October 2nd, 2016
Gianni;
I just wanted to start off with saying I'm sorry. That's probably the only thing I'll have to say to you most days, but I'm just, sorry. I'm sorry I'm a mess-that I'm broken, I'm sorry that no one can fix me, that you couldn't fix me. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed and fix you, like I told you I couldn't from the very beginning. I'm sorry I'm so fucked up and that I'm a stupid little cry baby that hates her life for no reason at all. I'm sorry I made you think my life was so bad when so many people would love to have my life over their actually shitty one. Lastly I'm just sorry I can't keep the only promise I've made to you. I told you I would not push you away, but how could I not? You want to keep me as your little secret, but that's never going to work and you know it. I love you way to much to hide you because I take so much pride in calling you mine, because finally I can.
I can't even think about sleep after what Jerrod said tonight. This whole "waking dead" thing is already fucking me up because I am the zombie. I have to pretend to believe and act like I have no sin that still effects me and weighs on me everyday. I have to pretend to be this perfect girl stuck in a depressed girls body, when that just me. Im messed up in so many ways that no amount of medication or therapy could fix my screwed up mind.
If your reading this then I'm finally where I belong, where I've wanted to go for too long now. My soul is where ever someone like me ends up after human life. If your reading this then I'm dead. You have so much ahead of you in life, Gianni. You think so little of your self now but one day you'll be important to the whole world, your whole world. After this I know you'll find another girl who could do what I couldn't- she'll be able to be your glue. I would love to be yours for infinity, but that would mean I failed you, and pulled you down with me. If you fall off our metaphorical edge, well, I guess I'll see you in hell.
