The Outcome -minizerk AU- (sequel)

21

Josh's P.O.V.

Today was my appointment and Simon's first time going to my appointment. We both fell asleep in my bed. I'm glad Freya was okay with us staying here with her. She's such a good friend and I feel bad for what I did, but she understood. She's actually been seeing this guy which is really good for her.

I watched as Simon curled up into me. He was so cute when he slept. I am kind of scared for him to come with me.

His eyes slowly fluttered open as he smiled cause he saw I was looking at him.

"Good morning beautiful." I said as he smiled.

"Morning handsome." He same making me laugh.

I slowly stopped laughing, thinking about the appointment. I slowly put down my head not being able to look at him.

"Is everything okay? Are you hurt? Do you need me to m-"

"It's not that Si. I'm fine." I said as he sat up and looked at me.

"What's up? Are you scared for you appointment?" He asked as I nodded.

"Not scared for the actual appointment, just scared that you won't be able to handle it." I said as he smiled.

"I love you Joshua Bradley, I love you more than anyone in this whole entire universe. You are my everything and more. Nothing is going to take me away from you. I will always find my way back to you. Okay?" He said as I smiled.

"Thank you Simon." I said as he kissed me.

"Hey guys, oh..." Freya said as we both pulled away to look to her.

"Sorry about that." I said as she smiled.

"It's fine. I just wanted to say that I'm not going to be able to go to this appointment. I'm really behind on the bills so I need to stay a bit longer." She said as she started to walk out.

"Hey Freya, I can help you with the bills considering that we are going to be staying here until Josh gets better." Simon said as she smiled.

"If you could that'd be great. I've been buying extra food lately and it's been a lot. That means a lot." She said as she walked out.

"Come on, we should get dressed." He said as he got up.

He slowly walked out and into the bathroom as I just looked up at the ceiling. I felt as if I needed to still write him a letter. I know that he's here, but it just not able to tell him the things that I really want to say.

I got up and walked over to grab a piece of paper. I heard the shower go off and I knew this was the perfect time to write this.

Dear Simon,

I know this is stupid, I know it's stupid that I'm writing to you even though I can easily just talk to you. I just don't know how to say any of this.

My dad visited me. He came here and yelled at me. He told me that I'm a fuck up. He told me that I was worthless. That I was going to die just like my mum and that he doesn't even care. At first it really hurt. The way his words stabbed into me. The way my body felt as if it was stinging. Though he didn't punch me, nor did he slap me. It just hurt.

Then I saw you and it felt like everything was okay. I thought I was dreaming. I thought that you weren't really there. I thought that maybe it was all coming to end. But then you slowly walked towards me as I walked towards you. You held me in your arms and all of the memories came flooding into my brain. All of the feelings of happiness and joy came back to me. I never wanted to let you go.

But I have let you go and what if I do again? I can't break your heart Si, or else I'm not going to make it. But what if I have to break your heart? Then what?

Love,
Josh

I slowly folded the paper and got up to the box. I heard the shower stop as I pulled down the box from the upper closet shelf.

"What are you doing?" He asked as I turned to see the boy I love most in only a towel.

"Oh, nothing. Just had to check on something." I said as I put the letter away and put the box back up on its shelf.

"What do you think I should wear?" He asked making me laugh.

"Simon, it's a doctors appointment, nothing special." I said walking past him as I went into the bathroom.

My heart stopped as I slid down the door. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep going on. I can't see him fall because of me.

~~~~~~~
A/N: so I have a shit load of explaining to do. The reason why I haven't been uploading. The reason why my latest chapters have been shit. All of it.

For those of you that don't care, don't read this, but it does mean a lot if you do read this.

So here it goes. When I first started to write minizerk fan books it was about a year ago almost. The thing is, is that I had severe depression and in August of 2015 I tried to commit suicide. Writing was my one outlet. Seeing the positive feedback made me feel useful. Made me feel wanted.

Over this year I have learned to be more confident and to love myself, but lately it's been really hard. For the last two weeks I have wanted to cut myself or even hurt myself. I make these constant jokes to my friends, but now it is starting to feel like a good option.

I'm not saying this so that you can feel bad for me. I'm saying this because I don't know how often I am going to be able to write anymore. I've lost everything and I don't know. I just don't have the inspiration to get up and actually work and I'm sorry. I really am sorry. I am trying my hardest to get back on my feet. I am going to try and write as often as I can, but I don't really know.

Thank you for reading and also that's for 20k reads on my first minizerk book, means a lot. I love you guys and hope you're doing amazing, bye!