Frat Boy Niall

Frat Boy Niall (Epilogue)

FEAR [FBN]

Fear is an awful thing, and being faced with the things you fear is an awful thing, but having your fears come true is just dreadful. Standing in front of the altar has got to be one of the scariest things in the whole world, I can tell you that. Fear can completely fuck you up and make you forget everything except the little voice inside your head that tells you to run. It gets you paralyzed and blocks your every rational thought. That’s how I felt. I knew I wanted to marry Y/N, I knew I wanted to be with her forever, but once I got there, I couldn’t think straight. I just couldn’t. My palms were sweating, I felt like I was about to burst, I felt sweat forming on the back of my neck and my forehead, I was hot and dizzy as I stood there and waited for her to walk down the aisle and take my hand and become mine. I knew I was afraid, I just didn’t know what I was afraid of. I wasn’t afraid of commitment, we were together for a long time already and I didn’t want anyone else, I was sure of that. But maybe it was the fear of getting stood up.

As I stood there waiting, I looked around the place to calm myself down. I thought seeing that many familiar faces would make me feel better, like I’m home, but none of them helped me. There was only one that could, but it wasn’t there among all others. My mother and brother were in the first row, smiling widely and giving me the thumb up. Ryan has grown so much in those couple of years and he was old enough to understand what was going on. His older brother was getting married to the girl that he loves and moving away from home, leaving him alone with mom. He was happy about that because mom was spoiling him all the time and I was the one who was there to set up some boundaries. Once I went away, there’d be no boundaries and he was thrilled about it. That’s what I was thinking about while I waited for her to show up. Her mother was in the front row on the other side, and her father was back there with her. She looked happy, as well, and I was glad to have their blessing. They were nice people, completely in love with each other, even after all that time and I hoped that me and Y/N would be like them, instead of ending up like my parents. My dad wasn’t invited, of course. I didn’t want him there, and neither did Y/N. Mom was actually seeing a guy from work for a while and he was there, too, but she didn’t want him in the front row with the family, at least not yet. Tyler looked thrilled to be there, and he was looking towards the door, waiting to see what Y/N looks like.

I looked over to my best man, Connor, and he grinned confidently, as if he were sure everything would turn out just fine. Dating Tyler’s sister changed him in a lot of ways, but none of them were bad. He became more self confident, more positive, more optimistic. I knew he didn’t fear the same thing I did, he was just sure she’d show up and we’d get married and everything would be just perfect. The two of them would be the first ones after us to get married, Y/N would always say. I agreed with her every time she mentioned it. Connor worshipped the ground she walked on, and she was head over heels. All of those familiar thoughts didn’t calm me at all. It was a small wedding, just our family and closest friends, and we wanted a wedding like that just because we wanted to feel comfortable and share our joy with the people we cared about, but as I waited, sharing anything with anyone was the last thing on my mind. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, and it was louder than everything else in the church. Boom. Boom. Boom. That’s all I heard. Just boom. 

I just wanted to run away, run for as long as I could and disappear. The pressure was too much, I wanted to sign a paper and get it over with, not have a wedding where everyone was staring at me as I wait for her to show up. Another minute passed and she still wasn’t there. It felt like eternity. Was she bailing out on me? Was she really gonna stand me up at the altar like I was nothing?

Fear was all I felt. I didn’t even feel hot anymore, I didn’t think about the guests or her, I just thought about getting stood up, about the whole thing falling apart, about losing everything… I wasn’t ready for that, not at all. If I lost her, I’d lose basically everything. We were together for years, things just got so good that there was no turning back. She was everywhere, she was in every part of my life, and it wouldn’t be the same without her. I depended on her and that was the scary thing about it. You never know when all of it could just stop without an explanation.