Trepidation | Sitkolson [ C ]

Chapter 20 | Advice

It was finally Saturday, and I hadn't felt more unmotivated in years.

Ryan's kiss still left me in shock. But, that slowly started to be replaced with something else. I did feel guilty for not saying to even doing anything, when I really should've. I did feel guilty for not running after him and apologising clearer. I just felt guilty.

Things were fixed between Devin and I. Not fully, but we were getting there. I didn't tell him about Ryan kissing me, because that would only make things worse. Their was only one person I could go to. And I already knew where he'd be.

When I reached my destination, I looked over the park for the couple, sighing when I caught them sitting at a bench.

I hadn't spoken to either of them since camp, but it was noticeable that they had gotten a lot closer in those few weeks.

As soon as I was in sight of them, the smaller one jumped up and ran to me, tackling me in a hug.

"Ricky," He gushed, "It's been so long."

I chuckled, "Yeah, and I'm sorry about that."

Chuckling, Matt pulled away, about to say something before a slightly deeper voice cut him off.

"Why're you here?"

I looked up at Mike, biting my lip, "I need to talk... About Ryan."

Mike glared at me for a few seconds before gesturing to the bench, "Sit."

I did as he told me to, sitting opposite of them both.

It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be, that's for sure. Mike may sound like an Angel, but he's as intimidating as a Demon.

I tapped my fingers on the table a few times before looking up at them both, "Ryan..."

It was hard to figure out whether I should flat out and tell them, or eventually get to that. I had no filter ninety percent of the time, so that made it more difficult..

"He kissed me."

Matt, who wasn't even eating or drinking, seemed to choke on the air, his eyes wide.

Mike simply looked me in the eye, still glaring.

Whether he was trying to figure out if I was lying or not, I didn't know, but I was intimidated. It was hard not to be.

Pursing his lips, Mike lessened his glare, "What'd you do?"

"Nothing," I quickly said, "He just-"

"I mean, what did you do about it," He said, his tone harder.

At that, I looked down, going back to tapping the table, "Nothing. He pulled back and just ran a few seconds after he did it."

"And you didn't go after him?" Mike all but growled, causing Matt to place a hand on his shoulder.

"Do you like him?" Matt asked, his voice a lot nicer than Mike's.

"I don't think so," I mumbled, frowning.

"You either do or you don't," Mike butted in.

"I don't know!" I snapped, "Okay? I... I can't say that I feel nothing when I see him, but... I don't know."

"What about when you're speaking to him," Matt frowned, "How do you feel?"

I sighed.

I knew what they were doing. I wasn't that dumb. But I knew they also had a point.

Every time I spoke to Ryan, it was him first. Every time we spoke, I felt like it was the easiest thing in the world, but I still got that weird feeling in my stomach, too. When we hugged, or ended up in each other's arms in our sleep... It felt like the best feeling in the world; waking up in his arms. But there was also the fact that he is looked down on by so many people, for such a horrible thing.

"I feel like I can be a better me," I mumbled, "He makes me laugh with the smallest action, and... I miss him."

I tried not to let the tears that were building up slip, but it was growing harder with each second. I had to get out of here. Quick.

Just as I stood up, Mike did too.

"Don't hurt him," He said, looking me in the eye, "Please?"

I quickly nodded and spun around, waking as quickly as I could out of the park.

I couldn't go and see Ryan. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't. I may've figured out how I looked at him, and how I felt around him, but I didn't necessarily know I felt about him.