It's been awhile...

I'm sorry

At first saying she didn't want to, Stevie was now on her way to the fifth appointment with the very lovely Dr. Cordon. That night, when she went to Lindsey, they barely slept, staying up late talking. Even though he said he could listen, he realized she probably needed professional help. In the end, she agreed, however, there was one condition; Lindsey wasn't to come along with her or ask, what was talked about in the session. He sighed, then nodded his head and said, okay.

Before getting out of the car, Stevie adjusted her sunglasses as well as her high ponytail, she then grabbed her handbag from the passenger's seat and walked the short distance to the building, where Dr. Cordon's office was. 

She never liked waiting, wanting to just go in unnoticed, but there was someone else still inside, so she took a seat, lifting one leg over the other, hanging her head low. Thankfully, the door soon opened and out came a man, glancing at her, but she didn't look up, until she was called in, just by the name of Stephanie. 

Making herself comfortable on the couch, Stevie put away her bag, wondering what kind of topic they were going to talk about today. One thing she knew for sure - it wasn't going to be easy. It never was.

"I'm sorry, I had to cut our last session a little short." Dr. Cordon said. 

"It's fine, I had a check up afterwards, that way I didn't have to rush." Stevie waved it off, mindlessly placing her hand over her four month pregnant belly. 

"And how did it go?"

"Great, everything's just great, especially considering that I'm a little older compared to what's thought of as the normal age." She said, using air quotes.

"Good to hear." Smiling warmly, Dr. Cordon then decided to pick up where they left of. "Last week, you said something. You said, what happened is your fault. What makes you say that?"

Sighing, Stevie shrugged her shoulders. "It's not that I think it's my fault, it's that Ryan made me believe it was for that period of time, when things were really bad."

"But it wasn't your choice to go through all of that."

"Of course it wasn't." Stevie answered quickly, slightly offended. "But they were my decisions, which led to that ending. Lindsey and I broke up all those years ago, I should have never looked back. I made my choice. I chose Ryan. It was him to whom I got married, it was him with whom I had my daughter."

"Obviously, he wasn't enough for you, that's why you did look back. Among those decisions you've just mentioned, you also had a child with the man you were still clearly in love with."

"Because a few years before that, Lindsey changed. Both of them changed, only that Lindsey did for the better. I saw that, because we never really had been out of each other's lives and I guess, I missed him like that. I wanted him to be that good to me again. We started an affair, our son was born... why didn't I think of divorce then?"

"Maybe you felt guilty about cheating on your husband, you wouldn't have admitted it to him, but secretly, you wanted things to get better between you again."

"Yeah, they really didn't." Scoffing, she shook her head. "They took a turn for the worse, Ryan was treating me horribly, which of course, kept me going back to Lindsey. I was wondering if maybe he knew, somehow... that was why he was so cruel to me. And I made myself believe that I deserved it." Her voice grew quiet and Dr. Cordon allowed her a moment. "I avoided arguments the best I could, I became obedient. My answers to him were always, yes and okay. I was like that until recently, because I just couldn't take it anymore. I realized that the rest of my life could be like that and I didn't want it. I didn't want to be unhappy. I went back to Lindsey, he assured me that he'd help, that I could divorce Ryan if I wanted to." Since everything had happened not very long ago, the wounds were still open, it was hard to speak. "I was going to tell him that I wanted out, but he found out about the baby, before I could talk to him and it all went to hell. Once again, I thought, yes, it's your fault that you couldn't have been a better wife, that he lost interest, that you went behind his back because of it and got pregnant with another man's baby. You brought it all on yourself; this kind of treatment, the abuse... Because of me, he went insane." 

"Feelings change, people change. I'm not saying that you never loved your husband, but you loved someone else more. And I completely agree that if you didn't feel like your heart was in it anymore, you had every right to leave. You already knew you were carrying a child, surely, you didn't want to bring them into an unhappy, maybe even loveless marriage?"

"Honestly, I didn't really think about my baby at the time. I was selfish. I wanted out, I wanted a better life for myself."

"And that's understandable. Stephanie, you keep seeing it was your fault, that the choices you made in life caused to happen what happened, but I don't think so. Married couples divorce. You wouldn't have been the first nor the last one to do that. In my opinion, if your husband had still been in love with you, he would have never raised his hand against you. You mentioned that you couldn't remember the last time he told you he loved you and meant it or took you somewhere, did something for you. Don't you think that love wasn't the reason he was against letting you go?"

"Well, what else could it be?" 

"Think about it."

Sighing, Stevie fell silent, fidgeting with the rings on her fingers, before she spoke up again. "He knew I was going to go back to Lindsey."

Nodding her head, Dr. Cordon said. "Exactly. In my opinion, he felt like he won the prize, it being you, all those years ago. He took you away from the man you loved and all of a sudden, you were going to go back?"

Her eyes brimmed with tears. "He lost his mind because of that? He got himself killed just because of that?"

"Well, we will never know for sure, but that's the way I understand it from everything you've told me. You shouldn't feel responsible. You wanted what's best for you, for your kids. It was him, who chose the way to deal with that situation."

It was strange, but Stevie felt relieved, as if a huge weight had been lifted off her chest after that. In no more than ten minutes, the session was wrapped up and Stevie was out of the building, heading back to the car, yet not to go home right away.

Arriving at the cemetery, with a single white rose in hand, Stevie slowly walked through the gates and to Ryan's final resting place. She had to do it. She hoped he could see her and hear her. She didn't mean for things to end the way they did. 

Once she approached his grave, she closed her eyes, fighting back tears. There truly was a time she loved him. Carefully bending over, she laid the rose down and stood back up, reading his engraved name.

"I'm sorry." 

It was the only thing she could say, before walking away.