Hawkeye: Agony

S.H.I.E.L.D

I awoke for the fourth time that night, with a headache. The clock showed 6am but I knew it was earlier. Our clocks are never correct.

Laura was not sleeping next to me, but this wasn't new news for me. She usually left me in our bed, and camped out on the couch. I was upset that she wasn't there with me, I love her, and her company is all that I ever needed to feel happy. But, honestly, I would too if I was woken four times every night. Expecially if my screams are just as loud as they are made out to be.

I looked to my phone's watch instead, which read the most likely time, so 4:30am. A message was showing underneath; it was from Nick Fury, my boss.

You're needed at work, NOW!

(I need to teach Fury text talk...!)

This message was sent two hours ago. And so I got out of bed, and changed in to my navy blue, S.H.I.E.L.D uniform - leaving without breakfast and without saying goodbye to anyone.

My Co workers knew nothing about my sleep deprivation. I tended not to talk about my life outside of being Hawkeye. Though it was very clear that I am ill, I looked like a Zombie every morning... But at least I had a reason.

**

Me and my family lived in a rural house, on the edge of a farming shed and field. It was great to have a place where I know that my family can be kept safe. Though the other Avengers asked about my home life, they never got a full answer. Our 'safe house' is classified and telling Tony Stark about a private home would not end well.

I planed to keep my life separate from my job, but the nightmares seemed to wish for otherwise. I love my house and I love my family, and no matter how many changes I make, I would always find a way to make Laura's life better. For her, and for our children. But with me? I didn't know anymore. The nightmares got worse each and every day. They cursed me...And for what?
They pulled me out and tugged at my life, draining my energy in my sleep and making the days drag along. The black dog of depression chews on my mind and pulls my life along. But this is one stray that will never go away.

**

I arrived at the Avengers facility on by motorbike and was met quickly by a desperate Maria Hill, who - after I locked up my bike - grabbed my arm and pulled me through the facility hallways. Completely disobiding all the security regulations that I would normally make at the doorway.
I flashed a smile at the secretary as I was pulled along, to indicate that I needed signing in.

When Maria finally stopped, I removed my hand from her grasp and looked around. I was in Fury's monitor room.

I was happy to see Natasha in the shadows of the room. She could never hide herself from me.
I smiled at her, and she moved in to the centre of the room - giving me a stern glance; clearly annoyed by my observation.
"Agent. Barton..." She gave me a court nod and stood next to Fury, who interupted her before any more was said.
"There is no need for introductions Agent. Romanoff," Then, Fury quickly turned on me,
"You're late... Four hours late to be precise." He meant to do a quick glance, but ended up glaring at my face - and in the end, letting pass my tardiness.

"We received word of a disturbance in the populations of America. Each city seems to drop in population, in turn - and by a rough amount of a few hundred."
"So. Where's the file? I can handle it," I replied confidently, "I mean, Nat can handle it too but I am better than her so... Or I suppose both of us could go." I said with a smirk, looking at Nat.
Natasha looked more nervous than I expected her to be. I expected her to be glaring at me with her usual death glare.
"Actually," Fury replied cautiously, "The whole team is going."
"Is that really necessary?" I replied cockily.
"I wouldn't have made the call if it wasn't. You should know that Barton."
"So. What's the mission about then? And where are the others?"
"Clint..." Nat's hand landed on my shoulder and lead me to a chair to sit down.

Natasha is the only Avenger who knows about my problems - and Fury, the only other person who knows about my past. So I wasn't as shocked as I should have been when the news came.

Fury continued Natasha's sentence, "...We think it's the Circus of Crime."
My face turned suddenly pale and my hands gripped the chair arms. All of my dreams from the night before flashed through my mind.
"You... You can't expect me to..."
"You're the only one who understands their intel, Barton."
I felt Natasha hands move to my arms, hugging them slightly.
I turned my head around to see her blank expression, not meeting my eyes and glaring at Fury.
"If he doesn't feel ready Nick, ..."
"No," He said finally, "Agent. Barton, you're going. And that's an order."

I didn't feel sad, or even depressed. I felt raged. I wanted all of my feelings to come blurting out of my mouth, and all of them to direct straight at Director.Fury .
I stood up heavily and threw the table over as I did. I froze. I glared. I didn't know what else to say. How to word my thoughts. My hands were shaking and my mouth was open with unspoken words. My eyes narrowed as my fist clenched and raised... until Natasha grabbed my wrist.

"Clint, stop."
My hand jolted in her grasp, but I didn't try too hard. I couldn't hurt her, not because of my own problems.
"Let go, Nat," I said more desperately, "Please."

Then she suddenly flicked me around, with my arm in to a position behind my back - and she was glaring at me with a death glare.
"I know you're annoyed, Clint. I know you're scared..."
Now, I wanted to interupt. I didn't want to hear the rest. She couldn't say that to me. Not after all this time.... But I was in too much pain; my face was contorted in agony.
"But you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself! Nothing is going to happen to you and you know it!"

It felt like she had slapped me cold in the face. She knew exactly how I felt. But she made my problems sound like nothing at all.
I turned to her, stunned and pulled my wrist from her grasp, before turning on Fury - pointing at him as I spoke, my voice, chocking.
"I know how you'd love for nothing more than to see me walk in there as if nothing has ever happened. But you can not expect me to let you take that team in there too. If they die..."
"They won't die, Clint."

My pointed finger moved to the doorway, "They don't know anything. They don't know what the Cricus can do. You said it yourself. Hundreds of people are dying every day and you expect them to be any different?!"
"I do," there was an eerie silence that I couldn't comprehend. It made me feel nervous and my hand fell to my side, my eyes glancing between Fury and the door.
"...Because they have you."

I immediately strode to the door, my hand began to shake and I clutched the frame for support.
"Me being there will make sure of their deaths."

Natasha couldn't look at me. She grabbed my shoulder and lead me quickly out of the room, and back towards the lounge where the other Avengers sat.

They all looked up at me. They knew... not everything. But they knew.