An Escape

Chapter 1, My First Entry

Friday, October 21st, 2015

Friday, October 21st, 2015

      Today sucked. It was a horrible day. I know there's always those really cheesy people that are like, 'it's a bad day, not a bad life'. That's not true. It's always been a bad life for me, and trying to look on the good side hasn't done anything good to me. It's just made me hurt even more because I'm ignoring real feelings and pretending like there are feeling which doesn't really exist. I'm surprised I still go to school. I want a permanent escape, not just a small and temporary one like a vacation, but something more serious. I swear I'm not emo when I say this, but death actually seems like the best option. It won't make a difference to anyone anyway. Friends? Sure, they're probably fake. Family? They'll get over it, they have another kid and one less kid means saving a lot of money. Pain? The amount of pain it takes to hurt myself will be so much better than the amount of pain which I have to swallow every day. People that have hurt me will care? No, they won't notice anything. They will say I did it for attention. What they didn't know is that the reason why I died is because I wanted attention, I wanted people to love me and appreciate me and that didn't happen. Which is why I chose this route; the escape.

       Living has brought what good to me? Absolutely nothing. I broke up with a group of friends and made new friends. They screwed me over as well and everything has happened in the course on legitimately one year. Everyone thinks I'm just a dramatic ass hoe, but they don't know anything. They don't know my story, my feelings, my tears, my scars, my anxiety, my struggle with life itself. Life is a bitch and it out there to get me. No quote is going to make me feel better, they're just going to make me cover up the truth and if I want to be genuine I can't do it so I can keep it real. If I don't find out a way to die soon, I'm going to cut myself. Make it part of my routine. Healing isn't a thing, I am completely damaged and have been broken to the point where you can't put me back together. There are so many pieces of me. I think I'm smart, people think I'm a nerd, I think I look nice, people think I look like a try-hard, I think people will understand and people just roast me about how I have no friends. Never have been accepted, never will be. People don't understand what an emo person is, what a suicidal person is, but me dying will make everyone more educated about what death really is. How, if one person is gone for once, they will be gone forever...

Now, why I am writing this in a stupid book is way beyond me. I just found this dumb diary when I was cleaning my room and realized I really needed to vent. I'm just going to write everything down. I'm pretty excited to read my diary after everything changes, however, because I'm going to see how different things will be for me. I know I will definitely have some depressing entries, about death, about happiness, about the gloomy days and the bright days. However, I don't think I can ever open up to somebody. It's just too much to handle, them judging and never understanding. It sucks. However, I've learned to realize that life sucks. However, let me just introduce myself. My name is Shelby Guacamole. A lot of people laugh at my last name and say just like guac, I'm extra too. Whatever.

     Now, I'm starting to feel a little better so let me recap on my day. Today, I was wearing baggy sweats and an ugly messy bun with hair which hasn't been washed and brushes in a week. I guess you could say, just like how I dressed crappy, I was definitely feeling crappy as well. I knew it was going to be a bad day when one of my best friends got into an argument right in the morning. It was about a really stupid thing, I don't even remember, to be honest. But then she started making me feel bad because I didn't get my math homework done. Then, during history, we were working on a project and my entire group didn't do anything. I felt like crying, I didn't know what was going on and I was just trying to get shit done. Then, in music class, I sat alone and my two best friends ditched me when we heard we had to get partners. They said they didn't know and didn't care, they just really didn't want me to be with them. I guess it was that obvious.

    Oh yeah, and while this book/my diary is judging me, let me just say something. I can't act upset with people. I am so emotionally attached to the entire world and so many people that I can't act like I don't care. I definitely do. Oh, and then I saw him in the hallway. The guy I've crushes on for the past year or so. A lot of people think he's really ugly, but I don't know why I think he's cute. Maybe it's because he doesn't have a jawline, he struggles with skin issues and has a really big nose. Well, at least his fake isn't as fake as Snapchat tries to make everyone look. I don't know what relationship we share, but it hurts. We just stare at each other, I get mad at him sometimes because I don't know what else to do and he teases me about stupid things. We don't text, barely talk and none of us make a move. Not that he will, I mean, he doesn't like me. Remember, Shelby? :/ Whenever I'm talking about him to anyone, I try to make it look like we're both really shy people yet we are obsessed with each other, when the truth is, I don't think he's making a move because he actually doesn't like me.

I'm just scared of being judged and being rejected. The biggest fear or many people are creepy spiders, slithering snakes, losing friends, being bullied, and I've been through it all. However, something which I am highly scared of is rejection, and I experience it so often that I have befriended this demon.