A Work In Progress

Small Talk (8/10/2016)

It's funny how for me
writing does not translate well
to speaking
And when I want to talk
I just don't know
what to say
And then I overthink
in the silence

'Is this awkward'
'Oh lord it is'
'Don't make it worse, say
something!'
'But what do I say?'

Until you came along
I had been
learning
Learning to manage this
issue
and conquer it
And sometimes
I think

'I must be boring them'
'I'm dominating
the conversation'
'They don't want to
hear this'

But I talk now
not as eloquently
as my writing, of course
But it is talk nonetheless
and I can do it
with you.

--

I despise talking and conversations. It scares me. I sit there and go 'What do I say, what if I overstep a boundary, what if what I share is too personal and it makes someone uncomfortable' etc. I overthink a small conversation.

So, this is for those who have heard me speak. This is to those people who I've spoken with and had a normal conversation and talked to and laughed with - from Glee (Emma, Divya, Iris, Tina, Patryk, Anne, and Matt), from Ceroc (Heather, Aaron, Laura, Bernard, Janine, Henry, Charlotte, Nik, Lotte, and Ben) from high school (A Block because I'm too lazy to name you all) and other walks of life. A very special mention goes to the one and only Xeno because we've been sisters since like, forever ago. I probably forgot people again. I do that every time I list names of people that inspire my poetry, sorry.

Anyway, for those people who might think that I'm pretty good at conversations because I have plenty with them: I'm actually pretty goddamn awkward inside, but if I'm honest, they're starting to feel more and more natural with you, and I adore you guys for inadvertently helping me to actually join and actively participate in conversation without feeling like I was going to socially fall on my face. Thank you for keeping a conversation going, and helping me actually have them.