I'm Not Dead

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Theo invited me out for drinks.

We sat in the park, the same one from so long ago. The one that Laura and Theo and I, when it was just Laura and Theo and I used to get drunk at. Now it's just Theo and I.

Thinking about the park itself, I wonder if I'll ever bring August here. It's a decent park, with a wooden castle to crawl around in. And some swings. At the top of the castle is this shitty telescope, and that thinking about it now I realize is just plastic tube with a hole in it, no telescope-qualities to it.

If I ever do bring August here, I'll look up at where Theo and I are sitting now, right between two windows in the castle, and remember our high school days getting drunk.

I'll never bring August here.

I take a long swig of lukewarm beer and feel my stomach start to protest.

I lean over and hurl.

Theo laughs. "Man, why do you drink and eat if you can't ever hold it down? Why can't you hold it down anyway?" He pats my back.

I wipe vomit off of my mouth. "I don't fucking know."

Theo sets down his bottle and leans against the one of the walls of the castle. "Do you miss her?"

"As a person or as my wife?"

"Was it not a happy marriage?"

"It wasn't a happy anything. It was like trying to save a dwindling fire. We were throwing all the logs and sticks and fuel on it as we could to hope we could save it, but I think we both already knew it was past the point of being saved."

I paused. "First she gets pregnant. And I found out the night I died. My dying texts like one of the lame 'It Can Wait' ads. She had said that we needed to talk, and then that night told me she was pregnant. A text, a fucking text.

"Then when I came back it was like, bam! Baby gone! But she lied. Baby not gone. Baby still very much here. I think that's when our metaphorical fire started to die. Then we started to fight more, and everything just got worse and worse until she suggested we get married. And I was thinking that maybe getting married would be it, it'd be the way to get our relationship back on track.

"So we did. And if anything it got worse. More strained. Then when August was born, I was so hopeful that maybe now everything would finally get better. But she didn't love him, Theo. She never loved our son."

I looked at the beer bottle sitting on the wood. I thought about throwing it, then thought about parents bringing their kids here and seeing the broken glass.

"She never wanted anything to do with him. If it wasn't for me, I'm not sure she would have kept him—in the family, I mean. I'm sure he would've been put up for adoption by now. I just... In the end, I started to hate her. Those, what, nine months? They fucking sucked. I spent them all dealing with her shit. I want my time and energy back.

"So no, Theo, I don't fucking miss her. I fucking hate her. Good riddance."

Theo was silent. He took a sip of his beer.

I look up at the night sky. "Your girlfriend, Genevieve, is a demon."

Theo spurts out beer, laughing. "You're fucking crazy. Let's get home."

I wake up and am worried that something is very wrong. I got up to wake up Augustus. It was the weekend, my time to spend with him, and he's honestly the best baby. He sleeps all the way through the night, and hardly cries. He only cries when he needs something, which I always know when he does so he never actually starts to cry, just whimpers. Because of this, it doesn't surprise me not to hear him crying to wake me up.

But when I peer over the rails of his crib, he's not there.

Maybe Mom already got him?

I get dressed and head downstairs to make breakfast and find Mom. She's sitting in her chair, watching Sunday Morning.

She doesn't have Augustus.

"Did Rebekka already take August home?" I asked, seeing the living room empty of my son.

"No, she doesn't pick him up until three. Don't you have him?" Mom turns around in her chair to look at me. She sees that I don't have Augustus either.

"No. He's not in his crib and I thought you had him."

Mom looked a little alarmed.

"I'm calling Rebekka." I grabbed my phone and dialed her number and sat down on the couch, then popped right back up. A million things were racing through my mind. I do not know where my son is, and that scares me. I'm a worst case scenarist. That's not helping anything "Hello?"

"Hey, Rebekka, you don't happen to know where Augustus is?"

"He's with you, isn't he?"

"Shit," I don't like cursing in front of Rebekka. "Crap, sorry. No, we don't know where he is. I was hoping he was with you."

"I'm coming over." She hung up.

I looked at Mom, shaking my head.

We called the police, and told them what we knew. An officer, Ken Faste, came over and asked us more of the same questions and then some. I showed the officer where Augustus should have been sleeping.

"Where's Augustus's mom?" the officer asked, looking at the three of us.

"She's not with us."

"Other grandparents, or just you two?"

"My husband," Mom said.

"My ex-husband, but he's not really in the picture." Rebekka said. I found myself messing with Laura's ring around my neck.

"Okay, that should be all. We'll keep in touch."

"How can we help find him?" Rebekka asked.

"Posters and flyers. Ask everyone you know. Call me or another officer if something else comes up." Faste handed me his card. I watched as he left with one of the only pictures of my son I had.

Rebekka left reluctantly.

Dad didn't come home.

I went to Theo's and made him dinner. "Gone?" Theo questioned. "How is he gone?"

"I woke up and he was gone. Like he just... disappeared." I said.

"Have any suspects?"

I shook my head. "If the police do they haven't told us. We just have to wait and see. I hate it Theo, my son is gone and I just have to wait."

"Damn," Theo said. "If there's anything I can do, man, just tell me,"

I shrugged. "I don't honestly know what more we can do."

"That sucks. I don't have him, if that helps any."

I chuckled. "Yeah, it kind of does." I looked atthe time. "I've got to go. Mom wants to put up flyers. He's just a baby, howfar could he have gone?"