Vampire academy - blood spell

Chapter 1

I'm knocked out of my trance when I hear a knock at the door.
"Dimitri, are you in there? It's me, Alberta".
I ignore her, hoping she will leave, but it doesn't work. I hear the door creak open slowly and soon after follows Alberta.
"Dimitri?" She asks "what are you doing? You haven't been around since the attack and weren't at the memorial today."
I look at her and then back at the table without saying anything.
"Come on, I think you've had enough of this. I know it's hard but it's been hard for everyone. I think you need to get out of this room." She moves the vodka to the other side of the table but before she picks it up, I spoke.
"I'll never let anything happen to you"
"What?"
"That's what I told her before the attack. I'll never let anything happen to you. And I failed" I knew I shouldn't be telling her this. Me and rose's relationship was secret and if anyone knew, I could lose my job and rose's reputation and hope of becoming a respected guardian would be ruined. I mean would've.
"Dimitri, Lissa is fine"
And with that, all I could do was look at her. But in that look, every emotion i'd been hiding came pouring out; grief, loss, sadness, anger, fear, guilt, loneliness. I showed her everything in just that one look. She stared at me for another second or so and then like a bucket of cold water had just been dropped over her face, her eyes shot open. I have no doubt in my mind that in that moment, everything clicked into place. Everything about me and Rose finally made sense to her.
"Oh Dimitri"
I reached my hand out for the vodka and poured another glass. Alberta sat down. I was waiting for the lecture to begin. The lecture about responsibility, honor, how Moroi come first and everything about the right thing. All the things I know too much about. But instead, she took the bottle of vodka and poured herself a glass. We stayed like that for only god knows how long. Not one of us speaking or making eye contact until she broke the silence.
"You know it wasn't your fault right?" Alberta said, her voice filled with sympathy and hurt. "That you couldn't have done anything to save her?"
"Yes I could have" I managed to choke out. "I was her mentor, it was my job to prepare her as well as protect her"
"Oh Dimitri, this is our job, you can't protect everyone and Rose made her own decision"
"Don't you get it!" I yelled. "She was 17! She had so much potential! None of the novices should have been out fighting. It should have only been the fully trained guardians. She found the caves and was determined to have a rescue mission and now look! Now she is the one who is dead! She had accomplished so much at such a young age but what does that all mean now huh? She was 17 but you know, oh well, that's the job right?" Surprisingly after I said all that I feel like a massive weight was lifted of my chest. But it still didn't help all the pain I was feeling.
"You don't need to remind me how old she was" Alberta finally spoke. Her voice was still low but held so much power. "I am well aware of not just her age, but all the damage and death this life brings. Rose was special and it is a major loss but also, she wasn't the only one who was lost. There were many others but there were also many others who survived because of those losses. That's why we have the memorial and why everyone except for YOU, showed up to show their respects! Everyone is hurting over their friends and family including Rose, especially Janine and Vasilissa. Now if you really feel that guilty I would have expected you would have at least showed up!" And with that, she left. I knew she was right. Many people died and many people lost their friends and family. And I'm not the only one grieving. While I was keeping to myself and grieving over Rose I forgot all about her friends and family including her best friend and bond mate Lissa and her mum Janine. I should have at least been there for them and talked to them. But still, after everything, I can't bring myself to leave this room. I can't leave knowing that I won't see Rose right around the corner or walk into the gym to where we had many of our training sessions. And with that, the little bit of control I had left, let loose. I yelled out pushing books, photos and anything I could find off shelves and benches. Every little piece of anything I had left inside me just let go until I had nothing left. All I could do then was sit down in a corner with my hands over my face and cry, cry until there was no more tears. I wondered what rose would be thinking right now if she saw me. She always had this image of me being so strong even though she knew I was fighting so hard to stay in control. Would she be disgusted? Or would she just pity me? Either way, it doesn't matter. She is gone and the fault is all mine.