Trepidation | Sitkolson [ C ]

Chapter 18 | Fucked

It was like time refused to move forward. Every hour felt like it was a day, and every day felt like it was a year. In my defence, I hadn't been getting as much sleep as I used to get, but I knew that wasn't the reason. I really fucked shit up...

I fucked everything up with Ryan. I fucked everything up with Josh and Kylie. And, most of all, I fucked everything up with Devin.

If I could turn back time, I wouldn't ask Ryan to stay with me. I'd like to hope I would give him the most I could, in hopes of him being able to afford something better. Though, I highly doubted I even had two hundred dollars saved up. There was no such thing as saving up. Not at my age.

Anyway...

Days passed, and I found myself becoming more distant with everyone. Apart from Angelo, strangely enough.

He must've sensed, in other words, that I wasn't feeling the same, because he was being less hostile around me. I couldn't say the same about Chris, though. He was a lot less... nice, I guess.

It wasn't that Chris wasn't nice, but rather that he... He was a lot less understanding. I think that he had yet to actually look at Ryan as Angelo and I did.

Honestly, the fact that Angelo actually somewhat liked Ryan proved that there was more to see than what we actually could. Which is why I was slow to accuse Ryan of anything.

"Hey, Ricky."

Shaking my head, I looked up, "Huh?"

Angelo chuckled, cheeks red slightly, "The bell went."

With a small 'oh', I stood up and followed Angelo out of the classroom, stepping into the more than chaotic hallway.

Almost as soon as we started walking, my eyes landed on Ryan, who was walking with Kuza and Francesca.

I hadn't seen them all together since before camp... They looked just as they always had; lifeless. If I'm honest, it hurt to have Ryan walk straight past me without even looking at me.

Angelo lightly grabbed my wrist, stopping us, "What's wrong?"

I tried not to look back to Ryan, but it was hard, "Nothing..."

Angelo followed where my eyes wandered to, frowning at Ryan's disappearing figure, "Oh... Have you tried speaking to him?"

I started to walk again and let out a sigh, "No. He probably hates me. I wouldn't blame him if he did, too."

As if on queue, Devin and Kylie walked past Angelo and I.

Devin didn't even look at me. Kylie did, though. She sent me a small smile, obviously knowing something was wrong.

I felt bad for her and Josh, too. They were caught in between this, yet didn't know the actual problem. As much as I wanted to tell them, my place was not even close to that.

"Come on," Angelo said, tugging at my hand, "You can sit with me."

I was surprised he actually let me, because it was always him and Chris together. No one else. If anyone dared to come close to Angelo, Chris would death stare them until they were a safe distance away. It was rather cute, but I didn't want to think about that then. It made my chest hurt...

Through out all of lunch, Chris kept his head down, only nodding or shaking his head to questions Angelo asked. Not that it was unusual, but I suspected that my presence was barely helping Chris.

Whispering something in Chris' ear, Angelo lightly grabbed his hand.

"No," Chris mumbled, his voice small and soft.

Angelo sighed and pressed a tiny kiss on Chris' jaw, "Alright. We'll talk when we get home, okay?"

Chris nodded and went back to staring at the table, occasionally tapping it.

There was something about those two... They were so young, but seemed like they had been together for more than just a few years. Sure, young love was completely different than adult love, but I don't think young love was the right word for them. Maybe they were dating longer than people thought they would, but there was something different. I didn't really know. Not that it was any of my business... Really, the only thing that I wished was my business, was Ryan and Devin...

| | |

With my back to the door, I heard it open, then softly close.

Seconds later, I felt a cool hand touch my shoulder.

"Ricky..."

I turned to face Jenna, avoiding her eyes as mine started to water, "I'm sorry, Jen."

She shook her head and leaned down to hug me, "I know what you were thinking. But, those sort of things are difficult for someone your age to make. Ryan's different from you. To do something like that... You almost changed his life, Ricky. I get you care about him-"

"I don't," I mumbled, cutting her off.

"Then why'd you do that?" She asked, leaning back to look at me, "And don't say it's because you felt bad, because you're practically emotionless half of the time."

Sighing, I shrugged, "I just... Okay, I care, but... Nothing more than friends."

Jenna cracked a small smile, "I didn't say anything about being more than friends. But, my point is, what you did was something teenagers shouldn't. You helped someone, and that's probably something you can look back on, but you didn't think about the outcomes at the time. I know you've heard this many times, and you've probably told yourself this more than a dozen, but you were close. Now, all you have to do is make it up. Prove them both, Devin and Ryan, that you deserve them. Because, I just spoke to Devin, and... Just speak to him, okay?"

Peeking up at Jenna, I nodded, "As long as you don't go all 'mom mode' on me again."

Rolling her eyes, Jenna stood up and pressed a kiss to my forehead, "I'll see you downstairs for dinner. And you don't have to apologise now. Think of what you're going to say. Got it?"

I nodded, watching as she left my room.

I couldn't fuck this up. I couldn't.