Refound Love (YTSTMB sequel)

Part twenty-eight

Phil P.O.V.

The hotel room was murky. It was dark and the cloudy weather that came in from the window didn't make it any better. I switched on the light - one simple light bulb hanging from the ceiling with a light shade bubbling around it but it was too bright and glared too much and it felt like I was being interrogated by police so I switched it back off and flung myself on the bed, burying my face in the pillow and lying on my front.

I wish I thought more about where I was going to stay instead of throwing myself into the first hotel I saw. You could say that maybe it was a bit too pricey for a 3-star room, but this was London and the prices inflamed at any possible chance.

I didn't like the room. The walls were a strange light green colour and it was too small. Everything seemed to have shrunk in size compared to the apartment I shared. My feet were just hanging off the bed and the towels that were put on the shelves of an open wardrobe looked for children rather than a grown man. Even the kettle was travel-sized and there weren't enough sachets of sugar for even just one mug of coffee.

I did barely anything during the day. I lazed around, watched an endless string of daytime TV and sighed at the slow hotel Wi-Fi countless of times. I avoided any social networks and signed out of my YouTube account so no one could see my activity when I was watching videos.

The 'Do Not Disturb' sign stayed outside on the door handle of my room so I wouldn't be bothered by the housekeeping staff. I didn't speak for days. I didn't have to or need to, because I didn't leave my room and no one bothered to contact me. Dan tried to call me a couple of times, but when he did I just watched and listened to my phone ringing, not being able to pick up but I couldn't decline it either.

The silence that followed after my ringing phone died out was painful. I wasn't used to things being this quiet. At home, we'd be talking or there would be music playing or the TV would be on or there would be the sound of typing on keyboards or rustling in the kitchen. But now that I was alone and not doing much, I found comfort just in people moving about in the hallway and the sound of cars driving past, or just any other sound that reminded me I was not alone in this world even though I was hidden away and shut myself off from the rest of it.

I didn't let myself think too much about the situation with Dan - it just hurt too much, but I thought a lot about just him a lot and what he was doing. I worried about him too, because I knew he didn't like to be alone either. I wondered how he was coping, and sometimes I felt awful because I supposed to be his best friend and look after him at times like these, when his heart was broken and he had no one else to turn to. We told each other everything, or at least, that's what I thought, and now that Chris had left PJ too...

I shuddered at the thought of them meeting up somewhere, probably even one of our homes, and just talking. Talking about what had happened, what they were feeling and if there was any guilt or regret. Talking about anything that would pass the time and leave them feeling less alone. I thought about that if they met up at Dan and I's then PJ would stay the night, since there was no point of him going back to an empty flat and being miserable. He would sleep in Dan's bed and Dan would sleep in mine either because he missed me or he didn't want PJ's smell to rub off onto my sheets. My mind even dared to go as far as asking if they would sleep in the same bed, but I was sure that he, that they wouldn't risk it. And yet, there was nothing to stop them if the temptation was there, everything was already a mess and they had done it all before.

I could picture it all in my head - I could see Dan being defensive at first and pulling the sleeves over his hands, but PJ's charm would eventually settle him then there would be the not-so-accidental hand touches and the smiles and laughing at their inside jokes. My stomach churned and I felt sick, not because that could've been happening right now this second, but that it had been happening behind my back for almost half a year. 

I was also just jealous. Jealous because Dan was supposed to be my boyfriend but he had been taken from me, and I didn't like sharing. If they were together, I was just jealous of that. Talking to Dan, being able to take his hand whenever I pleased... I wanted it all back, but I couldn't bring myself to go back home yet.

I didn't have much faith in Dan anymore, but I did have the tiniest bit of trust in him that he wouldn't do it again, no matter how desperate he was, because this bit in our relationship was critical. Despite my mind tormenting me and making me think the worst, I knew Dan was alone because he called me 5 times a day without fail. A different day meant he called at different times than the day before, and I liked that because it meant they calls weren't scheduled like a routine or a chore but instead he was still thinking about me during his days.

I stayed at the hotel for 6 days. On the fifth night, I had never felt so weak and I was aching all over. It was like my heartbreak had by leaked some of the pain into my veins and it spread all over, reaching every limb, every fingertip and it weighed on my chest, and all I could hear were my shallow breaths and the blood pulsing in my ears.

I needed him. I needed him to lift the darkness from my eyes and hold me until I could breathe again. I needed his smile to replace this emptiness with love, nothing else but pure love.

But I had left him, he was out of my reach. My hand crawled forward and clasped onto my phone and I pulled it back to me, squinting at the screen when I unlocked it. I hadn't charged it today, and maybe I hadn't the day before either since I couldn't remember, but I still had 10% battery left, so I had to make it quick. I put my phone on loudspeaker when I tapped the number and it was answered on the first ring and the voice who answered was breathless, like they had been running.

"Hello?"

"Dan," I choked out, my throat dry and scratchy from not eating or drinking. Plus, it was the first time I had used my voice in days.

"Phil?! I've been so worried! I've been trying to call you all week but you weren't answering and no one had heard from you and I thought- it doesn't matter, where are you?"

"Just a-at a hotel. How are you?"

"I've been awful without you," his voice was thick and I could tell he was about to cry if he wasn't already. "What about you? I-I'm so glad you're here."

'Stronger', was the first word that came to mind. Just listening to him speak gave me strength.

"I wanted to hear the sound of your voice," I sounded pathetic, but I had been hurting us both by not contacting him in any way and it was about time I stopped punishing us. "I've missed you," I took a deep breath, "I want to come home."