State Of Consciousness

4am Thoughts

I've spent my life thus far wishing I were special
I've spent so much time wondering why life gets so hard

I'm the early workings of a distinguished author
Said to be of worth but useless in a sense
I'm the one person nobody runs to
Yet I still get used

I let bad things happen and it's for the good of me
When in the end I crash and burn devoid of energy
I make good things happen and I do my best to smile
But good isn't great and I still wish I would die

My heart is bruised and abused by me
Yet I caress and care for the hearts of others
My mind is wicked and my soul dark
And still I smile in the light of day

In the presence of familiar strangers I try to be known
It's all too much to ask says life and I spend the day alone
In the presence of family I am only trying to try
But family is the main reason that I cry

It's so hard to understand what goes on in my own head
Nevertheless I find something to blame for my incompetence
It's not surprising that I'd fail at life
I fail at loving myself

I wish I didn't have to think these wretched thoughts
I'd be so much better off
I wish this life were a dream
A story like the books that I read

Is there more to say
What more could I think
What more could I pour from the heat of my soul
Is there enough to go around
Enough self-loathing, enough that I would drown

Am I already drowning
Am I already dead
From structure to panic
I don't want to live
I'm screaming
I'm kicking
I'm punching imaginary walls

The blade is cool against my skin
And I'm afraid to cut too deep
I think of them and why I couldn't be as bold
I wonder why the darkness still holds

It holds me so close and so tight I think I might suffocate and die
But I continue to suffer through this little game called life
I never even wanted to play

In all this I realize I don't actually want to die
I just want to be happy
This thing called happiness is all anyone ever wants

I think