Trepidation | Sitkolson [ C ]

Chapter 21 | Unknown

When the hallways were clear, and every classroom door was shut, I found myself pacing around the school.

My conversation with Matt and Mike continued to run through my head until Monday morning. My thoughts from that day did, too.

I didn't have history then, unfortunately, so I had to search for Ryan the hard way.

I hadn't made my mind up. I had a major part of myself tell me I didn't like him in that way, but a smaller piece of me wanted to try it out. He may've been.. him.. but the thought of actually having something other than friendship with him wasn't non-existent.

After turning a corner, I let out a sigh of relief to find Ryan walking towards me.

"Ryan!"

His head snapped up, and his eyes locked with mine.

He muttered something before spinning on his heel, quickly walking down the hall.

"Shit," I grumbled, running after him.

Being taller than me, Ryan was obviously faster than me. But I was running, so I easily caught up to him before he could get too far.

"Please leave me alone," He said, his voice small as he tried to move past me.

"No," I shook my head, grabbing his arms. "No."

Ryan stopped struggling and looked down at me.

He had a different look in his eyes. Instead of being the heartless sort of empty, they were the tired empty. Seeing the lack of colour made me feel even worse about everything...

Before I could get a word out, Ryan did.

"If I were to do it again," He mumbled, keeping his eyes on mine, "Kiss you... Would you kiss me back?"

"I..." I trailed off, letting my eyes drop from his.

I didn't want to say the first thing that came to my mind, because that would crush him. But I also didn't want to say yes.

I shrugged my shoulders, shaking my head, "I can't answer that."

He licked his lips, "So, no, in other words."

Just as he made a move to step past me, I pulled him back.

"No, I just..." I sighed, "I like you, okay? I just... I don't know how much. I don't know if I can do this, because I don't know."

Ryan pursed his lips before shaking his head, "It's fine, I get it. I didn't really expect anything, anyway."

With that, Ryan jerked his hand out of my grip and pushed past me, shoving me into the locker.

I sighed and closed my eyes, dropping my head.

You can't fix everything with everyone... I guess I found that out the hard way.

| | |

I sat in my usual spot at the table, my eyes focused on the lasagna on my plate.

I wasn't thinking about Ryan, for once. I was actually thinking about me.

Like most teenagers, I was thinking about my future.

Where will I be? What will I do? Who will I be with? Judging from my high school life, I wasn't going to get far. I didn't have many talents, and I didn't know many people.

It was a strange thing to think about, especially with everything going on at that point, but I couldn't help myself.

Before I knew it, I was finished my dinner, and was helping Jenna with the dishes whilst Devin was in the shower.

Handing me a plate, Jenna started up a conversation. Unfortunately one I didn't want to speak of.

"Did you speak to Ryan?"

I avoided her gaze as I wiped the plate, "Uh, yeah."

She raised an eyebrow, handing me another plate, "And...?"

"He kissed me," I blurted, my eyes widening straight after.

Jenna dropped the bowl she was holding, but I was quick to catch it, "He what?!"

"Shh," I held a finger up at her, frowning, "It... He... It didn't mean anything. And it was an accident."

Tilting her head at me, Jenna's eyes narrowed. "They're your words and thoughts. I know Ryan enough to know that he would never kiss someone if it meant nothing or was an accident. And I know you enough to know you wouldn't let it go so easily."

I huffed, drying the bowl and putting it away, "I admit, it meant something to him and it wasn't an accident, but I have to let it go. If I don't... I'll hurt more people. I can't ruin my friendship with Devin, Josh and Kylie."

Jenna sighed, "Did you at least clear everything up with Ryan?"

"You could say that..." I mumbled, looking down.

Sighing for what felt like the millionth time, Jenna went back to doing the dishes. "Just... The best thing you can do is not talk to him. That way, you're not hurting Devin, and you're not hurting him. It may seem like you will, but it'll be a lot better than acting as if nothing happened."

I silently agreed, mumbling, "I told you not to go mom mode on me."

Maybe Jenna was right. If I were to not talk to Ryan, I'd be helping everyone. But when he didn't talk to me, I felt like shit. What if he did, too? Him not talking to me made me feel... empty... I didn't want to feel like that. Not interacting with Ryan was going to be a lot harder than I wanted it to be...

A/N: Okay, last chapter before I go back to sleep...
BUT, I gotta say this;
Just a few chapters ago, I was thanking you guys for 2K, and now there's over 3K reads. How?!! Seriously, thank you. I don't even know how this fic has this many reads, but thanks. Also, I have gotten a few messages about the sequel to Going Under. Yes, I have one. I actually have the first 7 chapters drafted. All I can say about it is; 21:00, 6..
I don't have the intelligence for a video or anything, so that's all I can do 😉😜😂
xxx