Trepidation | Sitkolson [ C ]

Chapter 34 | There Is No Fresh Start

Rain poured down from the grey sky above. My hair and clothes were drenched, but I didn't make a move to stand under cover. Both rain and tears cascaded down my pale cheeks, and my lips parted to let out a small sob.

My eyes latched onto the garage before me. My mind fought two halves, struggling to decide whether I should walk away and never look back, or go in there and demand an answer. The problem was, I was losing my strength.

I spent so long fighting for him, trying to convince the people I loved that he was innocent. I didn't see the true problem, though. They were therefor me throughout the whole thing, always trying to earn me about the dangers that cane with getting attached to Ryan the slightest bit. Truth is, I should've listened to them. Instead, I turned my back on then and focused on Ryan when he was the one I should've turned away from.

Sniffing, I moved towards the closed roller door.

I raised my fist and brought it down on the surface, banging on it.

"I know you're in there, Ryan!" I yelled over the rain, kicking and banging at the door.

He didn't open it, though, or even call back to me. Not that I would've expect him to, because I wasn't there to talk to him. He was going to listen to me, whether it be the last fucking thing he did.

I kicked on the door, "Did you do it?!" A moment of silence passed, and I raised my voice again. "Answer me!"

Another moment of silence fell. Shaking my head, I slid down the roller door.

"I loved you," I said, my voice barely audible over the rain. "I would've done anything for you. I actually believed that you were innocent. I thought that we could... I believed you. It was you all along. The house... The school..."

I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to hold back more tears.

"You bastard..." Pushing myself to my feet, I kicked on the door again. "You bastard! I never..."

I couldn't even force the words out. I wanted to tell him I never wanted to see him again, and that I hated him, but I couldn't. Even after everything, I still loved him. I couldn't, though. I shouldn't.

I fell to my knees, then onto my back.

Ignoring the rain that continued to fall, I started to sob uncontrollably, gripping onto my chest.

I don't know how long I was crying, or how long I was lying on the ground for, but eventually my vision faded, turning black.

| | |

My eyelids fluttered open. I turned my head to the side, frowning when my eyes landed on a pillow-my pillow.

I forced myself to sit up, my eyes wandering over my new change of clothes.

I was back in my room, in a new change of clothes...

Searching the room for Devin or Jenna, I noticed a piece of paper on my bedside table.

The letter was addressed to me, and I knew the writing straight away. It was Ryan.

My fingers trembled as I reached for the letter, taking the paper in my hand.

I didn't even realise I was crying until my tears stained the paper.

Ryan... If he was the one that got me back here, that meant he was inside that whole time. He heard everything I said, and didn't even bother acknowledging me...

With the letter still in my hand, I grabbed my lighter from my bedside table and flicked it on.

The flame hovered under a corner of the letter, flickering.

I wanted to read the letter. I wanted to read his explanation, and hopefully find out that what we had was real. I wanted to have my questions be answered. But, I wanted him out of my life. If my love couldn't disappear, I could make him.

I raised my hand slightly higher, letting the flame touch the paper.

Standing up, I walked to my window and held the letter out of it. I watched as the fire consumed the paper, eating whatever words Ryan had scribbled down and tried to explain.

I dropped the very little piece of paper remaining out the window, then looked up at the dark sky.

He lied to me. Even with what we had together, he lied. I loved him, and he told me he did, too.

Did I regret ever speaking to him? No. Definitely not. I regretted falling for him. I didn't care where he ended up. I just couldn't have him near me, because, if I did, I'd get lost within him and instantly remember what we had. But, it wouldn't be the same. I regretted a lot of things.

Ryan made me happy, and he treated me better than almost everyone I had ever met. That didn't change the fact that I regretted ever loving him, because I did.

I looked up at the night sky. Maybe Ryan was out there, running from his problems. Maybe he was caught. Either way, he was gone... I didn't expect to lose myself after that.

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A/N: All of these chapters (27-now) were written back in March, and they're not edited, so you'll have to excuse that. A/N next explains my disappearance.