farfalla

XXII.

2:15 AM

There isn't a night that goes by where my sleep isn't interrupted by my reoccurring nightmare. I could expect to wake up in a hot sweat with my heart beating out of my chest. The worst part about it all was that I couldn't rationalize and tell myself it was only a dream because it wasn't. The man that terrorized my dreams was still out there. I could only believe he was the one that was causing all this misfortune in my life today.

Bathing in the moonlight I looked down to my legs that were bare and exposed under the moon. My sleep shorts hitting my thighs as I began walking downstairs. I needed a drink, something that helped to calm my nerves most often.

Stepping down the stairs quietly and carefully I made sure I made little to no noise. The last thing I wanted to do was wake Harry if he was asleep he needed to stay asleep. Not only did Harry value any sleep he got but I valued his sleep as well. I wanted Harry to be well rested, he was to protect me with all his strength and that required him to get adequate sleep. I, on the other hand, saw sleep as a luxury, if I had an uninterrupted sleep it was the equivalent of Disneyland for me.

Jumping back slightly when I saw a dark figure looking out the kitchen window I soon realized it was Harry. The moonlight lighting up all his features, he was breathtaking. I never knew someone so beautiful. His green eyes darting to me while I continued to walk towards him.

"I didn't expect you to be up," I said in a whisper even though there was no reason to keep a hushed tone. No one was asleep and the only people who resided in this house were both looking at each other.

"Couldn't sleep," Harry responded as I neared him. The moonlight drenching both of us, things were quiet and still.

"I can relate." I nodded getting a better focus on his tattoos that inked his bare chest. Each one beautiful in their own way, but my eyes again drew to the butterfly.

Since I was little my father had called me his 'little Farfalla' which in Italian means butterfly. Ever since I could remember he called me by that name, even today as I stand at the age of twenty years old the name has stuck.

I wondered what the significance held to him. What drew him to get a tattoo permanently inked on him that resembled that of a butterfly. Part of me wanted to believe it was because of me but that is utterly stupid. Harry hadn't known me when he had gotten that tattoo, even I know that.

"I keep hoping that things will get easier, that maybe I won't be so afraid night after night. I keep thinking maybe I will be less afraid the more I have the same dream, but the truth is every night it only feels more real." I rubbed my right arm over my left and looked up to meet Harry's eyes that were shining in the moonlight. His body didn't seem to be as tense as it usually was, he was more relaxed as I spoke softly.

"They said in your file you tend to get attached easily to people and you seek out those for comfort. I think you do this because you can't comfort yourself, you aren't in control of yourself." Harry spoke in a hushed tone like me. What he was saying was true.

I sought out comfort in others because I wasn't capable of comforting myself. I wasn't in control of myself when it came to that aspect of my life, I was letting my life control me. I relied on others to calm me down from my high-stress states when the dream knocked at my door. I was easily attached to anyone who would keep me calm and comfort me, but not once did someone actually help me to conquer my fears.

"I don't know how to comfort myself. I'm too busy being wrapped up in the fear." My eyes welled with hot tears even though I didn't intend to shed any tears at all. Flashes of footsteps under the door blinked in and out of my vision as I let my tears fall.

"You can't change the past but you can overcome it. I'm here to protect you and as long as you have me, I won't let anyone touch you." Harry closed the space between us while he wiped away my tears. "I won't let anyone hurt you."

His fingertips touching my face brought me instant comfort along with his words. Harry was reassuring that even though these dreams were terrorizing me, he wasn't going to let anyone hurt me. He wouldn't let anyone hurt me again at least not on his watch. These dreams may be real but he wasn't about to let the past repeat itself.

Moving into Harry I wrapped my arms around his torso and pulled my body into his. His bare chest warm against my clothed one. I waited for him to do the same, I wanted his arms around me. Closing my eyes I took in even breaths even though tears still brimmed under my closed lids. I didn't really understand why I was still crying but I was and I couldn't quite stop the tears from falling.

"Stop crying," Harry ordered in a hushed tone pulling away from me and breaking up my arms that snaked around his torso.

"What?" I questioned when I saw his body tense up again. His brows knitting together as he backed away from me, making a distance between us.

"You should get back to bed," Harry told me walking towards the hallway where his master bedroom sat. Disappearing down the hall in only a few seconds as his pace was quicker.

Confused by the ending of our encounter I swiped my hand under my eyes to rid of my dripping tears. Sniffling I stood in the moonlight all alone once again. I longed for Harry's arms to be around my torso like I had mine around his but he never even touched me. He didn't embrace me like I had him but rather pulled away and walked out of the situation.

Every time I thought I got close to Harry, I was let down. Harry and I had had a moment when he told me he wouldn't let anyone hurt me. He comforted me and I thought after he wiped away my tears he would have embraced me the way I did him.

He was the most frustrating human being I have ever met.

-July 24, 2016