Refound Love (YTSTMB sequel)

Part fifteen

PJ P.O.V.

I needed to think. Well, I was thinking, but too much was going on I needed to slow them down, put them into some kind of queue and analyse them separately. I was hoping the air would help me feel less overwhelmed but it just smelled of petrol and tasted of city pollution. 

I walked to a small, cute cafe that was tucked away down a one-way road close to where I lived. The bell rung when you opened the door and it was always nice and homely and welcoming. It was always a comfortable warm too, which was a plus. It was peaceful and I came in here a lot. I knew all the names of the people who worked here and they knew me enough to know what I wanted before I ordered. There were plenty of seats and tables but I had never seen them all full which was partly a shame because they deserved more customers, but I was glad it was like that because then it was like my own little secret getaway.

It was my kind of place, not a mainstream popular cafe like Starbucks where I always felt obliged to be studying or working out business statistics. 

"The usual, Peej?" Jenny called out when I entered and nodded and took a seat at a table by the window. I thanked her when she brought me a huge mug of tea that needed two hands to hold on a plate with a teaspoon. 

I took my small A5 notebook out my jacket pocket which I took with me everywhere. I opened it and tried to find a new page but almost all of them were full of little cartoon sketches and things I needed to look up and an endless amount of scrawled notes. 

I found a page that was half blank, dug around in my pocket for a pen, but when I took one out I saw it had exploded in my pocket and the ink was all over my hands. With a sigh I used a napkin to get it off but it just smudged and stained my fingertips. 

"Do you have a pen I could borrow?" I asked Jenny at the counter.

"Uhh... yeah, here," and she handed me a black biro. 

"Thanks," I went back to my seat at the window, staring outside for a couple of moments before going back to the half-blank page. I doodled in the corner before writing out the thought that bothered me most: 

What if I love him?

It wasn't impossible. I had loved Dan before. 

I think I love him.

But I don't want to. I didn't want to retrace those steps that had left me at broken at a dead end with a shattered heart and clinging onto anyone that give me the affection I needed. 

Did I ever fall out of love with him? 

Maybe I did, or maybe I didn't and just numbed the feelings I had always wanted to forget. I think it was the second one, the familiar feelings were like they never left. 

This is all my fault, I should've just left things how they were. 

But I didn't because I was an idiot that wanted revenge on the person that damaged me, but in doing that it was just going to hurt everyone else we loved.

What about Chris? 

My stomach churned. He can't know about this. 

Did I ever love Chris? 

Yes. I did. I was sure of it. Even if it was a temporary kind of love, I loved him. I still do, just not in the same way. 

My phone buzzed and I took it out, seeing a text. 

From: Chris

Where are you? 

I texted him back telling him about the cafe and tore out the page I was writing on and put it in the inside pocket of my jacket so he wouldn't see it. I sipped my tea and flicked through the pages again, bringing life to outlines by finishing the drawings and adding detail and shading where it was needed. 

"I'll just have a small cup of tea please," I heard a familiar voice say. 

"I'll bring it over." 

"Thanks." 

I watched the chair next to me slide out and then met the eyes of Chris that brightened when he looked at me but dulled a little after. He opened his mouth as if to talk to me but was interrupted when Jenny came over him with his cup of tea and saucer. 

He thanked her and I observed and stayed quiet as he ripped open some small packets of sugar and poured them in his mug, stirring after. 

"We need to talk," Chris said. He put his hand on top of mine. It was cold from being outside and his slender fingers were placed on top of mine. "What's wrong, Peej? You haven't been right for days." 

"Nothing's wrong, I'm just not sleeping great at the moment," I began to feel nervous as his eyes searched my face, looking for an answer. I knew I was lying. I had been acting differently out of guilt and confusion, but his worry showed me I hadn't been doing it as discreetly as I thought I was.

"You haven't been the same since..." He trailed off and took his hand that was on top of mine and wrapped it around his mug and looked away. 

"Since what?" 

"Doesn't matter." 

"Of course it matters, just tell me." 

"Since we went out for dinner with Dan and Phil..." He spaced out again, consumed in his own thoughts. He looked down into his mug, looking at the hot drink while chewing on his lip. 

I went back to my own notebook, feeling more anxious as the uncomfortable silence went on. I could tell that in his mind were puzzle pieces and he was trying to fit them together and to complete the picture so he could make sense of what it was that was bothering me.

"Do you love him?" 

My head snapped up at the question, and I could feel myself flush. Chris was watching me carefully, making sure he didn't miss a movement. 

"Who?" 

"Dan." 

"No!" I tried to make it sound as convincing as I could, but the uncertainty in his expression and my racing heart told me we were thinking the same word: liar.