I'm Not Dead

Chapter Twenty-Four

Such a cold February day to match how I was feeling. For the rest of last week, Laura and I didn't talk. We sat together at lunch, because we didn't know anyone else, but we didn't speak. The whole thing was completely uncomfortable for Theo, and I felt bad for him. I'm going to apologize in a couple days.

A week after the incident, Laura had a doctor's appointment. We met at the doctor's office, and sat while waiting to be called back in silence. First, the ultrasound technician went to work to show us our child at nineteen weeks.

The technician's face contorted, confused. "I uh, can't quite find the heartbeat." He leaned closer to the screen.

Laura watched me and I watched her. I couldn't help but feel that she was hoping that the child was dead. That she had done it. Poisoned our baby.

Then it was there, the rhythmic beating of our baby's heart. I let out a silent sigh and Laura looked away from me.

I looked at my baby—our baby.

It's been a couple weeks, and I hate that I can't see how my—our—child is doing mentally. Physically, Laura's incident—now that we're talking again, that's what we refer to it as—hasn't messed up anything as far as we can see. But we won't know anything for sure until the baby is born.

Laura is over halfway there. The nursery is all prepared, except for clothing and other small items that her mother assures she'll get as baby shower gifts.

I'm spending more and more time with Theo and even Genevieve. It's odd, like Theo and I have swapped places. They're the pair, and I'm the odd man out. I'm not complaining, it's nice to forget about the fact that I'm married with a kid on the way. It's also nice to forget about the fact that graduation is creeping up.

"Did you even do anything for Valentine's day?" Theo asks. Gen's under his arm. They're cute together.

I shake my head. "No, Laura and I weren't talking."

Gen whistles, long and low. "That's not a great way to spend your first Valentine's Day married. What was the fight about?"

Theo shakes his head at her, signaling to her not to ask.

I roll my eyes. "It's okay, Theo, she didn't know. Laura just did something really not cool. And it's not like it's our first Valentine's Day ever. We've been dating for a couple years before now."

"But still, that was your first was as a married couple. Your first one as a single married couple."

Fuck. I didn't think about that. This time next year, we'll have a kid. Wow.

I decided to change the subject away from my already failing marriage. "How was your guy's first Valentine's?"

Gen smiled. "He bought me a big teddy bear. Fucking waste of money."

Theo smiled. "Then we had sex on the big waste of money."

I chuckled. "At least one of use got laid."

Fuck! Dammit, Elliot, quit your wallowing in self-pity.

I sat up. "I'm sorry, guys, I'm being a major downer." I grabbed my jacket and keys and wallet. "See ya'."

I left.

I thought about doing something for Valentine's Day, to make up for it. Go on a date with Laura. But she's been so pissy all the time lately. I just can't bring myself to. And even though we're speaking we're hardly on what I'd call "speaking terms".

So I didn't. Instead I lazed around my house, jerking off because my own wife won't fuck me.

Twenty-seven weeks pregnant. She's planning a baby shower. Family and close friends. Gen is going. Theo and I are getting really fucking drunk.

We sat in the guest house in the dark, watching some dumb movie. We sat in silence, then I got up and threw up.

"Why do you do that?" Theo asked. "You were never this weak before."

I shrugged. "I don't know."

I realized that with all the baby drama, I hadn't thought much about my reincarnation. The churches have all backed off majorly. They're still pissed at me, sure, but they're no longer protesting on my front lawn. If anything they're probably praying for me each Sunday.

I'm glad that they're all calm now, especially with Laura getting so close to having the baby.

I just want her to have her baby.

Maybe everything will be better when she does.

I'm walking out of the school one day, curling up in my jacket, and wishing I had brought a coat, when Laura came up to me. "I want you to start spending the night when I get closer to the due date. I don't want you to have to meet my mom and me at the hospital, you know?"

I nodded. I wanted to be there too.

"Just tell me when and I'll start staying over." I said.

Laura nodded and walked in the other direction. It was the most we had said to each other that week.

Laura had her baby shower that week. She left all the gifts in their packaging. I told my mom what gender the baby was. I couldn't help it.

I went over to Laura's after school, one day late in March, to put away the gifts from the shower, when Laura storms into the room. "You told your mom?!"

I sighed. "Yeah, I did."

"We weren't going to tell anyone."

I shrugged. "She wanted to know. It's not that big of a deal."

"I'm going to throw myself down the stairs." Laura said and walked out of the room.

"What?!" I ran out after her to see her standing at the top of the stairwell. She took a step forward and shut her eyes.

I grabbed her shirt seconds before gravity became my worst enemy and pushed her against the wall. "What the fuck, Laura!"

"You shouldn't have told your mom, Elliot!"

"So you were going to fall down the stairs? Really?"

Laura pushed me off of her and shut herself in her room. "Jesus fuck!" I yelled. I can't trust her alone. I can't trust her at all.

I waited until her mom came home, told her what happened, and left. I came back an hour later with a bag packed full of my clothing. I'm not leaving my child alone with Laura. She'll do something to injure them and I can't allow myself to let that happen.

So I'll stay over. Just until she has our kid.