Hawkeye: Agony

Awakening

I awoke in Laura's arms, sat up in our bed. My head was lying in the dent of her neck; her arm wrapped around me. I was pale, and sweating. How long we had been sat like this, I was clueless. The covers were pulled off, and I was shivering - I am not sure whether of the cold, or the fear.

The shock of being woken was harsh. I wasn't sure where I was, or what I was doing. All I knew was that she was sat next to me. Her breathing was slow against my chest and it brought me in to realisation. I kept my eyes closed: I wasn't yet ready to see her fear.

She gave me a worried look as I stirred and began to hush me in to quiet.
"Don't worry. Everything is alright. You're here." She repeated in my ear. The sound of her hushed voice, soothing my conscience.

I could feel her fingers running through my hair, as she tried to calm me down. But all it did was make me cry slightly more. I could tell that I had just been dreaming, but I couldn't believe what I had done. I didn't deserve to be sat like this, with her. I didn't deserve her comfort.

She didn't question the nightmare; she never has. This isn't the first time I have woke like this. In fact, this is the fifth time this week. And every time I would feel guilty for disturbing her sleep. She does do all the work.

It came as a surprise to me when my hearing finally focused on the screaming that was going on around me. At first I thought it was the screaming from my dreams. The crowd. And it made me huddle up closer to Laura... but it wasn't.
"Ssh. It's alright. It's just Nathaniel. Calm down, Clint," Laura whispered calmly.
It was the scream of a baby - our son. I didn't stay asleep long enough to know what had happened to him - but I didn't want to know. I didn't want to see any more.
I realised that I must have shouted in my sleep, because Nathaniel would still be fast asleep - like he usually is. It made me feel so guilty - the high pitched screech ringing through my mind, like I was a hangover.

I forced my eyes to open, and looked up at Laura's expression. She was scared... terrified. Yet she sounded so calm. How could she be calm?! ... I already knew the answer though. It's because she is her. The same wonderful woman that she always has been, since the day that I married her.
But me?! I don't even know. I don't feel like the man I was. I am weak; vulnerable. I am not the man that I make out to be on a mission.

**

She smiled at me and I looked away. At the foot of the bed I saw my other two children: Lila, my little girl. And Cooper, my eldest.

It was a relief to see them unharmed... Without an a_arrow lodged in their chests.
*sigh*
It didn't help my conscience to see Cooper carrying my medicine. They both knew I had had another nightmare. And it was clear that they were worried.

I tried to give them both a smile, but they knew that it was forced. Not after all of my wailing could they have taken the bait. I was not fine, and they all knew it.

I took the medicine from Cooper. "I'm fine," I tried to give them both a fatherly smirk, but my voice came across, horse.
Lila handed me a bottle of water, and I took a sip - swallowing a tablet. Then, I began to drink the rest to avoid conversation.
"Dad?" Cooper replied cautiously, "Will you be okay?"
I choked on the water. Was I going to be okay? This had been going on for months now. But... Cooper had never sounded so worried for me before.
I looked at Laura for the answer, and the children followed.
She looked between us all, landing on me. "You'll be fine. You always are in the end. You'll find a way." She hugged me tighter and kissed my lips, as my body fell limp in her arms.
The tablet was kicking in, and I was being driven in to a forced sleep.

I heard the muffled voice of Lila speak softly to her. "He will be alright? Won't he momma?"
"I ... I don't know, honey," she replied softly, "We should all hope for the best."
She lay me down softly in the covers of the bed and my eyes closed.
"Now. We all need to get some sleep now. It's late."
I felt her get out of the bed as I began to weakly take my place in sleep.

She hurried them out of the room and closed the door.
I didn't have to be there to know that they were crying for me. Laura, attempting to scurry them off in to their own beds.
But they wouldn't sleep. Not after how they just saw me.

The insides of my eyes tinted orange as Laura came back in the room, the light seeping in. And I tried to speak.
"Don't worry them... with my problems... I'll be fi_ ..."
I fell asleep before I could hear her reply.

"I hope so..."