me on a higher level. I had believed he loved me when clearly he wasn't feeling that way at all.

"I think I want to be alone." My voice was unsteady and I turned abruptly to shade away from the tears that were falling down my cheeks now. I scurried away to my bedroom I hadn't slept in for a few weeks now, I had shared with Harry.

A tightness around my neck strained my vocal cords as I shut and slid down the door. I was crippled with pain that circulated throughout my entire body. I sniffled while I sobbed into my knees as I wrapped my arms around legs.

The heartache becoming a soundtrack as I stood up and began to throw various items on the ground. Ripping the sheets from the bed I threw them carelessly as my breathing picked up. Anger and sadness combining into one as I took a pillow and ripped it to see feathers erupt from inside the fabric. White feathers floated softly throughout the air around me as I ripped up the other pillows on the bed. I was destroying the once clean room, expressing how I felt on the inside, a mess.

Finding a clear glass vase that sat on a dresser I took it into my hands and threw it at the wall only to watch it shatter into a million pieces. Water that had resided in it splattering in the surrounding area while the single rose fell to the ground along with everything else.

I found other things that were breakable, decorations, lamps, I wanted to wreck it all. Thrashing things against the wall I let the tears fall ferociously down my cheeks, letting them blur my eyesight.

It was hard to breathe and all in one instant I felt my arms restraint to my sides. I let out breathy breaths as I sobbed out loudly, arms keeping me from doing any more damage.

"Just let me go!" I cried out weakly knowing exactly who was holding me. I didn't want to be held by him because it only hurt me further. I didn't bother kicking or trying to fight him, I was simply using my words.

"You need to calm down." He whispered, keeping me in a restraint.

"Let go of me!" I sobbed not wanting to hear his voice at the current moment, I was self-destructing. I was chocking on my sobs as I went limp onto Harry's arms.

"I don't want you here." I cried weakly as we sunk to the floor, Harry still holding his arms around me.

We sat on the floor where the wake of destruction had taken place. Feathers and various decorations laid on the floor, broken from my force. My eyes trailed to the red rose, it glistened with the water droplets and glass covering it. It was still so beautiful in the war zone all around it. 

"I don't want you," I whispered quietly as he held me still tightly, my voice was weak and I myself felt the weakness in my bones.

"I don't want you," I repeated even though it was an untrue statement.

-October 21, 2016