Chapter 14
Silent - everything after Devy’s suicide was silent. I was silent. My doctor was silent. The boys were silent. My family was silent. The hallway was silent. My whole hospital level was silent. No one dared to even look at me, besides Luke. I had no energy to even care though, all I wanted to do was sleep and half the time Luke would tell me to not cry and I wouldn’t even know I was crying. I would just… cry.
I couldn’t eat… I couldn’t even dream, I would just fall into darkness and even more silence. Sometimes I would wake up to Devy’s voice, or a gun shot and I wasn’t getting any better. I was supposed to be discharged the night Devy committed, now I’ve been in the hospital for five days not including the three before I was stable.
I don’t even know what to say besides the fact that I’m a mess and I can’t think or even move. I feel numb, I feel lifeless, I feel like a part of me is gone – and that’s sort of true because Devy was like my other half. Of course Mik is like a half of me but she’s my sister, how could she not be a part of me. Devy was different.
Devy and I became friends because I was too short to reach my folder slot in the second grade. My sister was absent the day Devy approached me and helped me out. I thanked her quietly and she smiled. That smile bought me. She always had such a bright and lovely smile, it was her best attribute.
Besides her sense of humor, I just really loved her smile because it was naturally beautiful. Not saying she wasn’t beautiful in general, because she was stunning – I envied her so much. She was smart too… I just… You would never expect somebody like her to be unhappy let alone take a bullet to the head.
Ever since second grade we had a blossoming friendship. Then we became a trio with my sister, so it was like she had to deal with two of me but she never complained. She loved it actually; I remember her telling me that one night in middle school. Technically speaking we had a friendship of ten years and around four months.
Ten years and around four months. I can’t even add the ‘and counting’ because guess what? It’s over. It’s done. It’s cancelled. It’s expired. It’s finished. God I fucking miss my best friend. I miss her so fucking much. I can’t handle this. I come home, end up in the hospital, and my best friend commits suicide right in front of me. It’s so great to be home. It’s so fucking great to be fucking home.
Devy I’m so sorry. Please come back. I take back everything. I’m sorry I was selfish. I want you back in my life. You weren’t supposed to leave me. Please Devy. I hate myself for losing you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m so fucking sorry. I miss you so much. I miss you so fucking much. Please come back and tell me I’m dreaming. I’m living a nightmare and I just want you back. I’m so sorry.
This is my entire fault and I hate myself so much. What do I tell the girls? How do I even go back to college? How do I even leave this hospital!? I can’t even get out of bed! What the fuck do I do with my life?! I don’t have one! I hate this. I hate this. I want to die! I can’t do this without Devy! I can’t! I –
“Abi, Abi shhh. Shhh it’s okay. Abigail.” Luke pulled me out of my thoughts and cupped my face in his hands. I blinked a couple times and felt tears sliding down my cheeks. Once I realized that I was crying, it only fueled my sadness and anger more.
“Hey. Hey pretty girl, no no. Please don’t cry. You deserve to be happy Abigail, please don’t cry. Please. I love you so much baby. Shhh, shh everything’s okay. C’mon shh.” He rubbed my back and I shook my head, looking down at my lap now that his hands were off my face.
