A Work In Progress

Storybook Fool (Part 1) (15/09/2016)

A fool I was
Naive and unknowing
Yet still
what right did you have
to take advantage
of my trust
of my friendship
of me?

Do you know
how long it took
for me to listen
to a particular song
without remembering you
and getting angry

Do you know
how long I lived after
Alone
questioning my own judgement
in people that I met
That if opening up
only meant someone could
stab me
then better to wall myself in
Holding my soul
so close to me
that I began to suffocate
myself

Do you know
how long I dragged
myself through the mud
Believing that
I didn't have
a good judge
of character
That everyone wanted
to hurt me
And only I thought
my trust important
And so it was better
to not try?

Do you know
that after you took
this friendship
and treated it as
expendable
I believed
that I was too
That I wasn't
Important
Or a person

Do you know
how long it took
for me to believe
that I was a person again
And not just any person but
a glorious
vibrant
funny
joyful
kind
sweet
beautiful
unique
ALIVE
person

Do you know
how long it took
for me to start
trying again
to sit with someone
laugh with them
share even the tiniest pieces
of myself
of my heart and soul
(and yet still I know
that there are so many things
about me
that my friends don't know
and I don't know how to share)

Do you know
how long it took
to be vulnerable again
To trust
that I chose the right people
this time
who wouldn't see
the tiny chink in my armour
that I left open for them
And stab it

Do you know
how long it took
for me to believe
that other people
did think I was important
And to also believe it too?

Because I do

I didn't count the days or weeks or years
Rather I just looked up and realised
That the song that made me angry
was one I could love again
That I let myself be surrounded by friends
who laughed when I spoke
encouraged and supported my life
and was as silly and wonderful and unique
as I
That I had lowered my shields
even a fraction
a gradual unnoticed progress
rather than a conscious choice

Did you know how long it took
for me to finally realise
that I learned something from you
that I have changed much
from the untried
and unknowing
person that I was

For now I know
That I wasn't the fool in this chapter of my life

No.

That was you.

--

This is a two-part poem.

I don't often write about the people who have left negative influences in my life, but for once I found it cathartic. 

The background of this story goes: Years ago when I was still in high school I made a friend online through our shared love of Harry Potter, as well as being fellow Hufflepuffs. Somewhere along the line I naively began to trust him - a child's and an innocent's trust. When he paid me attention as something more than a friend I was understandably flattered - I'd never been liked before. We began what I thought was a relationship

However, I began to sense that we were both growing distant from one another and so I did what I thought sensible and ended the friendship because of a number of private reasons that I have shared with close friends (it is a private story and one that I will share with those I trust if asked).

A while after ending said friendship I found out through a mutual friend that during the course of our friendship the person had not been truthful with me. He essentially took advantage of my blind faith.

The song I speak of is Deer in the Headlights by Owl City. It certainly took me at least a month to be able to listen to any Owl City without getting angry or upset, much less this particular song. As for everything else, it's been several years and I still get angry when I see mention of him - partly because how dare he show up in my life, and how dare that after all these years he still makes me upset. You'd think that after all this time it would've mellowed but no, I'm still angry that he made those decisions but not because of the person he obviously was but rather that he left me for years to question my own competence in choosing and reading people. A large part of my issues with social intimacy (talking, sharing things about myself) is credited to this one person.

So yes, this poetry is personal. It's based on as much truth as I was able to write.