Refound Love (YTSTMB sequel)

Part twenty-two

Dan P.O.V.

I was feeling torn. I was split into two and my heart was divided, one half hating and being terrified of the thought of losing Phil and cherishing every second I had with him, the other half aching for PJ when we weren't together and waiting for time to fly so I could get on with our next secret plans to see each other.

I hated what I was doing. I hated that I was in two relationships and cheating on them both, even though I really was just having the one affair.

I didn't like to think of my relationship with PJ like that. Affair. It didn't sound right with us. I would think of an affair as people who just slept together and nothing else, but we weren't like that. We didn't rip each other's clothes off but instead just gripped at them to pull the other closer, desperate to feel us pressed up together.

I loved him. But I loved Phil, too. I wondered how that could be but I didn't want to go the science or the possibility of it all because it didn't matter. What did matter and pressed on my mind a lot was being caught or found out and how Phil would react. I thought it would be best if the sooner I told Phil the better, but PJ wouldn't let me breathe a word about it to anyone and my stomach twisted in knots when I pictured what would happen if I went behind his back and told Phil anyway.

Maybe it was the better option to keep it from Phil, but I worried more and more each time I saw PJ that my lies and act were slipping even after building them up for so long and it was only so soon before everything came out. I became paranoid and restless with a constant feeling of nausea, and I tried to be more careful when going out to see PJ by looking behind my shoulder every so often to check I wasn't being followed by anyone.

Five months. It'd been five months since I started meeting PJ in private and I was becoming sick of it but at the same time I couldn't get enough. I didn't want to lie anymore but I was addicted to him, and no matter how much I got I always seemed to want to more. But as time went on Peej seemed to distant himself from me and put in less effort. We used to meet up about 5 times a week but that dwindled into 2 or sometimes 1, and he'd no longer stay for as long as he could but instead I was lucky if I got half an hour with him.

I asked him about his lack of interest by text to which he replied:

Sorry, Chris is just suspicious again x

I knew Chris had more than his suspicions, in fact I was sure he knew exactly what was going on but didn't want to go accusing PJ of things because he was scared of losing him. But I could see how much we were hurting Chris just last week when him and Peej came over and he looked at me warily after he caught PJ smiling at me. I felt a stab of guilt when I looked into Chris' eyes that portrayed not really sadness, jealousy, knowing or realisation but somehow a mix of all of them, although his upset was highlighted the most and if it was possible, I swear I heard his heart break.

He opened his mouth as if to say something but shut it again and bit his lip, glancing at PJ and taking his hand half-heartedly, their fingers loosely tied together. 

-

I love you. 

I said the four words over and over in my head, practising the phrase. 

I love you, Phil. 

I'd say it with a grin and step forward and put my arms around his waist and pull him close to me, kissing his forehead, and then maybe even his lips, if I could just get these words out. 

I'd say these words because he looked so adorable right now, staring confused out the window with a funny expression on his face, completely lost in his own thoughts. 

I took a sip of my drink and continued watching him, growing more amused. "What are you thinking about?" I asked, too curious to let him stay silent much longer.

"That blue light, do you see?" He pointed, his other hand taking mine and pulling me next to him.

"I see it. What about it?" 

"It's moved. I swear, it was over there before." 

"No, it's always been there," I laughed and hugged him from behind. "You're seeing things." 

"But I swear on my life-" 

"Babe, I promise you, it's been there the whole time." 

"Hmm," he mumbled, folding his arms so they were on top of mine. In the reflection I could see him pouting and frowning still and I laughed lightly and pressed a kiss to the back of his neck. 

"I love you," I mumbled and he turned around, his ice blue eyes wide and sparkling, he was smiling and the happiest I had seen in him in days.

"You haven't said that in ages," he gushed. 

"I haven't? Oh," the feeling of guilt started tugging at me again, but I tried to ignore it and smiled weakly and said, "sorry." 

"It's okay. What's wrong, Dan? You've been hiding stuff from me again," he put a hand behind my neck which made me flinch but I kept my arms around him. 

"It's nothing. Just AdSense. I'm not getting as much from it as I used to," I lied.

"You don't need to worry, you know I can help pay for things too." 

"I don't need help, I get more than enough. I think I'm just being greedy. It's fine, really," I reassured when he looked doubtful. "Look, go put a movie on for us to watch. We haven't done that in a while," I kissed him on the forehead. "I'll be in there in the minute." 

"Okay," he went away and I went into my room to grab my duvet so we could stay warm while we watched. I checked my phone and saw I had a text. 

From: PJ

Can you meet me at the park on the hill ASAP? We need to talk. 

I slipped my phone back in my pocket but put on a smile for Phil when I dumped the duvet on him. "Here, we haven't got anything to eat so I'll just pop out to the shop real quick, I'll be like 15 minutes, want anything in particular?" I asked as I put on shoes and a jacket.

"M&Ms, the peanut ones. Just hurry up." 

"I'll be as fast as I can," I pecked him on the cheek and left the flat and then sent PJ a text saying I was on my way. I stopped off at a corner shop and bought bags of sweets so we had plenty just to kill some time, because I knew he wouldn't be there for another five minutes.

I walked up the hill and went into the park putting the carrier bag on the ground, sitting down on the swing, and even though I was alone, I felt embarrassed by how heavy my breathing was and tried to disguise it. It was chilly tonight, so I shoved my hands in my pockets and leg bounced up and down as I watched a silhouetted figure come closer and waited.