Refound Love (YTSTMB sequel)

Epilogue 1/3

A/N: SURPRISE

Chris P.O.V.

I looked down into my mug. Tea. Two sugars and milk, my usual. Sometimes I added a dash of cold water if I was in a rush to get out but needed that first hot drink of the day.

It was a nice sort of creamy, beige colour. The kind where you know just the right of amount of milk had been added. I took a sip. It was perfect. Though, it should be, really, he'd had years of practice.

Part of me would've preferred if this yet-to-be-had discussion was over a small round table with bottles of beers in our hands and heartfelt confessions drunkenly falling out our mouths in a loud, noisy pub.

Maybe then it would be okay after because the alcohol would make me more comfortable and loosen me up without caring about what to say, because it had been an hour since I got back home and I hadn't really said anything to PJ who flinched every time I cleared my throat or moved slightly.

When I asked him if he could make me tea, he had got up hastily and done it in a flash, but I couldn't work out if it was nervous energy or if he had sensed my lack of patience today. I noticed his hands were shaky when he handed me my mug but didn't comment and muttered something of a thanks.

He kept watching me with those stupid piercing eyes that I tried my best to not look back into. When you looked at him, his eyes were always the first thing to grab your attention so I avoided doing so, afraid that I'd be pulled right back under his control without being given the chance to express how I felt.

No, I had to look after my heart and myself first. Even if it was just for a while, just for once. I had been hurt too much but had forced myself to stay silent, which had made the bruises darker and the wounds deeper. It was time for me heal now, or at least, start the process in doing so.

I was ready.

"Right. Okay. So..." I started, but I was lost for words and was kicking myself for spending two weeks away and not thinking once about what I was going to say.

"I-"

"Do you want to go to the pub?" I looked up staring right at PJ who just looked unsure of everything around him.

"Um, if you-"

"It's fine. I know you're not keen on them. Doesn't matter."

I looked away from him just after he flushed and bit down on his lip.

Silence.

I could hear a phone ringing somewhere and drilling outside. The low hum of the fridge. PJ's breaths. The thudding of my own heart.

"We have to talk about this, Chris."

I looked over to my bag that I had dumped by the door. "Do we? Really?" I glanced back to PJ and it felt like someone had shot me in the chest. "I don't have anything to say to you."

"Chris-"

"Is that vodka?"

"Yeah, I- Chris?"

I felt his eyes on me as I went over to where I spotted the glass bottle and took out a small glass. I poured out some of the liquor and knocked it back. Then I did another. And another. And another. I felt my throat burn and the room got very tense. He always hated it when I drank like that. No exceptions.

I sat back down, my stomach warm. I met the green eyes of someone I thought I loved but he was a stranger to me.

"You can stop looking at me like that. You don't own me."

"Chris-"

"Stop saying my name too, you sound like a broken record."

I don't know why I kept snapping at him. He was trying to talk but I don't think I cared any more. Anger that I thought I numbed was bubbling inside of me and I was getting hot, but the alcohol was beginning to kick into my system and fog over my thoughts.

I laughed. "It's no wonder you didn't want to be with me. It was my fault."

"It's n-"

"I gave you everything. I tried, PJ! I still wasn't enough. Why wasn't I enough for you?"

"You are-"

"No! Don't you dare lie to me. Don't you think you've done enough of that already? I loved you, PJ. Fuck, I loved you so, so much. You are never going to find someone who loves you as much I did. He would never love you as much I did."

My face is wet. When I wipe the back of my hand on my cheek, I find I'm crying. I'm beginning to feel drunk now and I can't seem to stop my mouth.

"Look, if you stop interrupting and just listen to me-"

"Listen to you?! PJ, you've had two weeks to talk to me and I've had two weeks to listen. You haven't tried. You haven't bothered. You didn't call. You didn't text. It's too late. It's my turn now."

He sighs and hides his face in his hands. His shoulders begin to shake. I'm too hurt to care.

"Why didn't you call me though?" No response. Then it hits me. "You don't care. You never loved me."

PJ takes his head out of his hands and looks up at me. He's hurt and upset, tears leaving trails down his face. "I did. I do, I... I..."

"Just not like you love Dan."

He takes a shaky breath. "I'm sorry."

Just when I think I'm invincible to the pain, I feel everything in me collapse and shatter. I feel heavy and I can't breathe.

To hear it, to hear that someone doesn't love you back fills you with a different shade of darkness. It is despair and dread. It is loneliness and self-hatred. You are cold and empty and it is worse than any other pain you have ever experienced.

I look at PJ, my best friend, my partner in crime. I can see he has the same shade of darkness inside of him and I reach out and wipe away his tears. And I don't know why, but I kiss him. And I don't know why, but he lets me.

I'm embarrassed when I realise what I've done and just smile weakly and get up, going into my bedroom and closing the door behind me.

A/N: Here's the first part of the epilogue I've been promising for a thousand years. I hope this answers some questions. This is a thanks for all of your support that always leaves me so overwhelmed!  I started going through comments today (130,000 of them!) but there's so many it's going to take me while. In the mean time, please feel free to drop me a message about anything and everything on here or on Twitter my username is ughitssophie :) 

More to come, see you soon!